Time Travel, Drag Kings, and Why I Hate Hormones
by BatNeko
Summary: Link awakens seven years in the future, and dicovers that being a teenager ain't all it's cracked up to be. 100 Completed!
1. Link's Awakening

I do not own The Legend of Zelda, any of the characters, places, or even a lot of the dialogue! All belongs to Nintendo.

Time Travel, Drag Kings, and Why I Hate Hormones

By Link. Really.

Now, I've read my share of fanfiction in my time; in fact, as soon as I found out it existed I've been hooked, and there are some good stories out there, but that's all they are. Stories. I'm here to tell the truth, what _really_ happened to me. The real me. Of course none of you will believe me, I don't expect you to, but I want to get my story out there. _My_ story, the real story, and let me just say one thing: all those "retellings" of Ocarina of Time didn't even come close. Well, okay, close, but they left out one key detail. One very important detail that I cannot forget. No matter how much I want to. (Actually, Zel won't let me forget it. And this was her idea. Not mine. So back off.)

Chapter 1. Link's Awakening

I was immediately very aware of several things when I came to. I figured out where I was pretty fast, and the information I would need to cope with what had happened was somehow in my brain so I figured out what _had_ happened fairly quickly, but that wasn't what grabbed my attention. One of the first thing I noticed was that I was tall, which I enjoyed very much (kids don't get much respect, even kids with swords). Another thing I noticed _was_ my sword. When I was a kid it had been fairly small and I could ignore it until I needed it, but the sword I had no was much bigger, bigger than average I'd say, and it demanded attention. In case you can't tell I'm not talking about my _actual_ sword here, that one I hardly noticed, the sword I'm talking about was in my pants, and painfully obvious. To put it in terms you modern people would understand; I had one hell of a boner.

(Yeah, yeah I know. Chill will you? I'll be saying things like this throughout the story. I _think_ I got the slang right.)

This guy named Rauru was talking to me and I wasn't really paying attention (I was kind of busy trying to act like I wasn't horny beyond belief) but I figured I could ask Navi what he was saying later (she always listens to everyone). I didn't hear what he was saying at _all_ until he pointed out that my body had grown. Yeah, like I hadn't already noticed that. Navi hadn't, oddly enough. The other thing that drew my attention rather quickly was all the new information in my head. Someone, or some_thing_ (creepy), had planted the info about puberty and reproduction and all that jazz that you folks get in seventh grade, inside my brain. So I understood why my body was behaving the way it was, but not why it was doing it so strongly.

Anyway, Rauru told me it was my duty as the "Hero of Time" (nice title, but does it mean anything?) to free the six sages and save the world. Okay, cool, I can do that. Got a big shiny sword (the real sword this time), a fairy by my side, and a good two feet in added height. Plus, saving the world meant saving the Princess, and that had been the whole point of pulling out the Master Sword. It was all about Zelda. It had always been about Zelda. I wondered what Zelda looked like now… She had been an awfully cute kid, so she was probably a cute teenager. No, not cute, hot. With long long legs and that glistening blonde hair… Augh! Focus Link, focus!

Rauru sent me on my way and I found myself out of glowy blue land and back in the Temple of Time.

"Link," Navi said. "Let's go."

I nodded and stepped down off the Pedestal of Time and headed for the Door of Time (Pedestal of Time, Door of Time, Temple of Time, Song of Time, Ocarina of Time, I'm beginning to think the gods or whoever didn't have much imagination). Then, I heard (well, felt more than heard) something behind me. Slowly, carefully, I drew the Master Sword, then whirled around. A stringy, muscular young man, with most of his face covered by hair and a ridiculously high collar, stood on the Pedestal.

"I've been waiting for you Hero of Time," the guy said. "I am Sheik, Survivor of the Sheikah." He seemed, from what I could see, about my age, but was quite a bit shorter. He was blond, tan, had red eyes and was pretty muscular. His head, arms, and fingers were wrapped in gauze, and his vest, with the Sheikah symbol displayed upon it, was threadbare. He looked at me seriously. "As I see you holding the mythical Master Sword, you really do look like the Hero of Time."

"Umm, yeah." I quickly put the sword away. "That's poetic and all, but who are you?"

The guy rolled his (surprisingly feminine) eyes. "I just _told_ you, I am Sheik, of the Sheikah tribe."

I snorted. "Nice name."

"Be quiet," he replied, without missing a beat. After a moment's pause I grinned, and Sheik grinned right back. I was starting to like this guy.

"So…what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Helping," he answered. "I assume Rauru filled you in on the basics of what's happened."

"As soon as I'm gone the world turns to crap, yeah, I got that."

Sheik grinned again. "Something like that," he agreed. "But I'm here to tell you what to do next."

"That would be the sage thing, right?"

"Right." Sheik stared off over my head and began speaking in the formal tone he'd used at first. "When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be Sages, who dwell in the five temples. One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain… One under a vast lake… One within the house of the dead… One inside a goddess of the sand. Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world."

I stared at Sheik. "You talk funny," I informed him. "Anyone ever told you that before?"

"No, actually," Sheik glared at me. "Most people think a certain amount of ceremony is more than appropriate, given the circumstances."

"So what am I supposed to do _now_?"

Sheik blinked those babelicious eyes. "You can't figure it out for yourself?"

"Throw me a bone here man," I pleaded. "Ten minutes ago, by my reasoning, I was ten and the world was fine. Well, more fine."

Sheik sighed, then spoke in that formal tone. "The first sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The sage is a girl I'm sure you know. Because of the evil power in the temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm... Unfortunately, equipped as you are, you cannot even enter the temple. If you want to save the forest girl, head towards Kakariko Village."

"Just say it in plain English," I said, "if it's not too difficult for you."

Sheik rolled his ruby-colored eyes. "A friend of yours is the Forest Sage, she's in the Forest Temple but you can't get to her until you get a piece of equipment that's in Kakariko. Is that clear enough for you or should I write it down?"

I grinned. I _definitely_ liked this guy. "Very condescending," I complemented him. I put my hand over my heart. "I'm deeply hurt, right here."

Sheik grinned. "Get going," he said fondly, "it'll be dark soon, and you do _not_ want to be in town after dark."

I didn't really understand that, but I shrugged and turned to go. Then stopped. "Come on Navi."

Navi bobbed out from behind Sheik. "It's okay Link," she reported. "He's just a regular human."

"I kind of figured that one out on my own." I smiled apologetically at Sheik and waved Navi on ahead of me. "See ya Sheik."

"Bye."

Once I was outside of the temple, the damage that Ganondorf had done became evident. The town was decimated. Completely destroyed. Little more than partially fallen, mostly charred walls remained underneath the seething black mass that had once been the sky. Looking back at the castle I saw more black clouds, more destruction, and a black monolith that rose from the earth where the castle had once stood. Warily I walked down the steps of the Temple and into what had been (only moments ago it seemed) the bustling town marketplace.

I heard the groans just in time. Those creepy spine-tingling moans that made your blood run cold and prepared you for the rotting gaze of a ReDead. Now, the key to not being paralyzed and (ugh) grabbed by a ReDead is simply to not look them in the eyes, but ReDeads have this really annoying and creepy power. The power to draw your gaze. If ReDeads are anywhere in your field of vision your eyes sort of slide to the side…and the next thing you know decaying arms are around your neck and a wet, rotting mouth is clamping down on your neck, draining your life (God, that's a turn-off). But messing around in graveyards is a surprisingly lucrative business and I knew the Sun's Song.

I paused before I put the Ocarina of Time to my lips. This was Zelda's. Zelda had played it, held it, entrusted it to me. And I had spent the last seven years doing absolutely nothing at all. I was suddenly reminded, once again, of why I had taken the Master Sword in the first place. I had to save Zelda, that was the whole point, and I doubted Zelda would have wanted my life to be drained away. I played the familiar notes of the Sun's Song, listened as the music froze the ReDeads in place, then ran through the market as fast as I could.

The drawbridge had been broken, and I had to swim like, two feet to get across it. Once I got a couple yards away from the city there was a sudden lightening. The bank of dark clouds that had obscured the sky in Castle Town, hovered _only_ over Castle Town. The rest of Hyrule seemed (mostly) okay. Or at least wasn't covered in perpetual darkness. But I still wasn't sure just how messed up my world had become in my absence, so I decided to ask someone. I headed for the Lon Lon Ranch.


	2. Epona

Chapter 2. Epona

It _looked_ all right. Not exactly the same, but all right. There was a much bigger fence around the horses, and they were shut in, but one can't expect nothing to change in seven years. Especially seven years under the rule of someone calling himself the King of Evil. Before I got even got close enough to the horses to see why they were shut in or who was standing by the gate I was stopped by the sound of a familiar song coming from the stables. I decided to see who it was singing it.

Not the best idea I've ever had, as it turns out. The person singing Epona's Song in the stables was (duh) Malon, and the years had been more than good to her. She had hair the color of burnished copper hanging in a soft sheet down her back, her simple farm dress clung to her petite, perfectly proportioned form in exactly the right places, and the look she made as she saw me, her soft mouth making an O of surprise and her jewel-like eyes wide and sparkling, was more than enough to make me forget anything I had planned on saying. Not to mention to put _other things_ on my mind.

"Oh!" Malon exclaimed. "Oh...a visitor! It's been a long time since we've had a visitor here...Where did you come from?"

"I, um, I, uh..."

"Since Ganondorf came, people in the Castle Town have gone, places have been ruined, and monsters are wandering everywhere. Mr. Ingo is just using the ranch to gain Ganondorf's favor."

"Wait, Ingo!" I remembered something other than the curves of Malon's body. "_Ingo's_ in charge of the ranch now!"

"You know him?" Malon frowned at me slightly, as though trying to think of something. "Have you been here before?"

"Uhh…" was all I could manage (this was an intelligent response, given the circumstances).

Malon started to come towards me, still frowning. "Those clothes look familiar," she said. "I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before."

"Well, yeah," I said, backing up. "I came here a few times when I was a kid, um, seven years ago."

"Oh!" Malon exclaimed again. "It's you, Link the fairy boy!"

"Yep, that's me," I forced a smile and started edging toward the door. "Well, it was nice to see you…"

"Oh, Link," Malon was still coming towards me. "You don't know what it's been like. Everyone seems to be turning evil... But Dad... He was kicked out of the ranch by Mr. Ingo. If I disobey Mr. Ingo, he will treat the horses so badly... So... There's nothing I can do..."

"Um, that's terrible?" I made it a question without even realizing it.

"It really is," Malon agreed. "All Ingo cares about now is impressing that evil King Ganondorf."

_Well, at least he's adapted well_, I thought, but was prudent enough not to say it out loud. Malon was now well within my personal space and I could smell her hair, which would have been very nice except that the severe reaction of my body to her closeness made me fear for her purity. I doubted very much that I would be able to control myself if she showed any signs of liking me. Well, any _more_ signs of liking me.

"That's, uh, really awful," I said nervously. "But, uh, I've…I've got to go." With that I turned and ducked out the door, leaving Malon, no doubt terribly confused, behind me.

"That was weird," Navi said. "And it didn't teach us anything." I decided not to respond to that. "Come on, let's do what Sheik said and go to Kakariko!"

"Later," I brushed her aside. "I'm gonna talk to Ingo."

"Don't do anything rash," Navi warned as she ducked inside my hat. I didn't respond to that either.

Ingo was standing just outside the corral, dressed in (ridiculous) fancy clothes. Other than the clothes, time had not been as good to him as it had been to Malon, and he looked distinctly middle-aged.

"Greetings and welcome to the Lon Lon Ranch," he said as I approached. I ignored him and stepped close to gate, watching the horses run. There was a pretty mare off on the other side, a red roan that looked like Epona.

"Like the horses, do you young man?" Ingo asked.

I gave him a look, like it should have been obvious.

"Ah, yes, well," he cleared his throat. "If you're in the market for a good steed, I can let you have a closer look at them for…oh, say, a mere five rupees."

"Deal!" I cried immediately, slapped the rupees into his hand and hopped the fence to have a better look.

Several of the horses shied away, not knowing my scent, but I only had eyes for one. Epona had grown into a magnificent specimen of her species, almost as pretty a horse as Malon was a girl, and she had the sleek musculature that one only found on the best steeds. I decided not to approach her directly, instead I stood a couple dozen yards back, pulled out the Ocarina (I couldn't think of it as mine) and played the sweet little song I had learned not far from this very spot so long ago.

Epona dashed up to me as soon as she recognized the melody, almost nuzzling me in her excitement. "Hey there girl," I smiled. "It's been a while hasn't it?"

Epona snorted agreement.

"How about going for a ride?"

Epona _definitely_ agreed with that idea. I mounted her, carefully (I still wasn't quite used to my new height), and we set off around the pen. After only a few minutes Ingo called me off. Slightly disgruntled I paid for another five minutes and tried out the jumping fences. I wasn't too bad, if I do say so myself.

After I'd only been riding for a couple of minutes I noticed Ingo near the gate, waving for my attention.

"What's up?" I asked, stopping Epona beside him but not getting off.

"You're getting better," Ingo said. "How about a little race with me? One lap around the corral with that horse."

"Sounds like fun," I said. "What's in it for you?"

"Well, since you brought it up…" Ingo rubbed his hands together greedily and grinned. "How about a wager, just a small one, to make things lucrative for both of us?"

"Just a small one?" I raised one eyebrow.

"Say…fifty rupees?"

I was pretty sure I had fifty rupees, and I could always use more, so I agreed. It took Ingo only a few minutes to pick a horse and outline the race course for me (twice around the fence, not too hard to understand) then we lined up, Ingo counted down, and took off before I had time to register that we'd started! The son of a bitch cheated!

Well, I wasn't going to let that stand, so I kicked Epona to get her started, sped up to get in front of Ingo, and simply held that lead all the rest of the race.

Ingo went nuts. "Th-that's impossible!" His face was turning beet red and he looked so upset I wouldn't have been surprised if steam started coming out of his ears. "There's no way, _no way_, you could have beaten me!"

"Well, I did," I shrugged. "Now I believe we had a deal."

"It's not possible!" Ingo insisted. "If the great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation... How about another race! If you win...You can keep...the horse!"

Well, who could say no to that?

Ingo obviously didn't have much imagination, since he pulled exactly the same stunt as the first race. Of course, I had beaten that trick once and had no trouble doing it again.

"What the hell!" was Ingo's reaction this time. "What's up with that horse! Is that Epona?"

Duh.

"How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose!"

Hey now…

"Aargh! I was going to present that horse to the great Ganondorf..."

You _what_! Not a chance buddy!

"But we had a deal…" Ingo nodded to himself. "Hah ha hah! As I promised, I'll give the horse to you... However..." he stepped back and swung shut the doors of the corral, "I'll never let you leave this ranch!"

"WHAT!" I roared. "You've got to be kidding me! You can't just- You can't- Aargh!" I made a quick scan of the back fence of the corral, to see if it was as low as I remembered, then leapt onto Epona's back and started galloping towards it.

"Link," Navi bobbed out of my hat. "What do you think you're doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I jerked my head toward the fence. "We're busting out of here!"

"Link, no!"

I ignored Navi's pleas for sanity, charged Epona towards the fence, held on tight as she jumped over, and then…we were free.

"Good girl," I said, patting Epona's neck. "Good girl."


	3. Kakariko

Chapter 3. Kakariko

Even with Epona it was late in the afternoon by the time we got to Kakariko Village. In the game Hyrule field seems a lot smaller than it actually is, it took literal days to get across it walking, very annoying. Anyway, Epona turned out to be afraid of stairs…or something, so I hopped off before heading for the village.

"Will you be all right out here by yourself?" I asked her.

"Link," Navi said, "she's a horse."

"Be quiet," I replied. I patted Epona one last time and started up the stairs, slowly. Racing around the corral at break-neck speed with Ingo had given my balls quite a bruising and the ride over hadn't helped at all. So I maintained as dignified a walk as I could until I made it to the top of the stairs and was greeted by the sound of laughter.

Familiar laughter coming from a familiar man. Those weird laughing twins, one of whom had attempted to break into the castle at one point, thus making _my_ entry much more difficult, were standing in front of the tree at the entrance to the village where the boss carpenter had once stood. The criminal one wasn't laughing anymore, he was talking frantically, looking like he was trying to convince his brother of something.

As I got close the laughing brother turned to me and said: "Can you believe this guy! What a loser! Ever since we left Hyrule Castle Town he's been like this!"

Oookay… Well, that explained how the freaks had got here, but not what they were talking about. Or why they were talking to me.

"It's true!" the other one protested. "I saw the ghost of Dampé the gravekeeper sinking into his grave!"

Wow, what a loser. Well, I'd gotten all I wanted from those two so I scooped some change out of the grass around the tree and headed for the village proper.

You have no idea how much it relieved me to see that Kakariko was still standing. More than still standing, it was thriving. There were more people, more buildings (well, one), more businesses (the potion shop was open and I saw the target shop) and everything seemed perfectly fine. Well, not fine. The clouds over Death Mountain were definitely disturbing, but Kakariko _itself_ seemed just as it had been. Even the windmill and the sound of chickens were familiar and comforting.

I felt so much better seeing that Ganondorf hadn't screwed _everything_ up that I decided to waste some time and visit with the natives, much to Navi's disapproval.

First stop: the boss carpenter's house. I remembered that his wife was very friendly, she fed me on more than one occasion, and I was sure she wouldn't mind me dropping by.

In fact, she didn't seem to mind _anyone_ dropping by, or moving in. The house was full of cots, even more than when the carpenters had lived there. Mammamu Yan, the dog-lady, and the boss carpenter's wife (yeah, I have no idea what her name is) were standing over by the stove gossiping. After I re-introduced myself and the ladies gushed over how big and handsome I'd gotten (always nice to hear) Mammamu Yan started complaining about someone I hadn't noticed before.

"I've never seen such a lazy guy," she exclaimed. "He just sleeps all day and all night. I heard his ranch was taken over by one of his workers, but that's no excuse!"

"His ranch?" I repeated. As Mammamu Yan kept on complaining to Mrs. Boss Carpenter about the guy, I wandered over to look at the bum.

"Yep," I said, nodding and dislodging Navi from my hat. "That's Talon all right."

"What a slacker," Navi sniffed disapprovingly. "He reminds me of someone…"

"In a minute," I brushed her aside (literally).

"Link, there was a reason Sheik wanted up to come here."

"Stop whining, I'll figure it out in a minute."

"Listen!"

"All right, all right, I'm going." Mrs. Boss Carpenter and Mammamu Yan were looking at me kind of strangely anyway.

The laugh-y guy's story about Dampé's ghost had made me curious so I decided to check out the graveyard. Up the stairs, left past some people, up the stairs, wait a second…someone was calling me. I stopped to say hi to the Cucco Lady.

"You look familiar," she said. "Have we met before?"

"Well, yeah. I caught your cuccos for you a couple of times when I was a kid."

"Oh yes!" she smiled and clapped her hands. "I remember you, such a nice boy. And you've grown so much!"

Now here's a problem. The Cucco Lady was the second not-hideous woman I'd seen since awakening in the future with a bonfire in my pants, and being near her was reminding me of all that information I'd found poured into my brain. I didn't have pornos like teenage boys in your world do to spark my imagination, but believe me, I didn't need them.

I shrugged. "That's what happens."

"I've got to show you something!" she exclaimed. "I'm so proud, I've been telling everyone! Remember I told you I'm allergic to cuccos?"

I neglected to tell her that I remembered her telling me less than a week ago.

"Well I've developed a new kind of cucco that I call the pocket cucco!" She ran over to the cucco pen and took out an egg, then brought it over and showed it to me. "I don't get goosebumps from this baby!"

"Cool," I agreed. "How long until it hatches?"

"It should be any moment now, but I'm afraid I haven't been keeping it warm enough."

"Why don't you carry it with you?" I asked. "In your pocket or something? It _is_ called a pocket cucco." Thinking of the Cucco Lady's body heat was not calming me down.

"Could you carry it for me?" she asked. "It would be so much help!"

"Well…" I wasn't exactly capable of saying no to her at this point, so before I knew it I found myself with an egg in my pocket and a lecture on the care and feeding of cuccos ringing in my ears. Slightly stunned I decided to continue my exploration of the village.

There were a lot more people in Kakariko and I recognized almost all of them. Okay the years had been hard on some of them, but seven years isn't a lot to someone who's already fully grown and they all looked pretty much the same. There was that weird old guy, there the reverse beggar, there the beard guy and (behind the windmill) I even found those lovers who spent all day and night staring into each other's eyes. I was actually pretty surprised their relationship had survived this long. But I took it as a good thing that Ganondorf couldn't even destroy a relationship. I climbed down from behind the windmill and wandered into the graveyard.

It was empty, not that I'd expected anything else (actually I'd been half-expecting a pre-teen version of that creepy Dampé kid, but that's not important). Being curious and not exactly burdened with morals I walked right up to Dampé's old hut and tried the door. Unlocked. Score!

It too, was empty, but this time I'd been more-than-half expecting some kind of hidden treasure, the guy's life savings, or at least some cool stuff.

"Hey, look!" Navi had found Dampé's journal. Second score!

_Whoever reads this, please enter my grave. I will let you have my stretching, shrinking keepsake. I'm waiting for you._

_--Dampé_

Creepy, but an invitation is an invitation. I left the hut and started reading tombstones. Dampé's grave turned out to be the furthest one on the left right next to the cliff face (this is true in the game too, oddly enough). Once I got there, however, I had no idea what to do. I leaned against the tombstone and sighed.

Then I felt it shift beneath my weight. Score three!

There proved to be a hole underneath the tombstone and, despite my history with holes under tombstones and aversion to anything undead (it's just so wrong!) I hopped down it.

Have I mentioned that I hate the undead? I do. Ghosts, ReDeads, Poes, Stalfos _and_ Stalchilds (Stalchildren?), I hate them all. They just creep me out. I think it started with ReDeads, ugh. All that rotting flesh and moaning. _Brr_. I get shivers just thinking about it. I think that when something is dead it should _stay_ dead. But I digress.

Dampé the ghost was floating a foot or so off the ground at the end of the room I found myself in. He had a halo and a lantern and was moving his jaw in a very bizarre way. And he _freakin' creeped me out!_

"Hey there young man!" he called in an eerie echo-y voice. "I may not look it but I'm quite fast, how would you like to race?"

"Umm, okay." What else could I say?

"Follow me if you can!" Dampé floated backwards through a hallway and I followed as quickly as I could. He led me through a labyrinth of halls and rooms, dropping fires along the way to guide (and burn) me. The underground maze was actually pretty cool, all kinds of different styles and colors. I would have decided to come back and explore later, but there was the matter of the place being haunted, plus I heard moans as I ran, ReDead moans (brr). The race seemed to go on for hours, I nearly got lost more than once until I saw fire around a corner.

You know, now that I think about it, it wasn't really a race. More like me just keeping up. Anyway, I finally caught up to the dead freak, which was kind of a hollow victory considering I didn't want to be anywhere near him.

"Congratulations!" he shouted in a curiously echo-y manner (I hate ghosts). "For keeping up with me I'll grant you my treasure!"

Behind him was a chest, the typical something-important-is-in-here chest. I wasn't really sure if it was a good idea, but I went over and opened it.

Fourth Score! I got the Hookshot! w00t! (Hey, anyone know what that means?)

"Be careful as you leave," Dampé warned me, then he spun around and disappeared.

Have I mentioned that I hate ghosts?

As soon as Dampé was gone I went straight for the exit, but something about Dampé's warning and the grating sound above me made me suspicious and I rolled out from under an enormous block that would probably have crushed my skull just as it came crashing down. Great, now I was trapped between two blocks, the one that tried to kill me and another one that was blocking the door.

Actually, there was something strange about that second block, besides the fact that I couldn't budge it. Carved on the side facing me was a very familiar pattern, it looked like the same pattern that had been on the Door of Time. Definitely a clue. I pulled out the Ocarina, played the Song of Time, just to see if anything would happen, and voila! The block disappeared. I was out of there.

And in the Windmill apparently. Weird, but oh well. Hey look, it's the crazy windmill guy!

"Hi there," I said to him.

"Grr," he replied.

"That's friendly," I snorted, and turned to leave, but the crazy windmill guy saw the Ocarina I still had in my hand and…went nuts.

"I can still remember it," he cried. "Seven years ago, the song that brat played that made the windmill spin out of control!" He then proceeded to pound out a song on his accordion.

A pretty good song actually, or it would have been if it were played less harsh. I put the Ocarina to my lips and tried to follow the melody, Crazy Windmill Guy didn't even notice. Or at least he didn't until I got the song right and the windmill started spinning a lot faster and it started raining. Indoors.

"What!" he exclaimed. "This isn't right! It's spinning way too fast!"

"How 'bout that?" I grinned sheepishly and started backing away. Which wasn't actually a good idea considering how quickly the windmill was spinning. Yeah, so I got spun around a few times and became thoroughly wet and dizzy before finally managing to stumble outside and collapse on the ground.

"Ugh," I said.

"Did you see that!" Navi exclaimed, bobbing around wildly. "Did you see what happened when you played that song!"

"Uh, yeah," I sat up and held my head. "It was kind of hard to miss."

"Play it again, play it again!"

"Okay, okay." I played the song again and was slightly (only slightly) surprised when the already dark clouds burst and began pouring down rain. "Great, now I'm dizzy, freaked _and_ completely soaked. I don't care what you say, Navi, I'm not going anywhere any time soon."

I spent the night in the tree at the entrance to town. Sleeping in trees is not comfortable, or easy, but it is certainly a lot safer than sleeping on the ground when you never know if a Stalchild is going to pop up and use those claws on your inert form.

Have I mentioned that I hate the undead?

Anyway, the truth is I spent the night in the tree more because I was too embarrassed to ask Mrs. Boss Carpenter if I could use her floor, and I wasn't sure if anyone else would let me. And sleeping on the ground just didn't feel safe, even if Stalchildren never came into towns (and they didn't) there were always people and other creatures of the night who would.

I've got to backtrack a little now. It was evening and I was scoping out the tree as a sleeping place when I thought of the sad guy, the Carpenter's son, who used to sit in front of it. I wondered where he was now and if he was less sad. I also remembered the Gold Skulltula that had been in the tree, which reminded me of those creepy cursed guys in the House of Skulltula, as it was called. I considered visiting them, It _had_ been seven years, but I'd only killed two spiders of the curse since my last visit and the patriarch of that family was not the sort of thing you would want on your mind as you were trying to go to sleep.

All right, point is, I slept in a tree. And, that night, I had my first wet dream. The first of several. Actually, I didn't go a single night in my freakishly horny adult body without one. Deal with it.

I won't go into the details of the dream, if you want to hear them you're not the type of person I want reading this story anyway, but it involved a blonde with sapphire eyes and the body of an angel… Ack! Focus!

The next morning I was awakened much too early by the sound of crowing coming from the pocket in my tunic. The pocket cucco had hatched and was making a racket. I regained my balance (the cucco had startled me out of a crucial moment in my dream and I'd nearly fallen out of the tree), transferred the bird to my pack, and climbed down. The sun was just rising, not that I could see it too well through the menacing clouds. Something was very wrong at Death Mountain, but I didn't have time to deal with it. I had to get home.

I started to turn and leave the village, when my stomach reminded me it was breakfast time. Okay, first things first, I needed food.

After refreshing my supplies at the general store (which doesn't exist in the game for some reason. Does game-me not need to eat _or_ sleep?) I stopped by Mrs. Boss Carpenter's house for a hot breakfast. Mmm, food… Mrs. Boss Carpenter seemed a little concerned about how thin I was (considering how thin _her_ son was the last time I saw him I didn't think she had that right) and made sure I had plenty.

During the meal Mrs. Boss Carpenter and Mammamu Yan kept talking about Talon, who was still asleep in the back. Mrs. Boss Carpenter was worried about him, Mammamu Yan just thought he was a lazy bum. I sort of agreed with both of them, but I was worried about Malon so I decided to see what I could do to help her. In other words, I decided to wake up Talon.

Of course, the best way to wake someone up, as I knew from personal experience, was to have a cucco crow in their ear. I took the miniature pocket cucco out of my pack, held it up to Talon's face, and gave it a jab.

Bingo! Talon woke up with a start and looked around in confusion. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Name's Link," I told him. "I'm a friend of your daughter's."

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "Did you save Malon?"

"Well, I saved Epona."

"I've got to get back to the ranch right away!" Talon jumped up from the bed. "I only hope Malon can forgive me!" With that he rushed out of Mrs. Boss Carpenter's house and off into the distance.

I blinked. "Cool."

There was just one last thing I had to do before going home; return the pocket cucco. It wasn't mine and I didn't want it and the cucco lady probably missed it.

When I gave it to her she seemed quite happy about the state it was in. "It seems to really like you," she said. "You have a gift for getting along with cuccos."

"Huh?"

"Could you do me another favor?"

"Well, I guess…What is it?"

"My brother's only friend is a cucco named Cojiro, but ever since he left Cojiro's been depressed, he hardly ever crows. Could you take him with you for awhile, try and cheer him up?"

"As long as he doesn't crow too much…Okay, sure."

"Thank you so much!" She turned and pointed to a blue cucco off by itself in the closest corner of the pen. "That's Cojiro there, please take good care of him!"

"Can do," I said. Then I picked up the blue cucco and, finally, left.


	4. Home

Chapter 4. Home

It took most of the morning to get to the Kokiri Forest from Kakariko. Epona didn't seem to mind either being left alone for so long, or the feathered passenger we'd picked up. She's such a good horse.

It was very strange, riding in under the trees of my home. It only seemed like a few days since I'd been there last but…so many things had changed. I knew things now that I hadn't known before, that no child should have to know. I had seen the closest thing I had to a father die, despite having done my best to save him. I had said good-bye to my best friends, many of whom thought I would die just by leaving. I had seen a girl that I felt closer to then anyone else I had ever known ride away in terror from an evil man I had failed to stop. And in trying to save that girl I had unknowingly allowed that evil man to take over the land I was just getting to know.

My Kokiri friends hadn't had nearly that much trouble. Sure, they lost the Deku Tree, but most of them probably blamed me for his death, and for all they knew I was dead too.

Dammit. I should not have to put up with all this by myself.

I resigned myself to the fact that this was all very weird and stepped onto the bridge into the forest.

Just as I did, Cojiro, who was following me, crowed. I didn't take much notice of it, cuccos crow all the time, but then Navi said, "Isn't he not supposed to crow much?"

"Huh?" I had gotten myself lost in a fantasy involving the blonde from my dream, the bridge, and adult situations.

"That cucco," Navi repeated. "Isn't he not supposed to crow much?"

"Cojiro?" I picked him up off the ground. "You're right, the cucco lady did say something about that." I shrugged. "Maybe he just likes the forest."

Navi just floated there. I got the feeling she was staring at me.

"_I_ like the forest," I said.

"So do I," Navi said. "I'm just trying to figure out what connection you made between that cucco liking the forest and crowing."

I ignored her, but she had a point. Why _had_ Cojiro crowed? My answer didn't make much sense, but what other reason could there be?

Before I could come up with a good answer, I realized where I was. This was the bridge where Saria had given me her ocarina, the same ocarina she had taught me to play on when I was younger. Saria was my best friend, almost like a big sister to me, and I was sure she was worried sick about me, especially if she thought I was dead.

Navi was forced to bump into my head a couple of times before I snapped out of my reverie and finished crossing the bridge. She can be so annoying sometimes, but it's surprising how much I like her. Sure she's a nag, but that's just one aspect of her. The biggest aspect. Whatever, back to the story.

The second, I mean the exact _second_, we got into the Kokiri village some stupid little Mad Scrub beaned me with a seed. And while I was disoriented from that this enormous Deku Baba almost snapped my leg off!

So it was "To battle brave hero!" for awhile as I fought my way through a ridiculous number of monsters to nearest house. Navi helped out, drawing my blows to the monsters, but as soon as I reached the door she hid in my hat and stayed there.

Two small Kokiri children stared at me. I stared right back. I recognized them. That was Sodo and Lado, two of my friends! But they hadn't changed one bit since the last time I'd seen them! What the hell is going on!

"Who are you mister?" Sodo asked.

For a moment I couldn't say anything, I was too shocked. How could my friends have stayed exactly the same for seven years? Oh sure, they'd looked pretty much the same for most of my childhood, but most of my childhood was a happy blur anyway. I could barely remember my growing up, much less theirs.

"What happened here?" I asked. "This place used to be so peaceful."

"Yeah," Lado agreed. "But then the Deku Tree died and Link left and the meanies started appearing."

"Meanies," I repeated incredulously.

"Uh-huh," Lado nodded. "Now it's too dangerous to go outside. Everyone's hiding. Except Mido and Saria."

"Saria!" Reminded suddenly of her I turned and ran out of there, with Lado and Sodo staring after me.

Moments later (I would have been faster but I had to dodge/chop "meanies" all the way there) I burst through Saria's front door.

"Where's Saria?" I asked the girl who sat there.

"She's gone," Redo said. "She went into the Lost Woods 'cause she said there was a…thing," she couldn't seem to remember what Saria had said, "anyway, she went to the Sacred Forest Meadow and Mido followed her."

"Mido did!" I stared. "So _Mido_ actually went into the Lost Woods?"

"Yeah," Redo nodded. "I thought Mido was too scared to go in there too, but he did." She shrugged.

"But what about the monst- er, meanies? Aren't the Woods even more dangerous now?"

"Probably," Redo shrugged again. "But Saria was really worried about something, and Mido's totally crazy about her, so they went."

"I'm going too," I announced, more to Navi then Redo, and went back outside.

_Where_ do all those monsters keep coming from?

Cojiro crowed again as we entered the first clearing of the Woods. I picked him up again and started shushing him, until I noticed the dead guy sitting under the Skull Kid's stump.

Oh wait, he's not dead, he's that scary zombified carpenter's son and he's sound asleep. That scared me for a second.

"Hey, um, guy," I leaned over him. "You okay?" He didn't look so good. "Hey, wake up." I prodded his shoulder. "Wake up!" It wasn't working and I was fairly certain he shouldn't be sleeping in the middle of the Lost Woods.

"Okay," I grabbed Cojiro, who was still following me, and held him in front of the guy. "I know you don't crow much," I said to the bird, "But -"

Cojiro interrupted me with a crow loud enough to wake the dead (bad idea), as well as, apparently, that guy.

He stirred, then opened his eyes. "Cojiro!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing with this guy?"

"He's waking you up," I answered. "What are you doing in here?"

The guy ignored me and took Cojiro. He examined him carefully, then stared into his beady cucco eyes for a few seconds. "He seems to like you," the guy said to me. "You must be a good guy."

I shrugged. "I try. What are you doing in here? The Woods are dangerous for everyone, especially those who don't know their way around."

"I was looking for this." The guy took out a small packet containing what looked like a mushroom. "It's an important ingredient for…something I need. But I don't know if I can get it to Kakariko in time."

"In time?" I repeated. "In time for what?"

The guy smiled sadly. "Well, as soon as this mushroom leaves the Woods it will start to spoil, and I can barely move. I'll never get it to that old potion woman before it rots."

"Well, that sucks…" I was conflicted. I was worried about Saria, and I knew Navi was too, but this guy was obviously in trouble. "Give me the mushroom.," I said. "I'll run it to Kakariko and be back before you know it."

"Are you sure?" the guy looked at me gratefully.

I nodded. "Yup, just hang on to Cojiro for me, kay?"

The guy nodded silently. I took the mushroom and started running.

"Link!" Navi bobbed along after me. "What are you doing?"

"That guy is really sick Navi," I said, dodging a Scrub. "And he's in the Lost Woods, I've _got_ to help him."

"But I know about forest mushrooms Link," That could be true, Navi knew a lot of stuff. "There's no way you can run to Kakariko in time."

"I can't," I ran across the bridge, "but Epona can."

Epona was quite willing to gallop all the way to the village, surprisingly enough, and that, coupled with my mad dash through town, was enough to get the mushroom to the old potion lady with plenty of time.

"Hey," I panted to her, "this guy in the Lost Woods told me to give this to you." I thrust the mushroom at her.

"That fool," the woman said. "I told him it was much too dangerous, now it may be too late."

"Too late!" I exclaimed, but the old woman wasn't paying any attention to me.

"Wait here," she ordered. "I'll make the potion for that fool, but I'll need you to run it back to him." She disappeared behind the curtains in the back, and I settled on the counter to wait.

"Hey!"

I ignored her.

"Hey!"

Nope, not listening.

"Listen!"

I said _no_.

"There's a strange wind coming from the Sacred Forest Meadow. We should check it out!"

"We're _going to_ Navi," I said, giving up. "I'll just help this guy out on the way."

Navi sighed angrily and slipped under my hat to sulk.

The old woman returned with the potion after about ten minutes and gave it to me with instructions.

"Get it to that fool as fast as you can," she said. "And remember, even I can't heal a monster."

"No problem," I said with a smile. This was not true, I was sure Epona was still tired from the gallop over here, but I didn't want to worry the lady. I wasn't really sure what was going on between this lady and that guy, but I would do my best.

After that it was another mad dash, another pounding gallop, and another sprint through meanies to get the odd potion to that guy.

He wasn't there.

Standing where he had been was Tido, another Kokiri girl. I walked up to her and asked what had happened to the sickly guy.

"That guy isn't here anymore," she said. "All who enter the forest will be lost. Everybody will become a Stalfos. Everybody, Stalfos."

Okay, Tido was seriously freaking me out now.

"So that guy isn't here anymore," she continued. "Only his saw is left." She giggled.

"Well, I was supposed to give him this potion," I took it out, "so if you know where he went-"

"Hey!" Tido grabbed at the potion. "That was made with things stolen from this forest, give it back!" She snatched it from my hand. "You can have this." She pressed the poacher's saw into my hand.

"But-"

Tido looked up at me with a strange look in her eyes, then she giggled. "Are you going to be…too?" She giggled again, wildly.

Tido had always been a little…off, but she was really scaring me, so I high-tailed it out of there in the direction of the Meadow.

Most of the Woods seemed not to have changed, or at least not to have changed any more than woods normally do over seven years. That was a comforting thought; at least Ganondorf hadn't screwed with all the areas of my childhood. But my best friend could be in a lot of trouble, so I didn't waste time looking at the scenery.

A couple of clearings away from the meadow, Mido blocked my way.

"Move it short stuff," I ordered, thoroughly enjoying bossing him around.

"No way," he said stubbornly. "No one gets through me without proving they're worthy. I promised Saria I would never let anybody go through here."

"Look," I rolled my eyes. "I'm a friend of Saria's and-"

"What are you? Though you wear Kokirish clothing, you can't fool me!" Mido shook his head firmly. "None shall pass."

I resisted the urge to smack his swollen head off his little shoulders and took out the Ocarina of Time.

"I'll _prove_ I know Saria," I said, and I played her song.

Mido listened in awe as I played. "That melody! Saria plays that song all the time," he said once I'd finished. "Saria taught that song only to her friends..." He stepped aside. "You can go."

"Thank you," I said smugly, and started to march past him.

"When I see you," Mido said softly, sadly. "I don't know why, but I remember...him..."

I said nothing and went on my way to the Forest Temple.


	5. Saria

5. Saria

ka-CHINK

"HHRRRRMMMMMMMM!"

_BAM!_

"Unh!"

_splash_

"Ow!"

_expletive deleted_

_expletive deleted_

_expletive deleted_

Those were the sounds heard just after I entered the Sacred Forest Meadow. A frickin' _enormous_ monster with a huge spear completely stabbed me and threw me into a pool of water. Needless to say, I was pissed.

"Calm down Link," Navi said.

"Calm down!" I repeated. "_Calm down!_"

"See, now you're just drawing attention to yourself."

"So what?" I pulled myself out of the water.

ka-CHINK

"HHRRRRMMMMMMMM!"

_BAM!_

"Unh!"

_splash_

"So that," Navi answered smugly.

"Ow, ow, ow," was all I could say.

"Wait until the moblin is farther away," Navi instructed me. "They're really strong, but really stupid, and it'll forget about you if it can't see you."

I stared at her. "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

"How could anything that dumb wield a spear?"

Navi bobbed up and down in the fairy equivalent of a shrug. "Beats me. Now be quiet so it doesn't notice you."

I crouched down under the lip of the pool and waited for the moblin to wander over to the other side of the passage. Then I lifted myself out of the water and crept towards it. I doubted my sword would do much good against the great hulking brute, so I got out the hookshot and prepared to take it out from a distance.

Pow!

_thunk_

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaauurgh!"

"Yes! Got it!" I pumped my arm up in the air. "I took you _down_!"

"Celebrate later," Navi called from elsewhere in the maze of bushes. "This place is _crawling_ with moblins."

I sighed. "Perfect."

Fifteen minutes later I was faced with the biggest moblin I had ever seen. Not only was it three, maybe four times my size, but it was armed with a hammer as tall as I was. The huge moblin roared and pounded the ground with the huge hammer. I managed to dodge by weaving back and forth and finally rolling between his legs.

I expected the thing to turn around and keep attacking but…it didn't. Navi was right. Moblins are the stupidest things in the world.

Since Giganto-Moblin wasn't doing me any harm I left him standing guard and walked up the stairs and into the clearing where Saria had sat.

It was empty. I suppose I should have known, after all, Saria probably _was_ in trouble, so why would she still be in the Meadow?

I started walking toward the entrance to the Temple. I couldn't see a way up to the entrance, unless…

"Waugh!" I exclaimed as a lithe figure jumped down from the trees.

"Yo," Sheik greeted me calmly.

"Sheik?" I stared at him. "What are you doing here?"

"Helping," he answered, just like before. Then he took the harp he had slung across his back and spoke. "The flow of time is always cruel... Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days... In order to come back here again, play the Minuet of Forest."

With that he began to play a song I could only assume was the Minuet of Forest. It had a nice tune, and, though I wasn't completely sure what a Minuet was, it certainly reflected the forest. I took out the Ocarina and followed along.

As the music of the harp and Ocarina mingled in the air between us I felt something stirring around me, most likely the magic of the song. But I didn't know that the song was magic, and when I stopped playing I blinked, looked as Sheik, and asked, "What…was _that_?"

Sheik smiled, I could tell by the way his eyes crinkled up. "The Minuet of Forest will transport you back to this clearing whenever you play it."

"Cool," I looked down at the Ocarina. "It's amazing what music can do isn't it?"

Sheik laughed. I wasn't really sure why, but he did. Long and loud.

"What?" I asked. Sheik just laughed harder. "_What_?" Finally Sheik wiped his eyes and sighed.

"You're still a child on the inside aren't you?" he asked.

"Well, yeah, I guess. Why?"

Sheik grinned. "I said almost the exact same thing when I first learned that song and what it could do."

I blinked again. "Really?"

He nodded. "Link…I'll see you again."

"What? Hey!" Sheik threw something on the ground that created a bright flash of light, and by the time my vision returned he was gone.

"There is something seriously wrong with that guy," Navi said.

"I like him," I replied. "Okay, so he's a little bit weird, but I like him."

Navi wasn't paying any attention to me. "Try and grab this branch with that grabby thingie," she called down. The branch hung just over what remained of the entrance to the Forest Temple, and grabbing it with the hookshot would probably land me on it.

"Okay," I said, "but it's called the hookshot."

"Whatever."

Latching onto the branch and pulling myself up was easy enough, especially compared to what awaited me just inside the Temple.

Two wolfos. Yeah, two coming at me at once. Actually, it would have been easier if they'd both come at me at once. Instead one came at me and the other stayed behind, then they'd switch and the one who'd been resting would come at me from behind. I managed to take one out with a spin attack, then climbed up some ivy and onto a tree to rest before going after the other one.

While I was up there I noticed two things. One: a gold skulltula or, "Spider of the Curse," as the father of the cursed family in Kakariko had called them. Two: something glinting in the tree across from mine. I killed One, and leapt across to investigate Two, which turned out to be a key. All right!

Then I had to deal with the other wolfos, which was easy enough once it's buddy was gone, and go through the door into the corridor.

There was one of those huge skulltulas along the way, but the hookshot took it down in one shot. "I love this thing," I said, grinning, to Navi. Navi ignored me, she always did that for awhile after I'd been ignoring her, but it didn't matter.

I opened the door at the end of the hall and stared at the room beyond. It was large, dark, and lit mainly by four oddly-colored torches around the small cage-like thing in its center. Or at least it _was_, until four apparently female poes came in and stole the flames from the torches, causing the cage to sink into the floor.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, at the same time as Navi. I turned to her. "What was that?"

"It looked like the Poe Sisters."

"'Poe Sisters?'" I repeated incredulously.

"Uh-huh," Navi did her bobbing imitation of a nod. "Joelle, Amy, Beth and Meg. They're rather infamous."

"So what was with the torches?" I looked back at the center of the room. "And that cage thingie?"

Navi shrugged. "The cage thingie was an elevator, but I don't know if it's important."

"Well of course it's important!" I drew my sword and stalked over to where the elevator had been. "Would those poes have cut off access to it if it weren't important?"

"Good point," Navi agreed. Then she brightened (literally). "You're learning," she said proudly.

"And just how much of that do you think is due to you?" Navi said nothing. "Come on, we've got to find those Poe bitches."

The door up the stairs at the opposite end of the room, the only unblocked one actually, lead to a flying skull surrounded by blue bubbles. Navi said it was called a Blue Bubble. Of course.

I figured out how to defeat the Bubble purely by accident. It bumped up against my shield and lost both its bubbles and its height advantage, in other words: it fell down, appearing to be just an ordinary hylian skull. That hopped around. Eww. I smashed it to bits with the Master Sword.

The room beyond that seemed normal (or at least as normal as they came in that place) until the door locked behind me and a skeleton rose up from the earth.

"A stalfos!" Navi exclaimed.

"_That's_ a stalfos!" In my surprise, I just barely managed to duck its huge spiked club. The creepy voice of Tido ringing in my ears, I shot the skeleton with the hookshot, pulling its head off.

Have I mentioned that I hate the undead?

Unfortunately, once the first stalfos had been destroyed (which was hard by the way) a second one rose up and came after me. I finished it off the same way I had the first one (smashed its head up) and when I did I found…a key. A key had been in its skull.

I forced myself not to think about it and headed back to the room with the now unlit torches.

The key didn't really help me there, since, of the two remaining doors, one was blocked by bars and the other by…a block. But the block had the same symbol as the door of time. The same symbol as the block in Dampé's underground labyrinth. I played the Song of Time and the block disappeared in a beam of light.

This door lead to what Navi identified as the West Courtyard. It wasn't nearly as creepy as the rest of the Temple, but there was an octorok in the stream that ran through it, and three of the smaller skulltulas on an ivy-covered wall that lead up to a door.

Since that was the only door I thought I could reach, I brought down two of the skulltulas with the hookshot, but the third one I just couldn't reach. After weighing my options (and listening to Navi whine (and getting lost in a fantasy with that blonde girl again)) I decided to risk it and just climb up the wall. I managed to avoid the skulltula by staying as far right as possible and only moving when its back was to me. Once I got to the top of the wall I killed it quite happily.

The room beyond the door at the top of the wall held another one of those Blue Bubbles, which I finished off easily enough. And this one held an old map of the Temple, very useful, especially when the door I hadn't come in by led me to a balcony in the East Courtyard.

"This says that the switch on that balcony over there," I pointed, "will drain that well over _there_."

"Why do you want to drain the well?" Navi asked.

"So I can climb down into it."

Navi just stared at me.

"Don't question my logic, okay?" I put the map away and got out the hookshot. "Now, let's see if I can get over there without touching the ground."

Navi rolled herself (it's like rolling her eyes). "I will never understand Hylians."

"I'm a Kokiri," I corrected her. But that made me wonder. If I was a Kokiri, why hadn't I died when I left the forest? Why had I grown? Why had I always felt outside when all my friends were in?

Banishing those questions from my mind (I was a Kokiri, I had to be) I aimed the hookshot at a small black and white target on the other balcony. Hook and pull, yes!

Five minutes later I was climbing down the well, it took that long since I had to pause and kill another gold skulltula on the way. It was still damp in there, and pretty empty, except for a key lying on the floor at the opposite end. I climbed out and found myself back in the West Courtyard.

The key unlocked another door in the room with the unlit torches, and this one led down a hall with a big skulltula in it and to a strange labyrinthine room with a lot of different levels and a couple of enormous blocks that I had to move to get anywhere.

Okay Link, climb the first two ladders, then find a green block. Pull it out until it's all the way out of the corridor, then push it to the right until it stops. Run around through where it was and to the right, then push it all the way until it sinks. Don't climb up it yet! Return to where it was originally to find a ladder. Climb up, then make two right turns and find a red block. Push it as far as it'll go, then return to the floor below and climb up onto the green block. From there, climb up to the next level and then push the red block until it falls into place, hop on, hop off, take a right, climb the ladder, kill the Blue Bubbles, and finally enter the locked door.

Whew. That was annoying. I was happy to get out of that room, at least until I got a good look at the corridor I was in.

It made my brain hurt. The entire corridor was…twisted ninety degrees to the right. As I walked down it, I stayed upright while the corridor twisted around me. It was dizzying and annoying and I didn't want to ever have to go back down it.

The next room wasn't much better though. There was a chest and stairs on one of the walls, but while I was staring at them a large shadow began forming beneath me.

"Look out!" I rolled out of the way just as an enormous mottled hand dropped down from the ceiling right where I'd stood.

"Wallmaster," Navi said knowingly. "They hang down from the ceiling and grab people."

I gulped and got out of there as fast as I could.

Up a staircase with poe paintings I found the room where I'd fought the two stalfos, but this time I was above and there was a big hole in the floor. A lone stalfos attacked me, but I knew enough by now not to trust that it was really alone. Sure enough, once it was dead(er) two more stalfos and the rest of the floor dropped down.

The third stalfos I killed (if you can kill a skeleton) left behind a bow and a full quiver of arrows, which I took quite happily to see what I could do with it.

Quite a bit as it turned out.

For starters, I had to play a quick game of shoot-the-painting with Amy the Poe Sister in order to get a key and the torch flame she'd stolen back into the central room.

Then I had to go down the brain-hurting corridor, shoot the eye switch above it to untwist it, and go back down it to get the big scary-looking key out of the chest on what was now the floor.

Then I had to collect some keys, re-twist the corridor, and take down Amy's sister Beth to get a compass.

Then there was some more traveling, a non-twisted corridor with Green Bubbles, a frozen eye switch and some moving pillars, a deadly falling ceiling, and, finally, The third Poe Sister, Amy.

She had only one painting, but she broke it up into blocks and made me put it together in under a minute before I could fight her. It was really hard (I am not a thinker, I'm a fighter, my way of solving things is to beat the crap out of them) but I did it. After six tries. But I did it and I won. Yeah! Take _that_ you dead bitch!

Ahem.

Once I was done with her I left the room to find myself on the previously inaccessible balcony in the central room. Three of the torches were lit, and the last Poe Sister, Meg, was waiting for me.

After some trial and error with the copies she made of herself, I defeated the last Poe bitch and the elevator rose up from the floor once again.

"Wait Link," Navi said as I was about to step onto it. "We don't know what's down there."

"No," I agreed. "We don't." Then I stepped on the elevator and rode it down.

The path was still barred, literally, and there were no eye switches to be found. I swore angrily and slammed my fists against the bars. "I'm so _close_!"

"Calm down Link," Navi said. "It's just another big monster or something. It can wait."

"But what if Saria _can't_?" I sighed and leaned my head against the bars. "I have been having a ridiculously hard day, and I've been worried about Saria throughout all of it. I want to make sure she's safe so I can get back to worrying about Zelda without distraction."

Navi stared at me. "You're worried about Zelda?"

I didn't answer. With my head against the bars the way it was I could see between the wall of the room and the wall that the door was in. There were two completely separate walls, and they didn't look attached.

"What are you doing?"

I was pushing experimentally against a protruding bit of wall. Just as I'd expected, it turned. The entire wall rotated counter-clockwise. "Yes!" I ran over to the room I now had access to and pressed the switch. "Do you think that opened it?" I asked Navi.

"Uhh…"

"Never mind. I'll push it again."

Counter-clockwise. Hit another switch.

Counter-clockwise again. Gold skulltula.

Counter-clockwise one more time. Yet another switch.

Cross the room and enter the hall.

Unlock the door and enter…

At first it seemed like there was nothing there. A big empty room with big identical paintings all around. But…there was something. The room was too dark, too quiet, too ominous to be as empty as it seemed. Even Navi felt it, I could tell by the was she was hiding under my hat. I wanted to tell her to get out of there, but I couldn't bring myself to speak and break the silence of that room.

Since there didn't seem to be anything else I could do, I turned and started to leave. ka-CHINK! Spears popped up and blocked the exit, and behind me I heard deep laughter and the clatter of hoof beats.

"Ganondorf!" I grabbed the first weapon that came to my hand and turned around, and sure enough that looked like Ganondorf. But he was much bigger, much darker, and glowing purple.

He laughed again, then turned his horse around and rode into one of the paintings. Right into it, like it was a real path and not just a painting. "Get back here!" I shouted, but it did no good.

"Link!" I spun around to see that phantom Ganon riding at me from a painting. I drew the weapon I had grabbed before, it turned out to be my bow, and shot at him. Yes! A hit! But all he did was turn around and disappear.

I kept that up until he gave up on the horse and came at me himself, shooting a bright ball of energy at me. I dodged it the first time, but it spread as it hit the ground and waves of energy traveled up my feet and into my body.

It hurt like hell.

"The sword that can destroy evil," Navi said, and since it was the best idea she'd had in a while I drew the Master Sword just in time to smack Ganon's ball of energy back at him. Then he hit it back at me, I hit it back at him, he hit it back at me, I hit it back at him, one of us had to slip up eventually and it sure as hell wasn't going to be me.

Then it happened. Ganon was just a second too late hitting the ball of energy and it struck him square in the chest.

He fell to the ground and I rushed at him with the sword. It was only as I was striking him, again and again, that I realized: either Ganondorf had more power than I thought, or this wasn't him. This…whatever it was, was made of something that wasn't flesh.

Well if it wasn't Ganondorf it wasn't worth my time, and apparently the real Ganon realized that as well. The puppet suddenly rose into the air, not like it had been before, triumphantly, but jerkily, like a marionette being poorly manipulated.

"Hey kid, you did quite well." That familiar voice filled the air, filling me with rage.

"Where are you!" I roared. "Show yourself!"

"It looks like you may be gaining some slight skill... But you have defeated only my phantom, when you fight the real me, it won't be so easy! What a worthless creation that ghost was! I will banish it to the gap between dimensions!" The puppet burst into purple flames and fell back to earth.

"Come back here and face me!" I shouted, but I could already tell he was gone. "Damn him!" I fell to my knees and punched the ground. "Damn him!"

"Link…" Navi said softly. "Look."

I was being surrounded by bright blue light, and when my eyes cleared I was back in that room where I had first awakened after taking the Master Sword. "Dammit!" I exclaimed. "It hasn't been another seven years has it!"

"No," a soft voice said. "The first seven were bad enough."

"Saria!" She was standing on the green platform in front of me. "You're okay!"

"I'm fine," she smiled. "Well, mostly. I'm also the Forest Sage."

"I knew it!" I shouted triumphantly. "So you'll be able to help me now, right?"

"Of course." She paused. "Link…you're all grown up…"

I looked down at myself. "Well, close."

"I always knew you were different Link. I always knew you would leave us someday."

"I haven't left you, I'm still here! Saria…"

"Here, take this." A green medallion appeared in front of Saria and drifted over to me. I took it in my hand, and felt a strange warmth spread through me. I felt refreshed, and stronger than before.

"That is the Forest Medallion," Saria told me. "With it, I join my power with yours."

I squeezed the Medallion in my hand. "Thank you."

Saria smiled, and then the light filled my vision once more. In that transition period between leaving one place and appearing in another, I heard Saria's voice. "Saria will always be…your friend..."

When the light cleared I was standing in the clearing in front of the remains of the Great Deku Tree. Great, now I was really depressed. I stood there for a moment and just stared. Then I noticed something. A little sprout, poking its head out of the ground at my feet. I bent over it and brushed a few grains of dirt off of the leaves.

Then it started to shake, and burst out of the ground with such force that it threw me flat on my back.

"Hi!" the little tree said. "I'm the Deku Tree Sprout!"

"Deku Tree Sprout?"

"Yes?"

"Cool!" Suddenly, things were looking brighter. "So you're, like, the Great Deku Tree's kid or something, right?"

"I'm, like, the Great Deku Tree reborn," the Sprout corrected. "Which means I know everything the Great Deku Tree knew. And that reminds me, have you seen your old friends? None of them recognized you with your grown-up body, did they? That's because the Kokiri never grow up, even after seven years, they're still kids! You must be wondering why only you have grown up! Well, as you might have already guessed, you are not a Kokiri! You are actually a Hylian! I am happy to finally reveal this secret to you!"

I goggled.

"Some time ago, before the King of Hyrule unified this country, there was a fierce war in our world. One day, to escape from the fires of the war, a Hylian mother and her baby boy entered this forbidden forest. The mother was gravely injured... Her only choice was to entrust the child to the Deku Tree, the guardian spirit of the forest. The Deku Tree could sense that this was a child of destiny, whose fate would affect the entire world, so he took him into the forest. After the mother passed away, the baby was raised as a Kokiri. And now, finally, the day of destiny has come!

"You are a Hylian, and were always bound to leave this forest. And now... You have learned your own destiny... So you know what you must do... That's right... You must save the land of Hyrule! Now, Link, break the curses on all of the Temples, and return peace to Hyrule!"

I nodded blankly and left.

So. I was an orphan. My whole life had been a lie.

I've got to tell you, that's not a good feeling.


	6. Gorons, or Lack Thereof

6. Gorons (Or Lack Thereof)

Stunned, and more than a little upset, I spent the night in a tree in Hyrule Field. I didn't actually sleep much, but when I did my dreams were filled with fire, war, lies, betrayal, and that blonde, who this time couldn't seem to decide whether her eyes were sapphire or ruby.

All the next morning I wandered aimlessly, leading Epona by her reins. Navi kept talking about the clouds over Death Mountain, but I was too locked in self-pity to care. Noon found me outside of Hyrule Castle Town and, without anything better to do, I went in.

I had a vague idea of putting the Master Sword back in the Pedestal of Time, just to see what would happen, but I was stopped from trying this when I walked into the Chamber. My foot was abruptly caught under something hard and I went crashing to the floor.

"Ow!"

"What the-!"

"Sheik?"

"Link?"

Sheik blinked sleepily at me, then pulled himself up into a sitting position. "You should watch where you're going," he muttered.

"_You_ shouldn't be sleeping in the Temple of Time." I peered at him. "_Were_ you sleeping in the Temple of Time?" He just blinked again. "_Why_ were you sleeping in the Temple of Time?"

Sheik yawned. "I have nowhere else to go," he answered simply.

This time I blinked at him. "You're kidding."

"Nope." He got up and walked over to the Pedestal, where he sat on one of the steps. He patted the spot next to him, inviting me to sit down. I did. "You look awful by the way."

"I don't doubt it." I scratched at one of my cheeks. "I just found out I'm an orphan."

Sheik shrugged. "So am I. Deal with it."

I stared at him. "You are?"

He nodded. "Ganon killed my parents, along with most of the other Sheikahs." He looked at me. "I told you when we met I was the last."

"Wow…" Now I felt bad. "You're worse off than I am. I'm just a regular Hylian."

Sheik laughed. Once again Sheik was laughing and I had no idea why. "Of all the things you are, a _regular_ Hylian is not among them."

I laughed too. "Maybe not." For awhile we laughed together, it felt pretty good after all the sadness of the last day or so. Eventually though, we stopped. And there was nothing to talk about.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Sheik spoke. "So… How'd things go in the Temple?" he asked brightly.

I groaned and slumped forward, putting my head between my knees.

"Oh, come on," Sheik patted my shoulder. "It can't have been that bad."

"It's not just that," I said, my voice muffled.

"Then what is it?"

I sighed. "You want the whole list?"

"Sock it to me."

"Okay," I took a deep breath. "I just found out everything I thought about myself was a lie, I've lost one of my best friends to sagehood, Ganondorf's puppet nearly finished me off and Ganondorf got away from me, I failed miserably at saving the world, I'm missing seven years of my life, I'm worrying myself sick over Zelda, and, oh yeah, I'm so horny I can barely think."

"Wow." Sheik took a deep breath and laughed a little. "Okay, that sucks, but at least that last one is normal."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"No, I'm serious. All guys our age feel like that."

"Not as bad as I feel it."

"Okay, look at me." I didn't move. "Sit up and look at me." I sighed and did so. "It. Is. Completely. Normal. I have those kinds of thoughts all the time."

"I refuse to believe that every teenage male thinks about this stuff as often as I do."

"Fine, be that way." He paused. "You know, this is a good opportunity to teach you the Prelude of Light."

"The who now?"

Sheik stood up and stretched. I just watched. It was odd, but for all Sheik's sleek musculature and obviously hard life, he was still pretty feminine. Like the way he stretched, luxuriously, like a cat. Sheik turned to me as I was thinking this, and I looked away immediately.

"Stand up and get out the Ocarina," Sheik ordered. I did, not really seeing much choice. "There will be times you will need to return here quickly," Sheik said in his formal tone. "You will need this song to be brought to this place… The Prelude of Light."

He began to play, and I played along. It was just like in the Sacred Meadow. The music rose up between us, but this time there was suddenly a lot more light in the room as we played. Or maybe I just became more aware of all the light. Either way, there was definitely something about that song, just as there had been for the other one.

"One more thing," Sheik said when he finished. He wasn't looking at me, but at the Pedestal. "Just so you know. If you put the Master Sword back in the Pedestal of Time…" he took a breath, as though saying this were an effort, "you'll go back."

"'Back'?" I thought I knew what he meant, but it seemed almost too good to be true. "What do you mean 'back'?"

"I mean _back_," he frowned at the Pedestal. "Back to your proper time."

"You mean it?" I rushed over to Sheik and took him by the shoulders, staring in his eyes. "I can really go back to being a kid?"

"Uh-huh," Sheik grinned. "You're still mentally a kid, aren't you?"

"Maybe." I released him and turned away. "What's it to you?"

"Ohh…nothing…" He was still grinning. "It's just, kids think differently about certain things, react differently to certain situations," he looked at me, with that infuriating grin still on his face, "blush easier…"

I gulped and turned away.

"Tell me what you're thinking right now."

I didn't say anything. At that exact moment I was thinking about how feminine he was and how I would like to throw him down, tear off his clothes, and discover that he was really as feminine as he looked, but I wasn't about to tell him that. "No," I said.

"Come on…"

"No."

"I won't tell anyone else."

"I said _no_."

"Fine," Sheik got to his feet and dusted himself off. "Then I won't tell you what I know about Zelda."

"_What_!" Instantly I was on my feet and had him by the collar. "You tell me what you know _now_, or I'll tear it from your head myself!"

"Geez, calm down." Sheik winced and I realized what I was doing.

Abruptly I released him. "Sorry," I said bluntly.

"No big deal." Sheik casually sat back down on the step. "Take a few deep breaths and get that testosterone under control, and I'll tell you all you need to know."

"I said tell me now," I loomed over him. "I'm not afraid to hurt you."

Sheik looked at me with narrowed eyes. "You couldn't hurt me if you tried."

"Oh no?"

"No."

We stared each other down, neither one of us blinking, moving, or doing anything but glaring and breathing. Suddenly, at the same moment my anger drained away and left me with a feeling I didn't even recognize, Sheik's eyes widened and he looked away.

"What?" I sat down on the steps and leaned towards him. Sheik wouldn't meet my eyes. I grinned. "What's the matter, scared?" I teased.

Sheik stood up and stepped away from me. "Not exactly," he said, still avoiding my gaze. "I just remembered something I have to do."

"Wait!" I leapt to my feet. "What about Zelda?"

Sheik looked at me and smiled. "She's fine, completely safe, and she's even more worried about you than you are about her."

Then, before I could say another word, he threw another one of those seeds on the ground and was gone.

For a while after that I stared at Pedestal, fingering the Master Sword's hilt. I could go back. I could run around as a kid, not have these thoughts and feelings that caused nothing but trouble, not have this constant hunger for something I knew I wouldn't get, that I both wanted and didn't want at the same time. I could go back to being without wild hormones racing through my blood.

I took my hand off the sword and turned away. There would be time for that later, right now I had to investigate those strange clouds over Death Mountain.

By the time I got to the Goron Village I had managed to push all thoughts of Sheik from my mind. Well, not _all_ thoughts, he was still there, lurking in the back of my mind, but the most nagging thoughts had been pushed aside to give me room to think. Not that I was doing much thinking anyway. In fact, I was doing so little thinking that it took me more than two full minutes to realize that the Village was empty.

Not a soul in sight. Not a single Goron in the place. Except for that little one rolling around on the third floor.

"Hey, little guy!" I shouted down at him. "Hey!" The little guy just rolled in the opposite direction. "I'm coming down there!" I warned him, then did, running down the stairs at unsafe speeds.

The little guy, despite being small, was very determined. Every time I got close to him he switched directions and rolled away from me. As a last resort, done mostly out of anger and exasperation then any real thought that it would work, I chucked a bomb at him.

It worked! He stopped! I ran up to him and demanded to know what he thought he was doing.

"I won't let you get me! You probably work for Ganondorf!" he exclaimed. He was shaking and looked very scared.

"Hey, hey, calm down. I do _not_ work for Ganondorf."

The little guy sniffled and looked up at me. "You don't?"

"No way. My name is Link," – funny how bits of information can completely slip your mind until you need them – "I'm Darunia's sworn brother."

"Your name is Link?" the Goron kid exclaimed. "_My_ name is Link!"

I stared. "You're kidding."

"Nuh-uh. Then you must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Link! My dad is Darunia, do you remember him? Dad named me Link after you, because you're so brave! It's a cool name! I really like it! Link, you're a hero to us Gorons! I'm so glad to meet you! Please give me your autograph! Sign it: 'To my friend, Link of the Gorons' Oh... I guess it's not a good time to ask you for this..."

"Wow." I always knew Darunia was a bit of a freak, but to name his kid after me? That was just…well, really flattering actually. And the kid needed to cut down on the sugar. "Where is everybody?" I asked Little Link.

He started sniffling again. "They've all been captured and taken to Death Mountain." With that he officially burst into tears.

"Oh no…"

Navi popped out. "Maybe he'll calm down if you talk to him."

I shook my head. "If he starts crying more, I'm blaming you." I leaned down and put my hand on his shoulder. "Okay Little Link, stop crying. If you tell me what you know I promise I'll do my best to save your people."

Little Link nodded and sniffed. "A long time ago there was an evil dragon named Volvagia living in this mountain. That dragon was very scary! He ate Gorons! Using a huge hammer, the hero of the Gorons... BOOOM! Destroyed it just like that. This is a myth from long ago, but it's true! I know, because my dad is a descendant of the hero! My dad, Darunia, went to the Fire Temple. The dragon is inside! If we don't hurry up, even my dad will be eaten by the dragon!" Little Link started crying again.

"I'll find him," I assured the little guy. "He's my brother after all."

"But you can't go into the mountain, it's much too hot for a Hylian like you."

"Well…yeah." I thought back. "I've been in the crater before and it _is_ pretty hot."

"I know!" Little Link produced a some red cloth from somewhere. "Take this, it'll keep you cool."

I took it and held it up. "This looks like that Goron Tunic thingie that was in the shop."

"It is!" Little Link said cheerfully.

"Okay." I held the tunic up against me. "Do you think it'll fit?"

"Try it on!" both Navi and Little Link said at the same time. So I did, while Navi explained the nature of her existence to the young Goron.

"Fits good," I said, swinging my arms.

"Great!" Little Link exclaimed (_wow_ he's energetic). "Now come on and I'll show you a secret passage in my dad's room!"

Little Link led us down the stairs and into his father's chambers, where he paused. "I know there's a secret passage somewhere in here that leads right into the mountain…" He started feeling the walls. "Hmm…"

I sighed and leaned against the statue at the back of the room. "I knew it was too good to be true."

"I know it's in here!" Little Link insisted.

I ignored him and closed my eyes. While Little Link muttered and Navi fluttered, I noticed that it was much warmer over by the statue. I opened my eyes and stated looking for the heat source. There! Warm air was coming from between the statue and the wall it stood against.

Experimentally, I pulled at it. It moved, so I pulled as hard as I could, dragging the statue away from the wall and revealing a dark, warm passageway.

"That's it!" Little Link exclaimed.

"Come on Navi," I said. "We've got work to do." And with that, I stepped into the heat.


	7. Heat Rash

7. Heat Rash

It was way _way_ WAY too hot in there. Even with the Goron Tunic on I was boiling. Apparently all that thing was supposed to do was keep the heat from killing me, and it _was_ doing its job, but the heat of the crater was beating down on me from all sides, sending rivers of sweat streaming down my body and soaking through my clothes. And, whether or not my female readers want to hear about this, it is really hard to fight evil with your balls stuck to your leg.

Not that I was fighting evil yet. After finding myself inside the volcano all I did was look around and ignore Navi. There was an unbelievable drop into lava all around the little outcropping of rock that I was standing on, and, nearby, an enormous rock that was blocking a source of cooler air. Naturally I tried to bust up the rock and get at that cooler air, but (here's the weird part) I couldn't blow it up! For someone of my mental capacity that was a disturbing concept. Something that bombs couldn't destroy? Blasphemy!

But I gave up on that when I saw a platform with the Triforce symbol on it off in the middle of the crater. Working by my theory that anything with the Triforce on it is important, I swung across the broken bridge and headed for it.

Sheik jumped down from out of nowhere.

"Holy crap Sheik!" I exclaimed. "You scared me!"

Sheik ignored my comment and spoke. "It is something that grows over time, a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes stronger over time. The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go… This song is dedicated to the power of the heart, listen to the Bolero of Fire."

And since he said it so insistently, I did. And I played along. And just like the other times I felt the power of the music between us, but this time I felt something else too. I didn't really think about it, since I don't really think about those things, but if I had I probably could have saved myself a lot of heartache and confusion. The sooner I realized I was falling for Sheik the softer the blow would have been later.

Anyway, once we stopped playing I started towards Sheik. I wanted to talk to him, to be near him, to know how he could wear all those clothes inside the crater without passing out from the heat. But before I could even take two steps a wall of fire sprang up in front of me, blocking me from Sheik. "Hey!"

"Link…I'll see you again."

And then he was gone.

"Damn him anyway," I muttered.

"That's right, damn him," Navi agreed wildly. "Damn everyone!" Her sudden enthusiasm for the damnation of the very people she was helping me save was obviously sarcasm, so I did what I usually did whenever Navi talked: I ignored her.

The wall of fire died away and I was allowed to progress. There didn't seem to be anything pressingly important about the Triforce pedestal, so I continued my explorations.

Across the cavern I could see a cave, so I crossed the stone bride and went into it, climbed down a very long ladder and found my self in the Fire Temple.

Keese were everywhere. Keese that were…on fire? Okay, very strange. I shot them down and went through the only open door in the room.

"Darunia!" The massive Goron was standing in front of an enormous threatening-looking door across the room from me. At the sound of my voice he turned and stared in surprise.

"Who's there? Is that you, Link...?" He peered at me. "Oh, it really is Link! Good to see you again, Brother! " He crossed the room in six mighty strides and clasped my hand firmly. Unfortunately, firmly for a Goron equals crushing for a skinny little Hylian like me. "You've grown so big since I last saw you!"

"Umm, good to see you too," I grinned awkwardly and tried to bring the feeling back into my hand. "Well, good considering the circumstances."

"Ah, yes," Darunia nodded grimly. "I want to have a man-to-man talk with you, but now's not the time, Ganondorf is causing trouble on Death Mountain again."

"Well, I'm here to do whatever I can to help," I shrugged.

"I knew I could count on you when it really mattered! This is why I am glad to call you Brother." Darunia smiled so warmly that I couldn't help but feel that he meant it. It was a nice feeling; I didn't have parents, but at least I had a brother.

"How bad is it?" I asked.

"Bad," Darunia shook his head, all business. "He has revived the evil, ancient dragon Volvagia. On top of that, he is going to feed my people to that evil dragon as a warning to other races that might resist him... If that fire-breathing dragon escapes from the mountain, all of Hyrule will become a burning wasteland! I will go on ahead to try to seal up the evil dragon," he gestured to the ominous door behind him. "I'm concerned, though, because I don't have the legendary hammer, but I have no choice..." Darunia was silent for a moment, looking disturbed.

"You're right," I said. "This is bad. But the bright side is: You're not alone. With both of us here, we can save your people no problem" I smiled up at him, hoping to bring back some of that enthusiasm.

"Thank you my brother!" Darunia clapped me on the shoulders and nearly drove me to my knees. "I had almost forgotten what a mighty hero you are. And now that you're nearly grown, you must be even stronger!"

I shrugged weakly. "Must be."

"Link, I'm asking you to do this as my Sworn Brother...While I'm trying to deal with the dragon, please save my people! The prisoners' cells are in the opposite direction." He gestured toward them.

"Of course I'll help! Just out of curiosity, where are the others?"

"Hiding," Darunia answered. "I rescued the majority of them since they were being held in groups, but the last eight are alone in their cages." He shook his head sadly. "There is nothing a Goron hates more than the loss of freedom."

"I think everyone hates that," I said, "but I'll do my best."

"I know it. I'm counting on you, Link!" Darunia clapped me on the shoulder one last time, then left me to my own devices.

Rubbing the parts of my body that were left aching from the encounter, I scanned the room that I was in.

Lava, fire, stone, Keese, and a trapped Goron all the way on the other side. This was going to be difficult.

One hour and six freed Gorons later, I was about ready to give up. I had faced Like Likes, Keese, flying floor tiles, lava, and waaaaaaaaay more fire then I would have liked, and now a scarecrow-looking thing had burst into flame and started dancing around and throwing fire at me. I was almost starting to hate fire as much as I do the undead.

But I beat the crap out of the little round guy that was the Flare Dancer underneath all that fire and hopped onto his platform and rode it up.

Then I had to climb a lot of wire fences, Hookshot some switches, and dodge some more fire…until I found myself in a fairly impressive room. It was huge, for one thing, and for another there was a huge staircase next to a thin staircase that went around most of the wall (there was just one wall, since the room was circular). But the thing that really caught my attention was all the way at the other end of the stairs: a chest, surrounded by fire.

Things I have learned in my life:

1. Stuff surrounded by fire is either a horrible enemy, or something the bad guys don't want me to have.

2. Stuff the bad guys don't want me to have is usually something I want very much.

3. Hormones suck

4. Boredom can't kill you, but you might wish it could.

Okay, so those last two don't have anything to do with the subject at hand, but they're things I've learned. Point is: I wanted to get to that chest. In order to do that I had to do some other things first.

Step One: Find out how. There was a switch below me which, when I stepped on it, turned off the flames. Unfortunately it only turned the flames off for a ridiculously short amount of time, and I couldn't get up there fast enough.

Step Two: Kill the Keese. Keese are mean and would make it rather difficult to get to the chest in time. With the bow I could do it but a lot of the Keese were far away and weren't coming close. So I walked up the thin stairs until one came towards me, and I shot it. I did that to all the Keese the moved on to…

Step Three: Speed drills. Run up the stairs, DON'T FALL DOWN, get to the chest _just_ after the fire springs back up. Damn. Do it again. Damn. One more time. Damn.

Step Four: Finally do it right and get this big honkin' hammer. Oh yes, this is cool, this appeals to everything male about me. A big honkin' hammer. Even the _name_ is masculine. The Megaton Hammer. Megaton, it really sounds like something you would use to smack something else. Or crush it. Whichever. The only downside of the Megaton Hammer was that it was so heavy I had to hold it with two hands and couldn't use my shield at the same time. No big deal though, shields are for sissies.

Me and my big honkin' hammer had a lot of fun in the rest of the Temple. Three more Gorons, another Like Like, more spinning tiles, and a rematch with the Flare Dancer later, I stood outside the scary door that Volvagia hid behind. I held in my hand a scary key that I was sure would unlock it. The key had been inside the last trapped Goron's cell. I'm not really sure why, but I've never been one to question the intelligence of leaving keys where I can find them. They've gotten me into plenty of important rooms, so I'm completely happy my enemies are dumb.

So me and my big honkin' yammer went to play Whack-A-Mole with a dragon.

For a Legendary Dragon, Volvagia was kind of weak. He didn't attack me directly a lot, and my good friend the Megaton Hammer really took it out of him. I think I gave him a fairly serious concussion before I killed him. And I did kill him. And it was oddly anti-climactic.

I walked into the room, leapt across to a big platform in the middle of the room, and Volvagia exploded out of a hole. After flying around and knocking down some rocks he went down into another hole…and that was pretty much all he did. I think Volvagia was just too old to be that dangerous. Or maybe he was too hungry for Goron to be that dangerous. Whatever.

As soon as Volvagia was decapitated I was surrounded by light and transported to the Chamber of the Sages. Where Darunia waited for me.

"Thank you, Brother!" Darunia grinned at me. "I really appreciate what you did. I thank you on behalf of the entire Goron race! You turned out to be a real man, just as I thought you would!"

"Darunia? What are…?"

"I, the wild Darunia, turned out to be the great Sage of Fire. Isn't that funny, Brother?"

"Really?" I blinked. "Oh wow, I can't believe this!"

"I know," Darunia grinned at me. "Well, this must be what they call destiny. Nothing has made me happier than helping you seal the evil here! Hey, Brother, take this! This is a Medallion that contains the power of the fire spirits, and my friendship."

The red Medallion floated across to me, where I caught it and absorbed its power. "Thanks Darunia. And…good luck to you." The light took me over again and filled my vision.

"Don't forget, you and I are now true brothers…"

I won't Darunia, I won't.

I was back in Death Mountain Crater, and very near that big rock that I couldn't blow up before. Since the Megaton Hammer had yet to fail me, I took it to the rock. Which crumbled satisfyingly.

Behind it was a long passage filled with cooler air, which was very nice after running around in the volcano for so long. I walked along down it, with no idea what I'd find at the end, until I entered a bright chamber with sparking walls, colored torches, and a still pool of water in a decorative fountain at the back.

My heart sank. I knew where I was, I knew what would happen, but I just didn't have the willpower to walk away.

I played Zelda's Lullaby in front of the fountain and braced myself as the almost sob-like mad laughter filled the chamber, then, with a scary serial-killer shriek of laughter, a vine-covered woman burst from the water and looked down at me.

The Great Fairy turned me on. Not just a little, oh no, I wasn't able to focus on anything but her nearly-nude body for the entire duration of my stay. Did it matter that her laugh scared the hell out of me? No. Did it matter that her excessive pink makeup and wild pink hair would have turned me off if I was just a tiny bit sane? No. She still turned me on like no other (real) woman had, and I hated myself for it.

As soon as she was gone (I had no idea what she'd said), I fell to my knees and started banging my head on the edge of the fountain.

"Link," Navi bobbed over me, sounding concerned. "You're going to damage what little brains you have." Or maybe not so concerned. "Why are you doing that?"

"I'm working myself toward trauma-induced amnesia."

"What! Stop it Link, stop it!" She bobbed up in front of my head to stop me from banging it.

"I want to forget this, is that so bad?"

"Well…no, considering. But then you won't remember that your magic is stronger."

"My what?" I blinked wearily.

"Your magic is stronger, you can use it more without running out."

"Okay, cool." I stood up and held on to my forehead. "Ow."

"Come on, let's go!" Navi bobbed off down the passage.

"Where are we going?" I asked, following her numbly.

"Zora's Domain. If this is what happened to the Gorons, I wonder what's happened to them!"

I would go and see the Zoras. I would! But I had other things to do first. Like climb to the top of Death Mountain the hard way and visit _that_ Great Fairy. Not because I really wanted to see her (brr), but because the Great Fairies tend to give me great stuff. Really! That's why!

Anyway, I went up there, and the Great Fairy did nothing but heal me and turn me on (brr), but outside her cavern…

"HELLO DOWN THERRRRE," the enormous Goron said.

"Wow you're huge," I blinked up at him.

"DID YOU SEE THAT ERUPTIONNN?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Um, no. I-"

"WHAT?"

"Oh. _I wasn't really in a good place to watch an eruption!_"

"I SAW THE WHOLE THINNNG. THE ASH FROM IT REALLY DID A NUMBER ON MY EYYYYES."

"_That's too bad_! _I'm sorry_!"

"IT WILL INTERFERE WITH MY WORRRK, I'M A SWORDSMITH."

"You are?"

"WHAT?"

"_You are_!"

"YES. MY NAME IS BIGGORON AND I'M THE BEST SWORDSMITH AROUND. I'M NOT BRRAGGING, IT'S THE TRUTH. I'M EVEN BETTER THAN MY BRROTHERRR MEDAGORON."

"_Hey, I've met him!_ _He said he was making a sword that will be incredible!_"

"I'LL BET YOU ANYTHING THAT HIS SWORD WILL LOSE ITS EDGE OR BREAK AFTER ONLY A FEW DAYS."

"_If you say so!_" It was starting to get a little hard to keep shouting up at him. "_Listen, I've got to go!_ _It was nice talking to you_!"

"I HOPE I DON'T SEEM TOO CHATTYYY. I DON'T GET A LOT OF VISITORRRS."

"_Nah, it's cool!_ _See ya_!" I waved goodbye, hoping he could see it, then headed off down the mountain.

"Are you going to go to Zora's Domain _now_?"

"I'm sure they're fine Navi," I said. _Please let them be fine_, I prayed silently.

"They are _not_ fine!"

"You ever think you might be wrong, just for once?"

"No."


	8. Ice

8. Ice

Navi was right, as usual. Zora's Domain was in trouble. Or, more specifically, frozen. Which had to suck for the primarily aquatic Zoras.

"See!" Navi exclaimed. "I was right! I told you they were not fine!"

"You're always right," I grumbled. "Always."

"Then you should listen to me more."

I ignored her and looked around at the Domain. "This is awful…" I murmured. I climbed down the ladder to the ice and walked around on it. Even the waterfall was frozen solid, _and_ it was completely freezing in there. "What do you think happened to the Zoras?"

"Nothing good." Even Navi was subdued now. It was harder not knowing where the Zoras were or if they were okay than it had been knowing that the Gorons were trapped in the Fire Temple.

"The King!" All of a sudden I remembered him. No matter where the other Zoras were, it was unlikely that the king could either a) get up to go with them, or b) be carried away. That guy was frickin' _huge_.

I made a mad dash across the frozen fountain, slipping and falling flat on my face only twice, and up to the throne room. Where I stopped and stared.

The king was encased in an enormous chunk of red ice, like a crystal.

"Ewww!" Navi exclaimed. "Is that frozen _blood_!"

"No," I said, grateful to at least be able to rule that out. "Blood freezes differently than water."

"How do you know that?"

I decided not to answer. "There is something very very wrong with all of this."

"Well, _duh_. Are you only just now coming to that conclusion?"

"Navi…"

"It's sort of obvious you know. What with the ice, the missing Zoras, the king trapped in a big chunk of red ice-"

"Okay! I get it!"

"Speaking of that red ice…" Navi flew on ahead of me to examine it. Being ground based, I had to go around the side path to get up to the king, and once I got there I didn't really see anything strange. Except for the obvious.

"What?" I asked. "What is it?"

"This ice isn't natural," Navi was in her serious-mode again. "None of it. The red ice is a spell I'm fairly familiar with, but the normal-looking ice is just…strange."

"Strange how?"

"It seems like normal ice, it's nothing but frozen water, but I don't think you can melt it. Or break it."

"But how am I supposed to help if I can't break the ice!"

"I'm sure there's a way," Navi reassured me. "These kinds of spell are usually linked to something. Like…the ice won't melt until the one who froze it is dead."

"Fan-_freaking_-tastic," I muttered. "And I suppose we both know who froze it."

"Well, who else could it be?"

I flexed my fingers, imagining them around Ganondorf's throat. "At least this saves me time. I can save the Zoras and the rest of Hyrule in one fell swoop."

"I think it's going to take more than a fell swoop to defeat someone who could freeze this much running water."

"Two fell swoops then."

Navi laughed, bobbing around and rolling through the air as she did so, somehow ending up facing the passageway back to Zora's Fountain. "Hey, look!"

I came over and did. "What?"

"Look!" She raced off down the passage and all I could do was follow.

It took me a few seconds to realize what was missing from the Fountain. At first I was too distracted by the freezing wind and the huge ice floes floating around. Then it hit me. "Hey," I said, looking around, "where'd that huge fish go?"

"Died probably," Navi said coolly.

"Oh no!"

"My guess is, Ganon had him for dinner some night."

"That bastard!"

"Agreed. Now let's go over there."

I peered in the direction she was bobbing. "What's that, a cave?"

"I think so. And it's the source of the cold wind that is blowing through this place."

Without another word I set off towards the cave. Luckily the ice floes didn't move too much, and even though my weight tended to unbalance them a little and I sent a few of the spinning when I jumped over to them, I still managed to make it over to the cave without having to take a swim in that freezing cold water.

The cave, like the rest of the Zoras' home, was encased in ice, but this place seemed like it was supposed to be. There were icicles hanging from the ceiling, though maybe calling them ice stalactites would be more appropriate, since there were ice stalagmites coming up from the floor at the end of the tunnel I was in. The stalactites had an annoying habit of coming loose and falling as I walked under them, but if I walked fast I could avoid them. Both stalactites and stalagmites seemed to be just ordinary un-magic ice; the stalactites shattered when they hit the ground, and the stalagmites shattered when I hit them with my sword.

Beyond the stalagmites I found a chamber with a blade trap and what I originally thought were ice sculptures, but turned out to be Freezards and very annoying. I destroyed all of them and went through the door that opened.

The Ice Cavern (I found out it was called that later) was full of puzzles, traps, Ice Keese, Freezards, and cold. The cold I didn't really mind, not after the Fire Temple, but the other stuff was very annoying. I probably would have given up on the place, were it not for the blue fire.

The first source of it was in the third chamber, in a cool goblet-like thing. It was on this ice walkway that was very hard to walk on, but finding the blue fire was worth it.

"You said you had seen that red ice spell before, right?" I said to Navi.

"I've seen things like it," she said. "Usually they can be destroyed or undone by the opposite of themselves."

"And what might _possibly_ be the opposite of red ice?" I asked sarcastically.

"This fire is totally magic," Navi said, understanding me. "I'll bet you could put some of it in a bottle."

"Check and check." I scooped up some fire in one of my bottles and ran as fast as was safe back through the cave, across the ice floes, and back to the frozen king.

The king shook himself all over and rubbed his arms in an effort to warm up. "Oh...I've come back to life!" he asked. Then he turned and saw me. "Was it you who saved me?"

"Yes," I said, "but the rest of your people…Well, I don't know where they are."

"Trapped under the ice." The king shook his head. "If only there was something I could do, but I have been sitting here for far too long." Then he looked at me. "You, who are you? Aren't you that kid who saved my daughter?"

"Yes, I'm Link."

"And you saved me too!"

"I'm trying to save _everyone_."

"Then take this," from inside his robes he removed a bundle of blue cloth. "The Zora's Tunic, It was once used by Hylian divers searching for treasure. It will allow you to breathe underwater."

"Really?" I accepted the blue cloth and held it up. It was a tunic, of the same type as the Goron's Tunic I had gotten from Little Link, only blue. "Well, thank you very much." I bowed but didn't say anything else, since I didn't know how to properly address a Zora King.

So I went back to the Ice Cavern, having learned its name from the Zora shopkeeper who tried to sell me some blue fire, and made my way back through the chambers I'd already seen.

Beyond them were more puzzles, more traps, more Ice Keese, more Freezards, and a lot more cold. The last, and most aggravating, puzzle involved a block, an icy floor, and silver rupees. I had to somehow maneuver that block around the room to the places where the silver rupees waited, but the floor had no traction and the block just kept sliding until it ran into something. Or off of something.

But finally I got all the rupees and the door unlocked and I managed to get the block over to it and through the tunnel behind it.

And on the other side of a blockade of red ice and another door, a White Wolfos attacked.

A White Wolfos is not that different from a regular Wolfos. The only real difference is that they're white. But Wolfos are annoyingly good at dodging and blocking sword attacks, and if you don't time it right the Wolfos can kill you just as easily as you could have killed him.

I won.

A chest appeared in the middle of the room, as they often do, and I opened it to find a pair of big metal boots. "What are these things?" I wondered aloud, taking them out.

Navi made the motion that was her way of shrugging. "Iron boots?"

"I guess." I shoved the heavy iron boots into my pack and stood up.

Sheik was standing between me and the door.

"Dammit Sheik!" I exclaimed, embarrassed about being startled. "Why do you keep doing that!"

Sheik grinned at me and ignored the question. "If you came here to meet the Zoras, you wasted your time," he said. "This is all there is... With one exception, the Zoras are now sealed under this thick ice sheet. I managed to rescue the Zora princess from under the ice, but...she left to head for the Water Temple. This ice is created by an evil curse. The monster in the Water Temple is the source. Unless you shut off the source, this ice will never melt. If you have courage enough to confront the danger and save the Zoras, I will teach you the melody that leads to the temple." He pulled out his harp and spoke solemnly. "Time passes, people move… Like a river's flow, it never ends… A childish mind will turn to noble ambition… Young love will become deep affection… The clear water's surface reflects growth… Now listen to the Serenade of Water to reflect upon yourself."

The song was very nice, soothing and melodic. I played it with him and felt the magic rise up, but something about what he'd said haunted me. I couldn't even remember exactly what it was, but there was something that just seemed…off about it. Very strange.

When we stopped playing I started toward Sheik. "Hey, what was that stuff you were saying before the song? Something about…a childish mind and deep affection?"

Sheik shook his head, blushing a little under his tan, and stepped back. "Link…I'll see you again."

Then he pulled one of his you-didn't-see-me exits and I was trapped in that room. Alone with Navi.

"Well…?" she said.

"Well, what?" I didn't move.

"Aren't you going to play the song?"

"Maybe later."

"Link!"

I grinned mentally. "I just don't feel like it right now," I said, trying to sound aloof.

"You are so annoying!" Navi was near-raging now. "You're just like that weirdo Sheik, you're doing these things just to get under my wings!"

That was true, but I wondered about the comparison to Sheik. "Do you really think he's doing it just to annoy me?"

"Either that or he doesn't want you to get too close to him." Navi shrugged. "It's like I said, he's a weirdo."

"Yeah…maybe." I decided I didn't want to think about Sheik anymore, worrying about Zelda and fantasizing about dream girls was keeping my mind busy enough, and played the Serenade of Water.


	9. Ruto

9. Ruto

It was already evening, I noticed as I materialized at Lake Hyrule, and who knew how long it would take to awaken the sage and defeat whatever monster had been sent to guard the Temple. But sleep wasn't really an option for me at the moment. Too much adrenaline and testosterone were pumping through my system to make it even close to possible.

But I didn't know where the Temple of Water was, much less how to get into it. Well, at least it would be easier to search the lake with the Zora Tunic.

Oh wait, the lake is dry, guess I don't need it.

Wait, what?

"Oh my god! The lake is dry!"

"You're only just now noticing that?"

"Dry, all of it!"

"Not all of it, there's water blocking the entrance to the Water Temple."

"How can the lake be dry!"

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

"Do you think it's because of the ice?"

"Yes…"

"I can't believe the lake is dry!"

"I'm going over here now…"

"Look at this! Look how dry the soil is! The lake must have been dry for ages!"

"Wow you're dumb sometimes."

"What?"

"That got your attention!" Navi crowed.

"Navi the-"

"Yes, I know, the lake is dry."

"That's not what I was going to say," I denied quickly.

"Shut up Link."

For no reason other than that I had no idea what to say and was fairly certain I'd been babbling, I shut up.

"You are mildly hysterical."

I opened my mouth to protest.

"Shush."

I closed my mouth.

"Take several deep breaths."

I did.

"Now put on that Zora's Tunic and let's go swimming."

Ten minutes later we were inside the Water Temple. Apparently a Zora in the lake when I was a kid had told me where the Temple was, I hadn't remembered but Navi had. Navi always listens to everyone. So she led me to the entrance, I unblocked the door, and we went inside.

Even before entering it had been obvious why the iron boots were important. They were heavy, and would keep my feet firmly on the ground while walking underwater. Very useful.

As I got to the biggest room in the Water Temple, I noticed that the entrance seemed to be on the top floor, and the rest of the temple was full of water.

"This is…different," I muttered. The top floor, where I was, had nothing but locked doors. I'm fairly adept at picking locks, but I wanted to explore the places that I had easy access too before breaking into the places I didn't.

So I sank to the very bottom of the three-story-high room and found an unlocked passage on the eastern side. I went down the hallway and entered a room to find…

"Gack!" _Ruto?_ Luckily I only thought her name, didn't say it out loud, because if she had known I was reacting to her presence, not simply the surprise of finding someone there, she probably would have beaten the crap out of me. And I would have let her. Because I can't beat up someone who has helped me.

Ruto flapped her fins at me and shifted her hips in a sultry way. Despite the fins, scales, and horrible squid head, Ruto was hot. It was very disturbing, but what she said to me somehow made it all worse.

"Oh...you... If I'm right...Link!" she leaned closer. "You're Link, aren't you? It's me, your fiancée, Ruto! Princess of the Zoras!"

I very nearly drowned then, despite the Zora Tunic. At the word "fiancée" I inhaled sharply and tried to say about nineteen expletives all at the same time, effectively choking me.

"I never forgot the vows we made to each other seven years ago!"

I was far too shocked to say anything.

"You're a terrible man to have kept me waiting for these seven long years... But now is not the time to talk about love... I'm sure you've already seen it! Zora's Domain--totally frozen! A young man named Sheik saved me from under the ice... I notice you were conveniently absent."

I made a strangled sound.

"But my father and the other Zoras have not...yet..." She shook her head. "I want to save them all! I want to save Zora's Domain! You! You have to help me! This is a request from me, the woman who is going to be your wife! Link, you have to help me destroy the evil monster in the Temple, Okay?"

I wanted to say that I was going to do that anyway, but I also wanted to say things like, "Are you fscking crazy!" and, "What the hell made you think I was your _fiancé_!" so I didn't say anything.

"Inside the Water Temple, there are three places where you can change the water level. I'll lead the way. Follow me, quickly!" She did a little hop up off the floor and swam straight up, making me notice for the first time that the room we were in had no ceiling.

I did not follow Ruto. I never really had any intention of following Ruto. I didn't particularly care what happened to Ruto, I just would never beat her up.

I did, however, desperately want to convince her that I would not, would never, _ever_, EVER, even _consider_ marrying her. Ever. The very idea of it was dizzying.

Oh wait, I had stopped breathing, _that's_ why I was dizzy.

I started breathing again and turned to Navi. "Please tell me that didn't just happen."

Navi sniggered. "You could be king of the Zoras…"

"Oh! God no!"

"You'd better follow her."

"Are you kidding! No way!"

"She probably has information you don't, you might as well go with her for now."

"But-"

"You don't have to marry her, just work with her."

"Fine," I walked out to the middle of the room, "but I will _not_ be king of the Zoras."

Navi sniggered.

Luckily (from my point of view) Ruto was nowhere to be seen when I emerged from the water at the top of the room. Instead I was faced with a triforce symbol on the wall, and a rather obvious action. See the triforce symbol, play the Melody of the Royal Family, that is the rule.

So I did, and all the water drained out of the Temple. Odd, to say the least.

There wasn't really anything too difficult in Temple. Sure the clams were annoying, and those spiky metal ball things were too, and changing the water level all the time got boring _real_ fast, but it wasn't that hard.

At least, not until the waterfall. And the Like Like. And then…

The room seemed to go on forever. The shallow water that covered the floor reflected everything like a mirror, and the walls were either non-existent, or obscured by white fog, making it impossible to see them.

But there was a door in the non-existent far wall, beyond a small island with a tree on it, and I headed for it.

My reflection in the glassy water was disturbingly clear. The feeling of walking on a mirror was disorienting, and the way the ceiling, like the walls, seemed to go on into eternity, made it look like I was walking over a bottomless expanse of air. Very creepy.

I turned my gaze away from the ground and went straight for the door, crossing the small island in the process. But when I got to the door it was locked, and I couldn't find a way to open it from the inside.

I turned away from that door and started to head for the one I'd come in, but as I turned my eyes drifted down and I noticed that the illusion of walking on an empty expanse was even worse.

My reflection was gone.

Oh wait, there it was, standing on that little island and waiting for me to come back for it. I drew my sword.

Dark Link, as Navi named him, was armed only with a sword and shield, for which I was supremely grateful. Since, as my reflection, he mimicked my every move, it was incredibly hard to land a blow. I tried a thrust, which I doubted he'd be able to block, but he jumped up on top of my sword and tried to take my head off!

That shadowy bastard seriously tried to kill me, which meant it would be perfectly all right for me to try and kill him.

Since he only seemed to have the sword I figured my big honkin' hammer could take him down fairly well. When I smacked the ground with the Megaton Hammer Dark Link seemed to…fall off the ground and down into the endless expanse beneath us. It was very creepy, but at least he was gone. Until he appeared behind me.

Except for that the Megaton Hammer worked fairly well, but it was still unbelievably creepy fighting myself. It wasn't like looking in a mirror, for starters Dark Link was…well, dark. For another, he was real. Not like a mirror image, like a real person who just happened to look exactly like me. It was creepy.

Finally, I wore him down. He was slow, slower than me, and that gap in speed gave me just enough time to run him through with the Master Sword and watch him dissolve into shadow.

As Dark Link dissolved into shadow the rest of the room, the invisible walls, the mirror-water, the tiny island, dissolved into normalcy.

"That was creepy," I said.

"Yes," Navi agreed.

The door was unlocked now, and in the next room I found something very cool. The Longshot. It was cool both because it was a longer more powerful version of the Hookshot, and because I didn't have to deal with a ghost to get it. I hate ghosts. But you knew that already.

Geysers, swift currents, tektites, boulders, a return to the waterfall room, and what I can only describe as a sadistic room of death plagued my steps through the rest of the Temple. The Longshot helped a very great deal, especially in the waterfall room, what with the moving platforms and all.

The north door on the top floor led to a room with a steep slope full of blade traps that led to a Big Scary Door. The type that enormous monsters usually hide behind. After much trouble and much shin-slashing (damn blade traps) I made it to the top and entered the door.

There was nothing in the room but a few platforms and a deep layer of water on the floor. I hopped across to a platform and looked around. I couldn't say why exactly, but I felt edgy.

"You ever get the feeling you're being watched?" I mused aloud. Then I spotted something moving in the water. "By a fish?"

"That's not a fish…"

The "fish" rose up above the water level then, taking the water with it. Navi was right, as usual. Whatever that thing was, it was not a fish.

"Morpha," Navi bob-nodded. "I thought so. It's an aquatic ameoba, Link, the nucleus is the weak point."

A watery tendril was reaching for me and making me rather nervous. "The what?" I asked hurriedly.

"The nucleus. The fish-thing! Link!"

Morpha had grabbed me in a clear, but very solid, tentacle and was shaking me about. It wasn't pleasant.

I struggled to get free, or at least swing my sword, but my arms were pinned firmly to my sides, and stayed that way until the ameoba released me. Against the spikes on the walls.

I decided not to get grabbed again.

The Longshot, predictably, was indispensable for fighting the main monster of the Temple. It was the only thing that could reach Morpha's nucleus, dragging it out of the ameoba-body and in range of my sword. Cool.

Finally Morpha dried up, and I entered the Chamber of the Sages…

"Link!"

"Waugh!"

"I would have expected no less from the man I chose to be my husband. Zora's Domain and its people will eventually return to their original state."

"Ruto?" She was standing in front of me, on the blue pedestal, smiling away. Oh hell, she was the Sage of Water.

"As a reward...I grant my eternal love to you."

I choked again.

"Well, that's what I want to say, but I don't think I can offer that now. I have to guard the Water Temple as the Sage of Water... That's right, I'm the Sage of Water!"

I'd just figured that out on my own, but I didn't say anything. I should have figured it out sooner. Should have, but didn't.

"Link, I'm so happy to see you, I was afraid you would get lost. But after I awakened as a sage I just _had_ to go to the chamber, you know how it is, and I couldn't show you around."

I said nothing, because there was nothing to say. I was waiting for her to give me the Water Medallion, the sooner I got that the sooner I could get back to saving Zelda. That was the point after all.

Ruto looked at me strangely. "What's wrong?"

I didn't know how to answer.

She frowned. "You...You're searching for the princess, Zelda?"

I was about to agree, but she didn't stop to let me answer.

"Hah! You can't hide anything from me!"

I wasn't trying to hide it, but…

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, it wouldn't have been practical anyway."

I decided then that I was just going to give up on trying to understand Ruto. I had also realized that I hadn't said any real words to her except for her name just now.

"Princess Zelda... She's alive. I can sense it...so don't be discouraged."

That helped.

"I can tell that nothing will stop you in your quest for justice and peace... You must take this Medallion... Take it respectfully!" she raised her hands and passed the Water Medallion across to me. I felt the power spread through me, then before I could thank Ruto, the light took over my sight and I left the Chamber of the Sages with Ruto's last words echoing in my ears.

"If you see Sheik, please give him my thanks, OK?"

I landed on the island that was above the Water Temple, with a good view of the lightening sky and the rapidly-filling lake.

"As the water rises, the evil is vanishing from the lake... Link, you did it!" a familiar voice said from behind me.

I turned around, smiling. "Didn't feel like scaring me that time?"

"I just came to congratulate you," Sheik smiled back. He was keeping his distance, but looked happy to see me. "I...believe that you are going to save this world..."

"You're the one who deserves congratulations Sheik, I think my fiancée is into you."

"_Into_ me! Wait, what was that?"

I grinned in a way that I hoped was infuriating.

"You have a _fiancée?_"

I laughed. "Oh man, you should see your face!"

"_You have a fiancée?_"

"No. Well, not one that I knew about."

"_You have a fiancée!_"

"You okay Sheik?" He was taking this a lot harder than I would have expected.

"Umm…" Sheik shook his head as though to clear it. "Yeah fine, sure. _YOU HAVE A FIANCÉE?_"

"Calm down, geez." I sighed. "I do not have a fiancée. I _never_ had a fiancée. Princess Ruto had a thing for me and seemed to think we were engaged. I think she's over her delusions though, because she told me to give you her thanks."

"Oh hell." Sheik sat down on the ground, rather abruptly. "I remember Ruto from when I saved her. She's a bit…" He trailed off.

"Yeah," I agreed.

Sheik stood up again and looked at me. He cocked his head. "So… how far did you get?"

"Sheik!" I could feel my cheeks flaming. "Are you kidding! I didn't- I wouldn't- I don't even like her!"

Sheik was laughing. "I got the upper hand again!" he crowed.

I muttered angrily. "She likes _you_ now, remember?"

"Yeah, but I've got a legitimate reason for dumping her."

"Really? What?"

He smiled mysteriously. "Maybe I'll tell you someday."

"Dammit Sheik!"

"I love making you say that," Sheik grinned.

"You…"

Sheik's eyes were then drawn to something over my left shoulder. His gorgeous red eyes widened. "Woah."

I turned and looked. The sun was just rising over the mountains in the east and was reflecting off the water in the now-full lake in an incredibly beautiful way. "Woah," I agreed.

"Look at that, Link..." Sheik said softly. "Together, you and Princess Ruto destroyed the evil monster! Once again, the lake is filled with pure water. All is as it was here."

I stared at the water for several minutes before I turned back to Sheik.

He was gone.

There was a splash and I turned just in time to see Sheik's feet disappearing under the water.

"Dammit Shiek," I muttered.


	10. Evil Well

10. Evil Well

I needed rather desperately to catch up on my sleep, but something about the rising sun and the lake full of water had struck a chord in my memory.

_When water fills the lake, shoot for the rising sun..._

I looked over at the stone slab with those words carved on it. Beyond it, the sun was rising, poised perfectly between two pillars on an island in the distance.

Slowly, almost dreamily, I drew my bow and walked over to the stone slab. I stood right in front of it and notched an arrow, drew, and shot for the rising sun.

The arrow zoomed forward with a speed and height unlike anything I'd ever been able to do before. It seemed to actually pierce the sun, causing a drop of blood to fall from it and down onto the island with the pillars.

"Wow Link!" Navi exclaimed, snapping me out of my stupor. "What was that?"

I looked at the red object on the distant island. "Let's go see."

I dove into the water at about the same place Sheik had and swam for the island. The water was cool and refreshing, but I was at that stage in tiredness where everything seems floaty and very far away. I was still wearing the Zora Tunic, I had no intention of changing it, and I didn't bother to come up above the surface of the water until I got to the island.

There was an arrow laying on the island. Just an ordinary arrow, except that the head was encased in what looked like crystallized fire.

"Ooh…" Navi said.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Fire arrows."

I looked down at the frozen fire arrow. "Couldn't I just buy those arrows that you set fire to?"

"This is magic. It's better."

I nodded slowly. Everything was starting to fade.

"Aren't you excited?"

I responded by toppling to the ground and falling asleep.

I was sitting on the ground in a room full of people, all of them talking noisily, laughing, shouting, screaming, crying. The volume rose steadily, pounding in my skull, until I couldn't take it anymore.

"I can't hear myself think!" I screamed.

"Who needs to think?"

I turned and saw Sheik sitting beside me, smiling. He leaned over, put his hands on my shoulders, and gently pushed me to the ground, smiling all the while. Then he looked down at me, fixing me with his gorgeous ruby eyes, and leaned down…

And then he wasn't Sheik anymore. He was that angelic-yet-sexy blonde from my dreams, who I realized for the first time was Zelda.

Zelda straddled me on her knees, smiling in the same mysterious way Sheik had been. All the noisy people were gone, there was nothing but me and Zelda.

I don't think I need to go into what happened next.

I woke up with a start some time later, sat up, and groaned.

"You okay Link?" Navi hovered over me worriedly.

"Yeah, fine, whatever." Then I shook my head. "No, not fine, not whatever." I got to my feet and picked my hat up off the ground. "I can't take it anymore. I just can't."

"What are you saying Link! You're not going to just give up on the quest are you!"

"Huh? No, that's not what I meant." I looked in the direction of Hyrule castle. "I'm not giving up, I'll never give up, but I need a break from these raging hormones."

"So then…what are you saying?"

"I'm going back, Navi." I jammed my hat on my head and hefted my pack onto my shoulders. "Back to where I belong."

zzz

Gone. Finally, finally, the thoughts were gone. No more fantasizing about every woman I saw. No more being turned on by anything even slightly curvaceous. No more sick daydreams and desires. I was ten years old, and I was happier than I'd been in months.

Outside the Temple of Time I stretched and grinned. "Feel that Navi?" I asked, arms spread to the sun. "That's the feeling of the world not sucking."

"It's great that you're happy and all…" Navi bobbed around in front of my face, "but have you forgotten what we're doing here!"

"Course not," I started down the steps and into town, "I just have some things to do here."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

I grinned again. "Like go bowling, chase chickens, and drive that crazy windmill guy crazy."

Navi shook her head. "You're the crazy one."

"You can't blame me, I'm just a kid."

"Didn't you grow up at _all_ after what's happened?"

Zelda flashed in my mind and I stopped. She'd gone through a lot more than I had. I closed my eyes. "Yeah, I guess I've grown up some. But…I don't know. I just can't seem to stay serious." I grinned again and kept walking.

Navi didn't give up, but I wasn't listening.

zzz

Kakariko Village. Hard to believe that in just seven short years its population would double, that it would become the home of refugees.

I said hi to the cucco lady, to the cursed family, to the boss carpenter and his wife. I'm sure they were all confused by my enthusiasm, but I didn't really care. I was just so glad to see the world thriving.

I popped into the windmill, just for kicks, and saw the crazy windmill guy cranking away on his accordion thingie.

"Hey Windmill Guy!" I greeted him.

"Hey kid," he returned. "What are you up to?"

"Just hanging around. How's your windmill song coming?"

"Still working on it. I just can't seem to capture the spinning melody."

I got an idea then. A very bad idea that confused me to no end, but I had to do it. I'd already done it after all. I was "that brat."

"I know a good song," I said. I took out the Ocarina and played the Song of Storms. The same song I would learn from the windmill guy seven years in the future.

But…if I taught it to him now, and he taught it to me in the future…who wrote it?

Wow, makes my brain hurt.

The song made the windmill spin faster, a lot faster, out of control really, and it drove the windmill guy insane. "Wait! That's not right! It's spinning way too fast!"

I got out of there as fast as I could.

And I noticed something. Something strange. First of all, it wasn't raining, but for some reason the well was empty. I was sure it hadn't been empty before, it had been full of water, but now it was completely dry.

"What is going on…?" I wondered aloud. I went up to the well and peered inside. There were rungs all the way down one side, so I hopped inside and started to climb.

"Link… This place is…" Navi ducked back inside my hat, obviously frightened.

The bottom of the well was still damp, and I found a small hole in one wall that I could crawl through.

Once through I was surprised to see a stone hallway, dripping a little, with walkways on either side and a shallow gutter full of water running through the middle.

"I can hear the spirits whispering in this room," Navi whispered harshly. "'Look for the eye of truth,' that is what they are saying."

"Spirits?" I repeated. "There are spirits?"

"Tons of 'em. This place is just…"

"Have I ever told you that I hate any and all forms of the undead?"

"Uh…"

"I do. I really do."

"Well you're going to have to deal with it," Navi said firmly. "This is one of the most evil places I've ever been in and it is _full_ of spirits."

I shuddered, but kept going. Until I came to a dead end.

"Great, nothing's here. Let's go." I turned and tried to leave but Navi stopped me.

"There's got to be more to it than this," she said. "I can hear voices beyond the wall, there _must_ be a way to get through."

"It's a wall Navi, you can't just walk through walls." I went over and put my hand on the wall to demonstrate, but lost my balance when it went right through.

"Woah!"

"It's not a real wall!" Navi exclaimed. "It's an illusion!"

"Oh yay," I muttered.

Navi led the way through the wall and into the water-filled passageway. I turned left, got run over by an enormous flying skull that I can only assume was called a green bubble, and found a stone demon at the end of the hall, spouting out water. It had the triforce symbol on the ground in front of it, and since Triforce symbol play Zelda's Lullaby, I did. The demon stopped spouting and the rest of the water in the well drained away.

I started down the hall in another direction, when suddenly I was falling! The floor had looked completely solid, but when I took a step in front of a freaky demon statue, there wasn't anything under my feet and I was falling.

I landed in a cave-like room full of ReDeads, silver rupees, and a pond of evil-looking green liquid.

Have I mentioned that I hate ReDeads?

Quickly, I played the Sun's Song and froze the rotting freaks. I grabbed all the silver rupees as fast as I could and went trough the door at the top of the ladder.

After that I made my way through the well veeeeerry carefully, testing each step before I took it, trailing my fingers along the walls to see if they were real. It worked pretty well, and when I found my way back to the beginning of the well I found a small tunnel that had been under water before. I crawled through, fought a Skulltula, and went into the room.

I was immediately grabbed by a pale claw-like hand attached to an unnaturally long skeletal arm and laughed at by some kind of creepy, pale, zombie-ish monstrosity.

"Crap! Dead Hand!" Navi exclaimed.

I mentally added Dead Hands to my list of undead creatures that I hate, then did a spin attack and broke away from the hand. The zombie-like "head" had been walking slowly toward me while I was caught, so I ran up an attacked the thing, all while trying to avoid the forest of other hands.

The head burrowed back under ground to get away from me, and there was nothing I could do except get grabbed again and lure him out. Then I kept him above ground by attacking furiously until he, uh, died?

Either way the Dead Hand was gone, and when he disappeared a chest appeared where he had been. Naturally, I opened it.

"A magnifying glass?" That's what it looked like anyway. A weird, purple, magnifying glass. That didn't magnify.

"The Lens of Truth!" Navi exclaimed.

"Huh?"

"It's the eye of truth that the spirits and that old guy from Kakariko were talking about! It's magic, can't you feel it?"

I put it to my eye and looked around the room, and, to my surprise, found something. There was a second chest behind the first one, one that contained a whopping 200 rupees! Yes! The Lens of Truth almost made it worth putting up with spirits, ReDeads and that Dead Hand. Almost.

I was all for leaving right then, but Navi would have none of it. The spirits were still talking, and she wanted to find out exactly why.

"This seems like just a well, but there is something very evil in here."

"But I hate this place…" I was whining and I didn't care.

Navi did care, so we returned to the main tunnel and I used the Lens of Truth to find a couple of keys and a compass. Great and all, but I just wanted to leave. A little further down the tunnel I find a big room. And here I stopped.

The big room held several cells, like prison cells, and in the middle of the room was something I had been praying not to find. A torture device.

It was a big wooden X with manacles on the upper crosses for holding a person captive. They were too high to let the person stand normally, so it was obvious that the tortured person would be suspended above the ground.

Not good. Not good not good not good notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood.

The rest of the well was an uncomfortable blur. I found some Gold Skulltulas, which was good, and some coffins, which was not. The Lens was essential, since about 50 of the well was fake, but even when I was seeing the truth I couldn't get the image of that torture device out of my mind. Why was there a torture device in this well? Was the guy who'd lived in the house above here a psychopathic freak? And why me? Why did I need to see all of this?

After snagging one last Skulltula I was finally free. Woo hoo! Done! Time to get outta this little hell hole.


	11. Shadow and Sheik

11. Shadow and Sheik

The evil frickin' well had scared me so much that I played the Prelude of Light as soon as I got out of it and yanked the Master Sword out of the Pedestal. I was actually glad to have my fantasy-Zelda pop into my head the moment the light cleared and I was back in the future.

I sighed with relief.

"I thought you liked being a kid," Navi said.

"I do, I was just…" I trailed off.

"Scared?"

"Maybe."

"So ten-year-olds can be scared, but seventeen-year-olds can't?"

"And I thought you didn't understand Hylians," I grinned.

"Come on," Navi led the way to the door, sounding exasperated. "Let's go find Epona."

I played the Serenade of Water to avoid passing through the ReDeads, then crossed into Hyrule Field before calling Epona with her song. "Where to?" I asked Navi.

"Uhh…"

"Ha!" I exclaimed triumphantly. "For once, you don't know either."

"Shut up or I'll tell Sheik you've got dandruff," she muttered angrily.

"I don't have dandruff!"

"No, but you've got earrings and a ponytail under your hat."

"So?" I tugged at one of the earrings. "I think they're cool."

"Yeah, for girls."

I bristled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I think Sheik doesn't want you close to him for a reason."

"I am not like that!"

"I know." Instantly, Navi's anger was gone. "Just messin' with ya. Come on," she ducked into my hat, "let's go visit the Gerudos."

Navi had a point, about the Gerudos, not about my sexual orientation. Although Sheik _was_ pretty…well, pretty. But I didn't like him like that, I didn't!

Right, back to the Gerudos. The thing is, despite his being their king, I'd never really associated Ganondorf with the Gerudos. True, I'd only met one Gerudo in my entire life, but she didn't seem evil. She was just guarding their fortress, nothing bad about that. And though the rest of them were rumored to be thieves…I don't know. I just couldn't associate the two.

So to me the Gerudos were just another race, who had probably been screwed over by Ganon.

And my hypothesis seemed to correct, 'cause when we got to the Gerudo Valley the bridge was broken and there wasn't a Gerudo in sight.

"Woah," I said.

"That the best you can come up with?" Navi asked dryly. She bobbed out of my hat and looked at the bridge. "Woah."

"Come on Epona," I kicked her into gear. "Hah!"

We charged the broken bridge at top speed, and Epona made a flying leap across the broken spot, landing us safely on the other side.

"That. Was. _So_ cool!" I punched the air joyfully. "Epona, you rock!" Then I noticed a person standing nearby. Someone I honestly hadn't expected.

It was the boss carpenter, standing near a large tent and looking imperious.

"Hey," I said suddenly. "I know what I should do." I climbed off Epona and dug around in the saddlebag, finally withdrawing the poacher's saw. "Hey carpenter guy," I walked over to him. "Recognize this?"

"Why yes!" He exclaimed. "I left that saw with my wife, how did you get it?"

"I, uh, found it in the woods," I didn't think it was my job to tell him where his son had been.

"Thank you young man," he took the saw and started to feel around in his pockets. "I wish I had some way to repay you, but all I have is this." He held out a broken sword.

It looked like it had once been really nice, but the blade was snapped in two now. "Do you not want it?" I asked.

"Not really, perhaps if I knew a good swordsmith who could fix it…but I don't."

"Well," I thought of Biggoron, "I do, so I'll take it."

"Great!" The boss carpenter passed the sword over, and I climbed back on Epona without even asking what he was doing there.

I wanted to see Biggoron, so I rode to Kakariko and got to mountain climbing.

"_Hey_!"

"HELLO LITTLE ONE. HOW ARE YOU?"

"_Fine_! _Listen, can you work your magic on this sword_!" I held up the broken sword the boss carpenter had given me.

"I'D LIKE TO, BUT I'M AFRAID MY EYES HAVE GOTTEN WORSE. I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION FOR EYEDROPS, BUT I CAN'T GET DOWN OFF THE MOUNTAIN TO GET THEM."

"_If I get the eyedrops for you, how about you fix my sword for free_!"

"DEAL."

The prescription was supposed to be delivered to the Zora King, of all people, so I rode Epona to the Domain.

zzz

"Hi, um, sir." I still had no idea how to properly address a king. "Biggoron told me to give this to you."

"Oh, yes," the King peered at the prescription. "You need to take an eyeball frog to the lake scientist to get this finished though."

"Eyeball frog?" I blinked.

"Here," the King took the limp form of a dead frog with enormous eyes out of his robes and held it out to me.

I stared at it for a moment. I really didn't want to take it, but an incredibly cool sword was in the bargain and I had to. So I did.

zzz

"Hey, um, scientist guy." I held the frog out to the mad scientist-looking guy and dug in my pocket for the prescription.

"An eyeball frog!" he exclaimed. "Fantastic, this will go great in my stew." He took the frog and started to turn towards a pot bubbling on his Bunsen burner.

"Hey wait!" I stopped him. "It's not for you to eat, it's for Biggoron's eyedrops."

"Eyedrops?" I handed him the prescription. "Oh, yes. Hand me that beaker."

I spent the next half hour helping a mad scientist with his work, fifteen minutes of which proved to be wasted on making his dinner. When I finally got the enormous bottle of eyedrops, the mad scientist told me that they had to be refrigerated.

"Without it they will go bad quickly."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I exclaimed. "Now I've got to gallop Epona _all_ the way back to Kakariko, run up _all_ those stupid stairs," I stopped abruptly. "I've got to get going!"

Epona made top speed to the Village, then I made top speed through it and up the mountain.

"AH, THANK YOU." Biggoron put the drop in his eyes, an interesting sight, then blinked a few times and smiled down at me. "THAT'S MUCH BETTER, I'M SURE I CAN GET BACK TO WORK NOW."

"_Remember, you promised to fix my sword_!"

"I REMEMBER, HAND IT OVER."

I did, and Biggoron examined it. "AH, YES, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO GREAT THINGS WITH THIS."

"_Really_! _Cool_!"

"RETURN IN THREE DAYS AND YOU WILL HAVE YOUR SWORD."

I didn't know where I would be in three days, after all, it had only been four days since I'd arrived in the future (felt like years though), but I said yes and took the claim check he offered.

What a strange chain of events this had been.

zzz

As I got closer and closer to Kakariko I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. I prayed that what I was seeing wasn't real, that it was an illusion or just something else, but by the time I reached the stairs I knew it was true. Kakariko Village was in flames.

I ran into the village as fast as I could, hoping there was something I could do to help, then to my surprise saw Sheik standing in front of the well.

"Sheik!" I ran towards him.

Sheik turned and saw me. "Get back Link!" he shouted.

"What's going on?"

"Long story, just stay back!"

Suddenly a formless shadow rose up from the well and rushed at Sheik, lifting him up and hurling him back a good hundred yards.

"_Sheik_!" My heart leapt up into my throat and I rushed toward his limp form. "Sheik are you okay!" I bent over him and pulled down his high collar. "Sheik, please be okay…" He moaned softly and I sighed, more relieved than I'd thought I could be.

Then I got mad.

The shadow that had attacked Sheik was flitting around on the hills around the village, it looked like it was coming back around for another attack. I drew the Master Sword and stood between the shadow and the still-unconscious Sheik. "You stay away from him…" I said, in what Navi later told me was a low and dangerous voice.

Then the shadow rushed toward me, faster than I could react, and when it hit me I felt like I'd been hit with a solid wave of ice that passed through me, filled me, covered my vision, and robbed me of breath.

zzz

"…Link…"

Sheik's voice sounded very far away.

"…Link…"

I was trying to say something, but I couldn't get through the icy black sea that separated us.

"…Link, talk to me Link…"

I want to, really I do, but… Wait. The ice is melting, the blackness is fading away, but water is falling on my face.

"Sheik…" I managed to say, then opened my eyes. Sheik was leaning over me, looking concerned. He had pulled up his collar again, but I could see the emotion in his ruby eyes. It was raining too, a fact I was grateful for since it would help put out the fire.

Sheik sighed with as much relief as I had felt before. "Thank god."

I moaned and sat up. "What happened?"

"The dark spirit that had been sealed inside the well escaped. It attacked you."

"It attacked you first," I pointed out.

"Maybe," he admitted. "But I was expecting it, I know what it can do. You, on the other hand, rushed in to battle it without a care for your own safety. You, my friend, are a fool."

Though I was happy to hear him call me a friend, I latched onto the word fool. "Hey now, I was just trying to protect you!"

"Fool," he repeated. He stood up and dusted himself off. "The truth is though, the Hero of Time is needed right now."

"Huh?" I stood up too, wincing and noticing I had somehow lost my hat in the proceedings.

"I believe Impa has gone to the Shadow Temple to seal it again, but...she will be in danger without any help. Link, Impa is one of the six Sages. Destroy the evil shadow spirit and save Impa!" He withdrew his harp. "There is an entrance to the Shadow Temple beneath the graveyard behind this village. The only thing I can do for you is teach you the melody that will lead you to the Shadow Temple," he said, as though making a decision. "This is the melody that will draw you into the infinite darkness that absorbs even time... Listen to this, the Nocturne of Shadow."

"Creepy name," I said.

"Yes," he agreed.

Then he played the song. It was just as creepy as the name, but I knew it was important. The stuff Sheik knew was always important.

I played along as soon as I picked up the melody, noticing that everything seemed to dim as I played, then stepped toward Sheik to inquire after his health.

He backed away. "Link…I'll see you again." Then he vanished.

I swore.

Navi agreed.


	12. Seeing the Truth

12. Seeing the Truth

The Nocturne of Shadow took me to a Triforce pedestal on a ledge above the graveyard. It gave me a good view of the burning village, which basically just depressed me. I could see the sun setting through the clouds of smoke, which reminded me of how badly I'd been treating my body lately. I'd gotten little proper sleep, hadn't been eating well, was constantly being pummeled by monsters and having to carry around heavy weapons…but without those I'd be dead by now. I think, considering the circumstances, I'd been doing pretty well.

Behind me on the ledge was an entrance into a cave or something. It was very dark, unnaturally dark, and I knew I had to go into it.

But I _really_ didn't want to.

Into the creepy cave and down the creepy stairs I found a creepy room filled with pause to count sixteen torches. I seriously doubted I could hit all of them with fire arrows before they went out, so I climbed up on to the creepy platform in the middle of the creepy room and cast Din's Fire.

Door open check.

"Oh hell," was my reaction to the next room, and, in fact, to most of the Temple. This place was just creepy, horribly, horribly creepy, and I hated it. And yes, I will be over-using the word creepy throughout this entire chapter.

I used the Longshot to get across the enormous pit in the middle of the room, then used the Lens of Truth to see through the wall. The Lens, I could already tell, was going to be incredibly important in this Temple. For one thing, that damn crow statue had to be pointed at one of the skulls, the only _real_ skull, and I was fairly certain something bad would happen if I messed it up. Then I had to follow the Lens down a hall, find a map, head to the right, and open a door.

I took one look in the room, closed the door and backed away, then mentally cursed myself for doing so. I was a coward, a craven little coward, but…

I opened the door again, took a deep breath and swallowed hard, then looked back at what I'd seen. Blood. A thick bright red pool of blood underneath a torture device like the one I'd seen under the well. But that one hadn't had a fresh pool of blood beneath it.

I couldn't help but picture whoever it was that had been so recently injured, Impa maybe, chained to that big X, writhing in pain. Perhaps their spirit had been added to those that (I was sure) already haunted this horrific place.

Reluctantly, I walked into the room. The fact that someone had been bleeding in that room only moments before meant that _something_ was definitely in there, and I had to find out what.

Then a pale claw-like hand attached to an unnaturally long skeletal arm grabbed my head.

I jumped Dead Hands up to number 3 on my list of most-hated monsters (ReDeads and Like Likes _just_ beat it out). But the Lens helped me find strategic places for bombs and blow the dead bastard up.

After the damn thing was dead…again, a chest appeared which contained, um, winged boots?

"Hover boots!" Navi exclaimed. "I've heard of these! They let you walk on air… for awhile."

I looked at the boots. "What's the downside, besides the wings?"

"Well…no traction."

"Ah. Now let's get out of here before I puke."

Back in the room with the crow statue I pulled the Hover Boots on and approached the gaping chasm. "You're _sure_ I can walk on air?" I asked. That drop was definitely making me nervous.

"Positive," Navi assured me. "But only for awhile."

"And how long is 'awhile'?"

"Well…let's find out!"

Carefully I placed one foot on the empty space beyond the floor and put a little of my weight on it. Solid. Great!

Unfortunately, Navi was right, again. The boots had no traction, and their power only lasted for a short time. As evidenced by my frantic leap to the path up to the door on the other side of the chasm when I felt myself sinking in the air.

"_Damn_ Navi," I muttered, clambering onto the path. "That was less than 'awhile.'"

"Awhile is a relative term!" Navi tried to defend herself.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Down the passage and past the beam-shooting statue (appropriately named a "Beamos"), was a room with spinning Grim Reaper statues that tried to behead me, a huge blade trap, and a silver rupees puzzle. If _that_ doesn't tell you how evil this place was, I don't know what will.

Oh wait, yes I do. Everything else that happened there.

As I kept going through the Shadow Temple I kept running into more and more horrible things. Beamos, mummies, guillotines, Wallmasters, Stalfos, Like Likes, Keese, invisible Grim Reaper statues, giant fans, ReDeads, and hidden spikes.

Creepy. All creepy.

Eventually I came to a huge room with a man-made river and a very pretty boat. "Ooh," Navi said. "Look at that."

"It doesn't make up for the rest of the stuff," I said gloomily.

"But look! It's got a swan on the front and everything!"

I sighed. "Fine, we'll go explore it. Happy?"

"Yes."

It _was_ a pretty boat, or ship, or whatever. But it had a Gold Skulltula near the bow, and a creepy empty feeling throughout. The Triforce seal was carved into the, uhh, floor (I _know_ there's a technical term for the floor of the top part of the ship, I just don't know what it is), and the carved lines were filled with dust.

"Hey Navi," I called, "look at this."

She bobbed over. "The Triforce?"

"Yeah, but there's more to it. It looks like the seal of the royal family. What would a boat belonging to the royal family be doing in a place like this?"

"Gathering dust?" Navi shrugged. "Why does it matter?"

"Well…" I didn't want to say it to her, but I really didn't want any reason to connect the royal family (a.k.a. Zelda) with the recently used torture devices in the Shadow Temple. So instead of saying anything, I put the Ocarina to my lips and played Zelda's Lullaby.

Immediately the boat shuddered and jerked forward, then began sailing smoothly down the river.

"Do you think that was a good idea?" I asked, peering over the side of the boat.

"Usually whenever something tries to stop you from doing something it's a good idea."

"Yeah," I agreed. "That does seem to be the way it works in these places." I turned around. "But nothing's trying to stop me from doing this."

"Tell that to _him_."

A Stalfos jumped down from somewhere above, landing hard enough to buckle the boards of the deck (hey, I remembered!).

For the rest of the cruise I fought those creepy skeleton warriors as the boat gently swayed back and forth. Stalfos, according to Tido, were once adults who had gotten lost in the Lost Woods. I have no idea if that's true, but it made fighting them all the more creepy.

As soon as I defeated the second one the boat gave a mighty shudder and came to a stop.

"Link! This ship is sinking!" Navi shouted. "Abandon ship! Get onto a safe platform!"

"What!" Quickly, I ran over and leapt off the left side of the boat, rolling and popping back up to my feet when I landed on the ground next to the river. I watched as the swan ship sank into the water, leaving nothing but the top of the mast above the surface.

There was really nothing else I could do there so I went through the door and came to a room full of pillars. Navi started to bob ahead of me, but stopped abruptly, as though she'd run into something.

"Ow!" she exclaimed.

Then something I couldn't see attacked me from the side.

"Ow!" I exclaimed.

I pulled out the Lens of Truth and put it to my eye. The room, empty as it had seemed, was actually full of invisible walls and Floormasters. Damn.

I fought my way through the room, skirting walls and giant hands all the way, then went through a door.

Three enormous (and incredibly creepy) skull statues full of blue fire stood in the middle of the room. There was a Gold Skulltula behind them, but other than that their only purpose seemed to be to be creepy. I decided to blow them up.

After chucking bombs into the blue flames of the skulls and blowing them to smithereens (all they had in them was a few rupees and some healing supplies…for some reason), I went back into the room with all the invisible walls and through another door.

It looked just like a small room with spikes on the walls (I didn't know why there were spikes on the walls, but the troubling brown stains on the spikes discouraged me from investigating further) but as I walked into the room there was a grinding sound and the walls started to move towards me.

"Crap!" I ran towards one of the walls and started pushing it between the spikes. No good, I couldn't stop it. But as I was pushing I noticed that the spikes seemed to be made of wood, and the walls were equally flammable.

So I stood in the middle of the rapidly-shrinking room and cast Din's Fire.

The walls burned to ash, and beyond them I found a creepy chest with a creepy key inside.

The other two doors in the room with the invisible walls lead to a room with some bad guys and a key, and back out to the place where I'd jumped off the ship.

There was a locked door on the other side of the river, but I couldn't get across without touching the water, which looked toxic. There was, however, a really tall statue with bomb flowers around the base at just the right place to fall and make a bridge.

I shot fire arrows at the bomb flowers, which exploded and knocked the statue over.

Beyond the locked door was a room with a big gaping chasm (I was starting to notice a pattern with chasms in this temple), and a huge creepy door on the other side.

Huge creepy doors often hide huge creepy monsters, like that shadow that had attacked Sheik, and probably done something to Impa.

This was personal.

The Lens of Truth revealed plenty of platforms in the chasm, and the Hover Boots had just enough power to cross the space between them, even though their lack of traction made it much harder to stay on.

But I crossed the expanse without incident and used the creepy key to open the creepy door.

I was in a big creepy room with a big creepy pit in the center, and down in the pit seemed to be… a giant drum? I put my regular boots back on, got the Lens of Truth ready, and hopped down onto it.

Suddenly something drummed the drum, shaking the ground and knocking me down. I looked around and saw giant disembodied hands on either side of me, one of them turned sideways and rushing towards me. I rolled out of the way just in time and put the Lens of Truth to my eye to see if it would help.

It did. The giant hands weren't disembodied, the body was just invisible, and had one huge eye.

"Bongo Bongo," Navi said.

"Huh?" I dodged one of his huge hands again, not an easy thing to do when also trying to draw a bow.

"Bongo Bongo, the Phantom Shadow Beast. I've heard of him, but the stories say he was sealed away a long time ago."

"He was." Instead of dodging the next attack I shot an arrow at his giant hand, reveling in the apparent pain this caused him.

Bongo Bongo shook the hand I'd shot, trying to get the arrow out, and banged the drum with the other. So I shot it too.

With both hands out of commission there was no way for the Phantom Shadow Beast (nice name) to block any arrows I shot at his head. I couldn't fire arrows and use the Lens at the same time, but I remembered where the eye was and sent a stream of arrows into it.

There was a massive thump on the drum and I quickly put up the Lens to see what it was. Bongo Bongo's body had come crashing down. He was vulnerable.

I rushed over, drawing the Master Sword as I ran. "Hey there drum guy," I said. "You and I have a score to settle." Then, quite methodically, I stabbed the sword that can repel evil through the head of the Phantom Shadow Beast Bongo Bongo.

The Beast dissolved into a puddle of evilness and a portal of light appeared nearby. "That was for Impa, Kakariko, and Sheik," I told the puddle, then stepped into the light.

zzz

"The boy with the noble Zelda's Ocarina...As I expected, you have come," a woman's voice said. I focused in on the speaker and saw, much to my relief, Impa.

"Miss Impa," I exclaimed. "You're all right!"

"You thought I wasn't?" She frowned at me.

"Well…I was worried." I looked down. "There was…blood, fresh blood, in one of the rooms. I couldn't think of anyone else who would be in here so…"

"Oh, that." Impa shook her head and rubbed her neck. "The Shadow Temple is designed to keep people on their toes, the blood is, probably, fake."

"Really?" I sighed with relief. "Well, I'm still not going back in there. No way in _hell_."

"Understandable," Impa said. She looked me up and down. "When last I saw you, as we made our escape from the castle, you were just a lad. Now I see that you have become a fine hero..."

I shrugged.

"You must be quite strong to have defeated the shadow that escaped."

"I _can't_ fail," I said. "I decide that before every battle. If I tell myself I can't fail, that's it's just not a possibility, that I won't stop until I win, then I always win."

"That's rather intelligent," Impa approved. "But what could be so important to you that you are willing to fight yourself into the ground?"

I looked at Impa for a few moments, trying to decide what to say, then I looked down at the ground and told the truth. "Zelda. It's…Princess Zelda."

"I see," was all Impa said.

There was silence in the Chamber of the Sages of awhile, then Impa took a deep breath and spoke.

"I have to stay here..." She looked me directly in the eyes. "You go to Princess Zelda's side and protect her on my behalf."

I nodded and bowed a little. "I will Impa, I swear it."

"Now I put my power, which should be helpful to you, into this Medallion." She passed me the Shadow Medallion and joined her power with mine. Impa's power was very impressive, and I suddenly felt better then I had in days. "There's nothing to worry about, the Princess is safe now."

"Thank you Impa."

"Goodbye Link."

"Goodbye."

The Chamber of the Sages faded around me and the light pulled me away, depositing me next to the tree in front of the no-longer-burning Kakariko, but not before I heard Impa's last words.

"Please look out for the Princess!"

Don't worry, I will.


	13. Gerudo Girls

13. Gerudo Girls

I spent that night with the refugees in Mrs. Boss Carpenter's house. I'd been through far too much in far too short an amount of time to care anything about my pride. Not that I got too much sleep; my dreams were full of blood and torture, with my fantasy-Zelda flittering through from time to time. I woke shortly before dawn after a disturbing dream in which my fantasy-Zelda was the one being tortured, while Sheik stared at me with accusing eyes.

I went outside as quietly as I could, trying not to wake anyone up, then climbed that one tree and watched the sun rise next to Death Mountain.

The dream, disturbing though it was, had reminded me of something I'd mostly forgotten.

"Hey Navi, wake up," I shook my hat to dislodge her.

"Link?" she bobbed out, looking unsteady. "What time is it?"

"No idea. Do you remember where Sheik said the last sage was? He listed them the first time we met him, remember?"

"Sure, umm…" she floated thoughtfully. "A deep forest, a high mountain, a vast lake, the house of the dead, and…a goddess of the sand!"

I frowned, thinking. "Where would a 'goddess of the sand' be? What _is_ a goddess of the sand?"

"Well, I don't know about any goddess," Navi shrugged, "but I do know where we can find some sand…"

"Hey, you! If you're going to the fortress, would you mind finding out what my workers are doing over there?"

I looked down at the boss carpenter. "Your workers are in the Gerudo fortress?"

"They ran off days ago. Said I was too hard on them, lazy bums," he crossed his arms and snorted.

"Sure," I said, steering Epona away from the grass she was munching and back towards the fortress entrance, "I'll keep an eye out for them."

I stopped Epona just before we were in the fortress proper and hopped off. "Stay here," I told her. "We might have to make a hasty exit."

"Not if you don't get caught."

"Don't worry Navi," I peered around the corner of a wall into the fortress, "I won't."

Then I nearly tripped and fell over at the sight of the half-dozen scantily dressed women patrolling the fortress.

"You won't, huh?"

"Shut up Navi."

I used the Longshot to latch onto a flagpole and get above most of the guards' line of sight, then snuck past a few others and ducked into the first door I saw.

"Augh!" someone exclaimed.

"Shh!" I hissed immediately, turning around. Then I stopped when I saw one of the carpenters huddling inside a jail cell. "Hey, what happened to you?"

The carpenter stared at me. "Who are you? You're not a Gerudo."

"No, I'm not. I'm-"

"In a lot of trouble," a female voice finished for me.

"What!" I turned and saw a Gerudo guard hop down from somewhere above. She was dressed just as scantily as the others, but I couldn't afford to be distracted by that, since she was wielding twin scimitars and obviously meant business.

I grabbed my shield and blocked her first attack, then made one of my own before she could pull back from hers, and quickly sidestepped and attacked again before she could recover.

I expected to have to fight more, but the guard leapt back up above and disappeared, leaving a key behind.

I grabbed it and unlocked the door to the cell. "Get back to your boss," I ordered the carpenter. "And what were you doing here anyway?"

"We got tired of taking orders and having to work all the time," the carpenter sighed. "I guess we really were lazy bums after all, but no more!" The carpenter clenched a fist and tried to look determined. "From this day forward, Ichiro the Carpenter is _not_ a lazy bum!"

"Good for you," I told him, "now get going."

"Try and save my fellows, will you?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Now go!"

He went.

I hid behind some boxes, snuck down some hallways, and Longshot my way across the courtyard before I found the next carpenter.

This one's name was Jiro, and he was slightly less hyper than Ichiro, but only slightly. Before I could free him that Gerudo guard appeared again and tried to drive me off, but I drove her off instead.

The same thing happened with Sabooro, except that I nearly got caught on the way to his cell, and with Shiro, but after Shiro was gone the guard appeared again.

"I've seen your fine work," she said. "To get past the guards here, you must have good thieving skills,"

"I do?"

"Oh yes," she nodded emphatically. "I used to think that all men, besides the great Ganondorf, were useless, except as playthings...but now that I've seen you, I don't think so anymore!"

"Um, thanks?" The way she was looking at me was making me very uncomfortable.

"The exalted Nabooru, our leader, put me in charge of this fortress. Nabooru is the second-in-command to the great Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo Thieves. Her headquarters are in the Spirit Temple, which is at the end of the desert." She cocked ger head at me. "Say, you must want to become one of us, eh?"

"Uhh…"

"Come on," the guard slinked toward me, smiling. "It's a great honor to be invited to join our tribe, and the invitation is almost never extended towards men. And when it is, well…" her smile grew wicked, "the _celebrations_ last for days."

"C-celebrations?" I was sure I knew what she meant, but I honestly didn't know how to feel about it.

"Oh yes," she was very close to me now, close enough to reach out and play with my belt buckle, which she did. "It's a lot of fun, for _everyone_."

I gulped, and the Gerudo cocked her head and looked at me strangely.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"Um, seventeen," physically anyway, I added silently. I was probably only up to fourteen mentally.

"And are you a noble?"

"Uh, no."

"Then you're still considered young, by most people."

"Um, I guess so."

The Gerudo leaned close and looked me directly in the eyes. "Are you a virgin?"

My eyes grew wide. "A- a- a-"

"You _are_! Oh this is _fantastic_!"

"W- what?"

"Since you're a virgin, it means you haven't picked up any bad habits, and probably don't have any misconceptions about what women want. Oh this is too, too perfect!" She clapped her hands and laughed. "And since Nabooru's gone, she can't even claim dibs!"

"Nabooru?" I asked.

"Our leader," the guard explained. "The one in charge usually gets dibs on any new men, but since she's gone and I'm second-in-command…" She grinned wickedly at me. "Come on, rookie," she grabbed me by the belt buckle and led me firmly to the cot in one of the cells. "Let the training begin."

After Lesson One, Nabooru's second-in-command (I never did catch her name) passed me off to a captain who gave me Lesson Two, who then gave me to a couple of Gerudo guards who gave me Lessons Three, Four _and_ Five.

It went on like that for three days. Now, I enjoyed it, I'm not going to lie, but I was conflicted. I wanted to get to the desert, find the 'goddess of the sand' awaken the sage, kill the monster, kill Ganon, and save the world. I wanted to save Zelda. But the Gerudos wanted to teach me things, things that I desperately wanted to learn.

They also taught me a few things that were less…carnal, about their tribe. Gerudos don't have marriage, they don't even have steady boyfriends, they don't really think of sex as something all that private. It's something they enjoy, and something they do as often as they can. Not a special connection between two people, just a hell of a lot of fun. That was a point of view that I enjoyed, but couldn't agree with.

On day two of my "training," just after Lesson Twelve, my instructor turned to me and asked, "Who's Zel?"

"Huh?" I knew who Zel was, of course I did, but I didn't know where she'd heard the name.

"Zel," she repeated. "You cried the name out several times. Perhaps an old girlfriend?"

"Um, not exactly. I knew her when I was a kid."

"Ah," my instructor nodded knowingly. "Young love and childish affection. You Hylians are so weird."

I couldn't really say anything to that.

The morning of the fourth day I snuck off before that night's company could wake up and try to keep me around. Part of me hated to leave (I'm sure you know which part) but most of me knew I couldn't stay. Besides, I had an appointment with Biggoron to keep.

Navi didn't say anything, though she was giving off "You Bastard" vibes like crazy. I knew what she wanted to say, and I think she knew she didn't need to say it. What I had done...was just plain wrong.

The Gerudos didn't think it was wrong, but I wasn't a Gerudo. I felt terrible for being their sex slave, even if I had enjoyed it on a few levels. I've already said there was a part of me that didn't want to go, and right at that moment I hated that part more than I've ever hated anything. More than Ganondorf even.

There was another part of me, a smaller, less physical part, that kept saying I would be really grateful for the Gerudos' training someday. And the rest of me had to admit I had learned a lot. Since I had that information implanted in my head I knew, in theory, how to do what the Gerudos had taught me, but I hadn't known how to do it like _that_.

I now knew all about the various parts of a woman's body, including the parts most guys neglect. More importantly, I knew that every woman is different, and that it would take a couple of tries before I found out how to send her to heaven and hell all in one moment.

But I could make those tries plenty good just the same. I knew how to make a woman sigh, how to make her moan, how to make her dig her fingernails into my back and scream obscenities.

I also knew that if I kept up that line of thought I would need to go back to the Gerudos for... stress relief.

Three hours later I was back in the Fortress, with Biggoron's Sword and new resolve. Mainly, I just couldn't wait to wail on Ganon with the enormous sword Biggoron had made for me. It was only midmorning, and I managed to convince the Gerudo guarding the entrance of the fortress that my training was fine for now, so I headed right for the gate that led to the desert.

"Hey rookie," the guard greeted me, she had been one of my instructors the day before, "come for another lesson?"

"Not right now," it was tempting, but I had to be strong. "Could you let me into the desert?"

"It's dangerous," she said. "Are you sure you want to go?"

"I kind of have to. Can you just raise the gate?"

"But you haven't even met Nabooru."

"Where _is_ Nabooru?" Several Gerudos had mentioned her, but not where she was or why she was gone.

"She went to the Desert Colossus to try to get into the Spirit Temple. It was a while ago though."

That was some information. The Spirit Temple was in the Desert Colossus, whatever that was. "How long has she been gone, a few weeks?"

"Seven years."

I choked on the expletive I'd been going to say and coughed several times. "S-seven years!"

"Uh-huh. We're starting to think we should go look for her."

"You know what?" I gave her a smile that several of my instructors had melted for, "I'll go look for her. Just open the gate and I'll get right to it."

"Great, I should warn you about the trials though."

"Trials?"

"There are two," she pointed out towards the desert. "The first is the River of Sand. You can't walk across that river. After you cross it, follow the flags we placed there. The second is the Phantom Guide. Those without eyes that can see the truth will only find themselves returning here. You are going anyway, aren't you? I won't stop you... Go ahead!"

"Um, okay."

The Gerudo spun a wheel and the gate opened. "Don't die out there, okay? It'd be a real shame to lose a piece of tail like you."

I rolled my eyes and went into the desert.


	14. Colossal Confrontation

14. Colossal Confrontation

The River of Sand flowed in front of me. It was just that, a river of sand, flowing like very gritty water.

While I was standing there watching the gallons of sand flow, an equal amount of sand had been blowing in my eyes, hair, nose, mouth, clothes, basically every opening on my body that wasn't completely covered by clothes. I thanked the goddesses my adult self had taken to wearing pants.

I peered through the sand to the other side of the river. There were red flags flapping in the wind, and I thought I could see some boxes between them. The Longshot could handle that.

Once across the river of sand the granulated wind started building up, and I started sinking into the ground. It got hard to walk very quickly, and the path of red flags twisted and turned and was hard enough to follow as it was. I gave up after ten minutes of slogging through the sea of sand, then stood on one foot at a time as I changed into the hover boots.

It actually worked. Something I thought of actually worked! Very cool.

After that it was much easier going. The sand still clogged all my orifices, but at least I could walk on top of it. Then the red flags ran out on me, just as I thought I was making some real progress.

A small stone shelter stood between the last of the red flags. It looked inviting, but I really wanted to get to the Desert Colossus quickly. I climbed up the circular ramp around the shelter, and nothing was at the top.

"Hey Navi, do you remember the second trial?"

"Um, the Phantom Guide?"

"'Phantom Guide?'" I repeated. I shuddered, "Phantom…" Then I remembered the Lens of Truth. I didn't particularly want to see the 'Phantom Guide,' whatever it was, but it was a trial that I had to pass.

A big poe floated in front of me, holding a lantern. "Follow me, if you can," he called when he noticed that I could see him. Then he floated off.

The Phantom Guide led me down a path even more twisting and torturous than the one with the flags. There were these short spinning green creatures that Navi called Leevers that rose up out of the sand all around me, attacking mercilessly. It seemed like I should have been able to kill them, but they attacked in packs and were too small to hit at the same time as _being_ hit.

Eventually the Phantom Guide stopped at a pair of tattered red flags just like all the others and disappeared. Thankfully the Leevers left with him, but once I passed between the flags they came back. I had to run and climb up on a rock before I could even look around.

There was no wind here in the Colossus area. High stone walls cut it off, and if it weren't for the Leevers it would have been a nice respite. There were a lot of rocks, what looked like a dry oasis, a crack in one of the rock walls that looked bombable, and a huge stone building with a statue of a goddess carved into it.

My eyes widened at the site of the statue. "Woah."

"What?" Navi followed my gaze. "Oh for- Link, stop staring at the statue's boobs."

I shook my head to clear it. "I wasn't!"

"Uh-huh, sure. Come on, let's go!"

Now ticked at Navi, I decided to investigate the cracked wall instead.

Five minutes later I emerged with a new spell and another memory I wanted to wipe from my brain.

"Nayru's Love!" Navi exclaimed. "That could really come in handy!"

"Maybe, but I doubt I'll need magic armor."

"This is not the time for posturing, Link." Navi bobbed in my face and gave the impression she was frowning. "What about the Spirit Temple?"

"I'm thirsty," I said, ignoring her. "I'm gonna check out that oasis."

"Link!"

It was another ten minutes before Navi managed to get me into the giant building. It was completely empty, except for pots that tried to kill me and some Armos Statues that tried to kill me too, but there were two gigantic stone thingies with cryptic inscriptions.

_If you want to proceed to the past, you should return here with the pure heart of the child._

_If you want to travel to the future, you should return here with the power of silver from the past_.

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

"Well, _obviously_ it means you've got to do some time traveling."

"Oh." I looked at the stone thingies again. "Do you think someone left these things just as a message for me?"

"Creepy thought, idnit?"

"You're mean Navi."

"I try."

I shook my head and went outside, and immediately got the feeling of being watched.

Sheik leapt down from the decorative arch in front of me, landing perfectly and standing with barely concealed smugness.

I didn't even say anything, just listened to him speak. I had plenty to say, but it could wait.

"Past, Present, Future. The Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river. The port for that ship is in the Temple of Time. To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through Time's flow." Sheik pulled out his harp. "Listen to the Requiem of Spirit. This melody will lead a child back to the desert."

He played and I played along, but as I did so I made a decision. He always ran away after teaching me these songs, but this could be the last time and I wasn't going to let him get away.

"Link…" Sheik started to back away, just like he always did before disappearing. "I'll see you again."

"Hey wait!" I started towards him. "Hold on a second!"

A harsh sand-filled wind blew in from the side, blinding me and separating me from Sheik. "Oh, no you don't! Not again!" I shielded my eyes with one arm and reached with the other through the wind. "You're not going anywhere!" My hand connected with something, it felt like fabric. I grabbed a handful and pulled it towards me.

The wind suddenly died down and I was left holding Sheik by his mask/collar thing. I sighed and blinked a few last grains of sand out of my eyes. "Like I said, you're not going anywhere," I let go of his collar, "until I get some answers."

"Answers?" Sheik adjusted his collar, looking at me in surprise. "What could you possibly still have questions about?"

"Um, _hello_! Everything." Could he really be this dense? "Especially you."

"Me?" Sheik seemed almost frightened.

"Yeah, you." I shook my head. "Come on Sheik, I don't know anything about you, and I want to."

"You- you do?"

"Of _course_, I thought we were friends. If someone as solitary as you even _wants_ friends."

"I do!" Sheik exclaimed, involuntarily (probably) stepping towards me. "I do want friends, I just… It's dangerous for anyone to get too close to me."

"Oh, and about that," I (purposely) stepped towards him. "How come whenever I come within, like, five feet of you, you back up? I'm not gonna bite you. I probably won't even hit you."

"It's not that…" Sheik wasn't meeting my eyes. He really _was _frightened! "Look, I've got to go. You have a lot you need to do and -"

"Nope," I grabbed Sheik's arm as he tried to turn away. "Not a chance. I told you, you can't leave unless you tell me why you _literally_ won't let me get close to you."

"I- I-" Sheik was staring at my hand on his arm. "It's just- I- That is- I-"

"Out with it!" I pulled him closer to me. "Why can't I get near you?"

"It's not that I don't want you near me!" The words exploded out of him, like he couldn't even control them. "It's that I don't trust myself near _you_!"

"What?" I let go of his arm, incredibly confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I- I-" Sheik closed his eyes, sighed, and seemed to resign himself. "Oh, fuck it."

Quickly, so quickly I almost thought it wasn't happening, Sheik grabbed me by the back of my neck with one hand, pulled his mask down with the other, then pulled my head down and kissed me firmly on the mouth.

Yeah. He kissed me. _Sheik_ kissed me. At first I was so surprised I couldn't do anything. Then the feeling of soft lips on mine (and the raging hormones coursing through my body) erased all other sensations from my mind. I closed my eyes and kissed him back.

(If you think about it, it really wasn't so strange. I mean Sheik was Zelda after all. And despite an award-winning performance, he was still pretty feminine. Plus, whether I realized it or not, I was fairly deeply in love with him at this point. And let's not forget that I was impossibly horny. That's always good to remember.)

Anyway, I was lost in the kiss. With my eyes closed I couldn't even see Sheik, and my brain was free to picture anyone it pleased. It tossed up: Zelda. Of course.

The person that my mind now thought of as Zelda was a very good kisser. They opened their mouth and tasted me with their tongue. It felt so good that I decided to do it back. Things continued on like that for awhile, with both of us making little "ah" and "mm" noises from time to time. I have no idea how long the kiss lasted, but just before I was ready to rip the clothes off my partner and bang them right then and there, they pulled back for air and I gasped: "Zel!"

The hand was removed from the back of my neck and the person who had been kissing me stepped back. I opened my eyes and was disoriented for a moment at the sight of Sheik standing before me. Then I remembered: Oh yeah, _Sheik!_

"Sheik, I-"

Sheik smiled sadly and readjusted his collar. "I've been wanting to do that since the moment I first saw you in the Temple of Time."

"Listen Shiek, I-"

"Goodbye Link." Sheik stepped back from me and that sand-filled wind blew up again. "I won't see you again."

"Wait, Sheik!" But he was already gone.

There was silence for awhile. I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't even know what I had been going to say to Sheik. I just stood there, silent, immobile, until Navi bobbed up next to me.

"Did that just happen?" I asked, feeling numb.

"What? Sheik kissing you, or you kissing Sheik?"

"Yes," I answered.

"Yeah. That just happened."

"Fuck."


	15. The Spirit of Youth

15. The Spirit of Youth

I played the Prelude of Light to get to the Temple of Time, then put the Master Sword into the Pedestal to travel back to the past. I didn't say a word to Navi the whole time, and she didn't say one to me. I think she knew how confused I was, and she knew me well enough by now to know that I didn't want to talk about it.

It hurt, that was the strange part. The memory of what had happened with Sheik actually hurt, and I just couldn't talk about it. So I did what I usually do when something hurts: sulked mentally and threw myself into an activity.

In this case the activity was saving Hyrule, so I think I was justified in my actions. Anyway, once I was short again I played the Requiem of Spirit and found myself on a Triforce pedestal near the Colossus.

Pointedly not looking at the spot where Sheik had kissed me, I went into the Colossus to look around.

The stone thingies were gone, and there was a red-haired Gerudo woman standing on the left side of the platform at the top of the stairs.

"Hi," I said.

"What do you want?" the woman asked, scowling. She was quite tall, though maybe that was just a perspective difference, and very pretty. I was sure that if I saw her as a teenager I would be hot for her, but very thankful that I wasn't now.

"Nothing, really," I answered. It was none of her business anyway.

The woman scowled even more. "You're not one of the servants of Ganondorf are you?"

I scowled too. "I hate Ganondorf."

"Then you're all right by me!" She clapped me on the shoulder and smiled.

I stared up at her. "Umm…Huh?"

"First of all, let me introduce myself," the woman struck a little pose and smiled smugly. "I'm Nabooru of the Gerudo. I'm a lone wolf thief."

I didn't really think that was something she should be proud of, besides it was too much like Ganondorf. Something of my feeling must have shown on my face because she quickly waved her hands at me, as though to brush away my fears.

"But don't get me wrong!" she exclaimed. "Though we're both thieves, I'm completely different from Ganondorf. With his followers, he stole from women and children, and even killed people! A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years…"

I'd suspected something like that, but it was nice to have it confirmed. It certainly explained a lot.

"Even though our laws say that the lone male Gerudo must become King of the Gerudo, I'll never bow to such an evil man!"

I had the sudden urge to say "You go girl!" but suppressed it.

"I came here to find a treasure that's supposed to be hidden in the Temple, but the only entrance I can find is much too small to get through." She gestured toward a small hole in the wall behind her.

I crouched down and peered through it. "I'll bet I could fit through that."

"I'll bet you could," she smiled smugly again, I got the feeling I just done what she'd wanted. "Now listen," she crouched down so she was at my eye level. "I'm looking for the Silver Gauntlets, can you remember that?"

"Of course," I frowned at her. "Do you think I'm stupid or something?"

She laughed. "Guess not. Anyway, once you find them, I need you to bring them to me. They won't fit a kid like you anyway. Got it?"

"Yup."

"When you get back, I promise I'll have a great surprise for you," she smiled in a way that was definitely reminiscent of her second-in-command.

"Umm…right. Bye Ma'am." I ducked down the hole before she could be offended.

I stood up in a room full of Keese and an Armos statue. The Keese went down easily enough, I was still pretty good with a slingshot, and I already knew how to take out an Armos statue. Once they were gone the doors unlocked, and I went left.

A Stalfos, a chasm, and a switch awaited me. I knocked the Stalfos into the chasm and hit the switch with my boomerang to lower the bridge.

Then there were psycho pots, a blade trap and something called an Anubis that mirrored my actions. I hit a switch that turned on some fire and made the Anubis float into it.

Keese, a Wallmaster, silver rupees, skulltulas (including a gold one), and a Lizalfos tried to block me next. The Lizalfos was rather hard, but I finished it off, then set a Bombchu to blow up a wall and let some sunlight into this dank place.

When the sunlight hit the sun face symbol on the floor it lit up and a door opened.

The sun switch was an important discovery, since I ran into another one not far away (after, that is, I ran into some Beamos and some puzzles). This switch was on a block that I had to move under a ray of sunlight coming from the ceiling.

Through the door that opened after a couple more puzzles and up a staircase I found a very fancy room full of pillars, with a red carpet on the floor and a big suit of armor sitting on a big chair like a throne toward the back.

"Wow," I said, examining the armor from a distance. "Can you imagine the size of the guy who could have worn-"

"Um, Link?"

"What?"

"He's still wearing it."

"What!" I jumped away at first, then noticed that the armored guy wasn't moving, so I went close to investigate. "Wow, look at this guy."

"Oh hell," Navi said. "I know what he is."

"Oh yeah, what?"

"An Iron Knuckle. They're beyond tough. Link…I don't know if you can handle this guy."

"What are you talking about? Of course I can."

"Well, maybe in the future you could, but _now_? Link, I just don't know…"

Beyond the Knuckle's throne was a locked door, of the type that only unlocks when you've done something to trigger it. "Well it looks like I _have_ to, now doesn't it?"

"Hmm…"

I drew my sword and walked up to the Knuckle. "Hey big guy," I said to him. "Wake up!" I swung the sword and hit him, hard. Immediately the Iron Knuckle grunted and looked at me.

I got a very sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The Iron Knuckle leapt to his feet and roared, swinging his enormous axe wildly, smashing his own throne as he tried to hit me.

I was already long gone though, having fled to the other end of the room and hidden behind a pillar. "That was not the best idea I've had in awhile," I said, grinning nervously.

"Not by a long shot," Navi agreed dryly.

"Oh well," I sighed and hefted my shield. "Let's do this."

The Iron Knuckle was just as tough as Navi had said, maybe even tougher. I got right in front of him so he tried to split me down the middle, then jumped to the side and jump attacked him while he recovered his axe from where it stuck in the floor. He tried to chop my head off once or twice, so I did a back flip to get out of the way. I used whatever chances I got to hit him, stabbing and slicing whenever I could. I got hit by the axe only once, and it hurt so bad that I decided not to get hit again. Sometimes I hid behind pillars and waited for the Iron Knuckle to smash it to pieces then chucked the larger chunks at his head. Eventually, some of his armor fell off, making him a bit faster and a bit angrier, and making it obvious that he was not human.

I just kept it up until he died, then entered the door behind his throne (or behind where it used to be before he smashed it into gravel) finding myself on the right hand of the giant goddess statue on the outside the temple. Very odd.

What was even odder was the gigantic owl standing in front of me.

"Kaepora Gaebora!" I exclaimed. "Wow, I haven't seen you in…uh, awhile."

"Well met, Link," Kaepora Gaebora greeted me. "Something has happened, hasn't it?"

"A lot has happened, actually." I looked around. "What are you doing here?"

"Two witches named Twinrova are here in the Temple. They are powerful sorceresses and servants on Ganondorf. In order to defeat them, you will have to turn their own magic against them."

"Umm…huh?"

"Good luck to you, Hero of Time…" Kaepora Gaebora flapped his giant wings and took off, disappearing into the sky faster then you would have thought something that big _could_ disappear.

"Yeearggh! Let me go!" a woman's voice screamed.

Quickly, I ran over to the edge of the hand and looked down to where the voice had come from. Nabooru was sinking into a black pit of quicksand, with two very old women with enormous heads flying around her on broomsticks.

_Flying around her on broomsticks_!

"Foolish traitor!" one of the witches crowed.

"You will pay for your insolence!" the other one shouted.

"You _will_ serve the great Ganondorf…"

"…And you _will_ like it!"

"No!" Nabooru screamed. Then the black pit sucked her up completely and drained away, and the witches spun away into the Temple.

"Holy _crap_!" I exclaimed. "They just totally kidnapped Nabooru!"

"Look!" Navi exclaimed. A chest had appeared on the opposite hand of the goddess.

I hooked onto it with the Longshot and swung across the gap. I opened it without even thinking what could be inside, and so was sort of surprised to see silver gloves, sort of like the leather ones my adult self wore.

"The Silver Gauntlets!" Navi bobbed around them wildly. "They'll make you stronger!"

"Stronger?" I tried putting one on, but it was much too big. "Well, I guess I'll just have to be stronger when I'm older."


	16. Reflections

16. Reflections

I was starting to really hate the Desert Colossus. Something that I was still refusing to think about had happened the first time I'd come here, a very nice woman who hated Ganon had been kidnapped by deformed witches the second time I'd come here, and I'd been attacked by Leevers and crow-like thingies called Guay both times. Now I was here for a third time, trying very hard not to think about the first time, and being attacked by Leevers and Guay.

Oh yeah. I was _really_ starting to hate the Desert Colossus.

I stared at the goddess of the sand for a good fifteen minutes, telling my brain to shut up the whole time, and made a decision. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't _do_ it. Too much that was too painful had happened to me, and I needed time to recuperate. It was getting late in the day anyway, and it's not like I had a deadline or something. I wanted to save the world, sure, but I just needed time. Standing there, I was close to tears, and I am _not_ a crier.

I played the Prelude of Light and sunk to the ground near the Spiritual Stones, leaning against a wall.

"You want to talk about it Link?" Navi asked.

"No."

"You should."

"No I shouldn't."

"Link…"

I sighed. "I just want it to go away, I don't want to talk, or even think about it."

"And _that_ is your problem."

I stared at her. "Huh?"

"You don't think about your feelings, you don't question them or give names to them. That's not exactly a bad thing, but in this case, you should."

"_Huh_?"

"Tell me about Sheik."

I looked away. "I like him."

"So what happened back there?"

I shrugged.

"He likes you, obviously."

I nodded.

"He likes you very differently from how you like him."

I didn't move.

"_Do_ you like him that way?"

I bit my lip.

"Are you attracted to him Link?"

I shook my head. "No, not really. I mean, he's got really pretty eyes and moves like a cat, but I'm attracted to the parts of him that are feminine, not really _him_."

"But when he kissed you…"

"I thought of Zelda."

"Oh."

We were both quiet for awhile.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Navi said it like it was a statement.

"Yeah, it hurts."

"Why does it hurt?"

"I dunno."

"Think about it."

I sighed again and leaned my head back. "It feels like a betrayal, I guess."

"Betrayal?"

"Like he took advantage of me. I'm sure he knew how much I liked him, and I _know_ he knew how horny I've been, and I think he might have used that to get close to me, to get away with…what he did."

"Okay, feeling of betrayal. That's the first layer, what's the next?"

"What?"

"There's another reason it hurts, tell me about that."

I said nothing for a few moments, then admitted, "Guilt."

"Guilt?"

"I made out with a _guy_ Navi," I said bitterly. "I doesn't matter that he's really feminine and I was thinking of a girl, I still made out with a _guy_. And the worst part is…I liked it."

"It's okay to enjoy a good kiss."

"From a _guy_?"

"You said yourself he's really feminine."

"But-"

"Maybe it's not that you kissed a guy, maybe it's just that you kissed _anyone_."

I didn't say anything.

"You said you thought of Zelda, maybe you're guilty because you think _you_ betrayed _her_."

"That's ridiculous Navi, why would my kissing anyone be betraying Zelda?"

"The same way your 'servicing' half the Gerudo tribe is betraying Zelda."

I froze.

"You _are_ guilty about that, aren't you?"

"That's got nothing to do with this Navi."

"Uh-huh, sure."

"So what if I feel guilty about that? So what? It wasn't betraying anyone, it's not like I was saving myself for anyone."

"Weren't you?"

I didn't say anything.

"There's one more."

"One more?"

"One more reason it hurts."

I slumped forward. "He said… he said 'I won't be seeing you again.'"

"That hurts?"

"More than I thought was possible," I said truthfully.

"All right then." Navi bobbed away.

"That's it?" I blinked.

"Yup, I'm good, are you?"

I stared at her for a moment, then looked away. "For now. When did you get to know me so well?"

"While you've been busy saving the world Link, I've been busy saving _you_."

zzz

The next morning I went back to the Desert Colossus, rested and ready to take down Twinrova. The Silver Gauntlets fit perfectly now, and I'd tested them on some big rocks in Hyrule Field before coming here. It was very cool to chuck enormous rocks at random trees and see which one would shatter, but after last night's little 'vacation,' Navi wasn't letting me get away with anything more.

The Silver Gauntlets let me move the big gray blocks that had blocked the way before. I pushed the one on the right into a hole, where it became the floor, giving me access to the rest of the Temple.

Although that might not have been a good thing. In the second half of the Temple I found: Beamos, Razor Traps, silver rupees puzzles, Wolfos, _two_ Like Likes, a Wallmaster, plenty of mirrors to move, trick chests, psycho pots, rusty switches, Anubis, more Beamos, Armos statues, and finally, another Iron Knuckle.

"You…" my eyes narrowed. "I remember you. You're going _down_!"

The Iron Knuckle wasn't really impressed by my macho talk, but I showed him that I wasn't kidding.

"Yeah! Not so tough _now_ are you! Now that I'm all grown up and have a sword almost as big as your axe! Yeah, I didn't _think_ so!"

"Link, stop taunting the poor thing and go through the door."

"Poor thing?" I exclaimed. "_Poor thing_! This 'poor thing' tried to kill me!"

"But instead you kicked its ass."

"Yeah, I _did_!"

"So leave it alone and get going."

I snorted, but did. In the next room I found a shield with a highly polished metal surface, _so_ highly polished that it worked as a mirror. I peered at my reflection in it. "Is that what I look like now?"

"You mean you didn't know?"

"You've been with me this whole time, when have I had a chance to look in a mirror?"

"Good point." Navi bobbed over and looked over my shoulder. "Yeah, that's what you look like now."

"Huh, not bad," I turned my head from side to side, examining my profile. "No wonder the Gerudos wanted to keep me around."

"You're not gonna get a big head now, are you?"

"Hmm…" I pretended to think about it.

"Link!"

I laughed. "Calm down Navi, I'm not gonna get full of myself. I know as well as you do what an idiot I am."

"Oh, well…good, I guess." She looked at me seriously. "Are you feeling better?"

I slipped the Mirror Shield onto my arm and drew the Master Sword. "Much. After all, once this is over, I'm going after Ganon."


	17. Two Hot Women and One Cool One

17. Two Hot Women (and One Cool One)

Sun switches, Beamos, Skulltulas, and a vertical gauntlet of death. It was an extremely high wall, with moving bits that were hard to hold onto, and spikes on either side. After three tries I realized I could use the Longshot to bypass the whole thing, which I did, cursing myself mentally.

In the hall beyond it I found a Triforce symbol on the ground, which obviously meant: play Zelda's Lullaby. Seriously, the people who made these things had _no_ imagination.

There were some flaming slugs to kill, then a fake door to the left of a flaming chest to bomb, and an eye switch to find. I shot it, then used the Longshot to reach some ice blocks above.

I hit another switch to extinguish the fire, then opened the chest to find a Big Scary Key. Down the hall to the right there was a room with several Psycho Pots and a crystal switch through some bars to hit, then a door to enter. The next room had a trio of White Bubbles flying spastically around the room. I killed them, then bombed the wall on the left.

There was a huge mirror beyond it, which I turned until it shone into the room beyond, then entered the next room and turn that mirror so that it shone through the bars and into the first room. Then I went back through all those rooms to the first room and hopped down under the diagonal mirror. I shone that light onto the nearby sun switch to lower the platform that I was standing on. It put me right in the middle of the huge room with the snake-legged goddess statue.

I couldn't really tell what that had to do with anything, but I shone the light directly on the face of the goddess.

Much to my surprise, the goddess's face crumbled to bits, revealing that it was really more like a cobra with a door in its mouth. Very creepy. Anyway, I used the Longshot on the door, which opened as soon as I landed.

"This is beyond weird," Navi muttered.

"You stole my line," I replied.

She laughed and we went through the door. I stopped suddenly.

Before us were the two old hags that had kidnapped Nabooru.

"Ho ho ho! Looks like someone is here, Koume," one said.

"Hee hee hee! Looks like it, Kotake!" the other replied.

"What an outrageous fellow he is, to intrude so boldly into our Temple... Ho ho ho!"

"We should teach this outrageous fellow a lesson! Hee hee hee!"

There was a pounding noise in my ears and I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my blood. Something about these witches just rubbed me the wrong way, and in my teenage-guy sensibility, I decided to destroy what I didn't like.

Besides, they worked for Ganon.

Twinrova, probably noticing that I wasn't intimidated, or even listening to them, sicked an Iron Knuckle on me and disappeared.

"Oh, loyal minion..."

"Destroy this intruder on our behalf!"

"I think I hate those old ladies," I said, drawing Biggoron's Sword.

"Me too," Navi agreed. "Now kill their minion."

This Iron Knuckle had slightly different armor from the last two, and a cape. It also seemed a bit shorter, and was a little faster. These weren't big differences, but made the fighting different. The Iron Knuckle moved clunkily, almost stumbling once or twice. I took advantage of these lapses to chop at the gaps in the armor and sever some of the bindings. This seemed to panic the Knuckle, which rushed at me and tried to take my head off.

I returned the favor.

Navi gasped.

I turned around and stared as the Iron Knuckle's helmet fell to the ground, and Nabooru's head was visible above the iron armor. As I watched the rest of the armor fell clanking to the ground, followed by Nabooru, who fell to her knees.

"Wh-what just…" she looked around, eyes eventually latching on to me. "That you kid?"

"Nabooru!" I exclaimed, my mouth finally catching up with my brain. Damn. She was even hotter than I'd remembered.

"It _is _you. But you're so…" she looked me up and down. "How long have I been out of it?"

"Just slightly longer than I have." I started helping her to her feet. "Come on, we've got to get you out of here before-"

"Before what?" a voice cackled. Twinrova appeared, flying on their broomsticks and grinning awfully. "Before we come back?"

"Yes," my eyes narrowed and I drew the Master Sword. I turned my head just slightly and whispered, "Nabooru, run."

"Well, well... Looks like she's back to normal, Koume."

"She's just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo, Kotake."

"Maybe we should make her work for the great Ganondorf for a little while longer! Ho ho ho!

"Then we should brainwash her again! Hee hee hee!"

Nabooru ran, but the witches didn't even try to follow. "You think she's important anymore?" one of them said. "We can get her back any time. Getting rid of you is top priority."

"Is it?" I grinned. "What an honor."

"Well, not top priority. You're under finding the princess."

"And getting the rest of the Triforce."

"And keeping the people in line."

"And getting the sages."

"And catching that Sheikah kid. The annoying one. You know," she said to her sister.

"Yeah, I know. But right now we're taking care of _this_ annoying kid. Right?"

"Right!"

The witches tuned toward me and grinned. The hair of one of them burst into flame, and the other's hair suddenly turned into ice. I jumped in surprise.

"Look at that stupid kid! He came on his own to offer himself as a sacrifice to the great Ganondorf."

"With my flame, I will burn him to the bone!

"With my frost, I will freeze him to his soul!"

They turned and flew into the room beyond, and I chased after.

The room was large, and dark, and had a large middle pedestal with smaller ones all around. It also had very high ceilings so the witches could fly around easily. And they did. Twinrova, that's all I could think of to call them, seemed very full of themselves. I fully intended to pop their egos.

Unfortunately, I hadn't counted on the Sorcerous Sisters' sorcerousness (is that a word?). The flaming one threw a ball of fire at me, which I only barely managed to dodge.

I raised the Mirror Shield in time to block the second ball of fire. Some flames escaped around the edges, and I could smell my hair singeing, but most of the ball bounced off, flying at Twinrova.

The ice one dodged it frantically. "Watch it!" she shouted.

"It's not my fault!" her sister replied.

I got an idea. "Fire and ice," I murmured. "This is perfect." When the ice sister threw a giant ice ball at me, I simply ducked down, angled my shield, and bounced it into the fire one.

She screamed and fell slightly in the air.

"Absolutely perfect," I grinned.

Eventually, unfortunately, the Sorcerous Sisters got tired of this tactic.

"Okay, let's get serious now, Kotake!" one said.

"Oh, OK, Koume," the other replied.

"Kotake and Koume's Double Dynamite Attack!" they shouted together

They did something that looked suitably magical, and fused into one giant woman.

One giant, gorgeous, woman. With Gerudo-perfect curves, revealing clothing, and two pigtails, fire and ice.

I gasped and blushed as the giant woman winked at me, then reminded myself sharply that she was evil, and like a thousand years old.

The giant Twinrova amalgam was holding a broomstick in each hand, and she used one to throw a fireball at me. When I tried to block it it didn't bounce off, but seemed to be absorbed by the Mirror Shield, which began to vibrate slightly. The second fireball was also absorbed, but the third blast was ice, and when it hit the vibrating stopped. Not good.

Fire, ice, fire, ice, fire, ice. I dodged the fire ones and caught the ice, and on the third consecutive hit the ice shot back, hitting Twinrova dead-on, stunning her and knocking her down onto one of the pedestals.

I jumped across to the pedestal and hacked into her with the Master Sword. She woke as the sword bit into her flesh, leaping back into the air and having at me with fire and ice all over again.

The next time I got her with fire, and was determined to finish her off this time. The Bolero of Fire was dedicated to the power of the heart. How fitting, considering what had happened.

Twinrova collapsed on a different pedestal, and I rushed toward her. She may have looked up, right before I ran her through, but I may have imagined it. I leapt back onto the big platform, and was startled when the original Twinrova twins appeared in front of me.

"Shoot, what a fresh kid! This time, we'll get serious, right Kotake?"

"What? Hey Koume, what is that above your head?"

"I don't know, but you have one over your head too Kotake!"

"But I'm only 400 years old!"

"And I'm just 380 years old!"

"We're twins! Don't try to lie about your age!"

"You must have gone senile!"

"Who are you calling senile! Is that how you treat your older sister?"

"We are twins! How can you be older!"

"Keeeyaaah! How heartless you are!"

"How can you be so ungrateful!"

"You're heartless!"

"You ungrateful…"

"I'll come back to haunt you!"

Then they floated up into a blue light, leaving me alone. "That was…disturbing," I said.

"Wait, did they just go to heaven?" Navi exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes and stepped into the portal to the Chamber of the Sages.

"Hey kid, how the _hell_ did you do that?" Nabooru asked.

"_You're_ the Sage of Spirit!" I exclaimed. "_You_!"

"Yes." She crossed her arms and frowned at me. "Why not me?"

"Um, no reason. I guess…" I tried to remind myself that just because she belonged to a race of whores, was no reason for her not to be a Sage. "Hey, now you get to really take down Ganondorf!" My eyes widened with sudden realization. "Now _I_ get to really take down Ganondorf."

"By the way..." she rubbed her neck nervously. "I really messed up... I was brainwashed by those old witches and used by Ganondorf to do his evil will. But isn't it funny?" She grinned. "That a person like me could turn out to be the Sage of Spirit! And now, I'm going to fight them as one of the six Sages! Heh heh..." the grin turned wicked. "I'm going to pay them back for what they did to me!"

"Good for you," I said, unable to think of anything else to say.

"Kid... No... Link, the Hero of Time! Instead of keeping the promise I made back then, I give you this Medallion!" Nabooru passed me the Spirit Medallion and her power.

"Thanks Nabooru," I smiled.

Nabooru smiled back, rather wickedly. As I started to warp back to…wherever it was I would end up, I heard her say, "If only I knew you would become such a handsome man…I should have kept the promise I made seven years ago."

Now why did that make me think of Sheik?


	18. Holy Crap!

18. Holy Crap!

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

Sheik was Zelda. Zelda was Sheik.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

And if that wasn't bad enough, Zelda was drop-dead gorgeous. A sheet of blonde hair like silk fell around her shoulders and down her back. Her eyes were wide sapphires, containing the perfect blue of the sky on a summer day, Lake Hylia in spring, and the river all year round. Her dress, though rather fancy, clung to her thrilling curves in all the right places, but was just loose enough to tantalize the imagination. Her face was the work of angels, perhaps even the gods, with full soft lips, a high clear forehead, a button nose that had never quite lost its childish cuteness, and the ivory complexion of a true blonde.

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

And as if that wasn't bad _enough_, I was madly in love with both of them. As soon as I saw that Sheik and Zel were the same person, all of the thoughts and feelings I'd been having, the ones that hadn't made any sense, all the pieces of the puzzle just clicked into place. I was in love with Zelda. Head over heels, truly, deeply, totally insanely in love. Dammit.

Something about her complexion reminded me of something. Sheik, that was it. Sheik had been tan, but Zelda looked like she _couldn't_ tan. Her ivory complexion would fry in the sun without proper care. Now, I'm blond too, and I do burn, but I'm one of those people who burns, _then_ tans. Zelda would never tan.

Maybe that was why Sheik always kept his face covered and wore long sleeves and pants even in Death Mountain. Not to hide his face from view, but to hide Zelda's delicate features from the sun.

Now that I was looking for it, I saw other signs of Sheik in Zelda. There was a mostly-healed cut under her left eye, and another one on her right cheek. Her arms were a bit more muscular then one would expect a princess's to be, and there was some scar tissue on her left arm, just peeking from under her glove. Her eyes, which I had already compared to sapphires, held some of that stone's hardness in their depths.

zzz

Okay, flashback. Here's what happened before my world both turned upside down and started making sense again.

Right as I appeared back in normal space I heard a familiar voice in my head. "Link, can you hear me?"

"Rauru?"

"Yes, it is I. Link, you have awakened-"

"What are you doing in my head?"

"What? It is called telepathy, I have worked at the ability for-"

"Oh my god!" I realized something. "It was you!"

"What?"

"You're the one who put all that puberty info in my head!"

"Well, yes. I realized about a year ago that you would be awakening much older than you had been, and that you probably would not understand many things about your body once you did. So I took steps to inform you of the changes your body had went through, and was still going through."

I didn't say anything.

"I thought it would be helpful."

"It was, it was, but… You went in my head!"

"Link, please listen. Finally, all of us, the six Sages, have been awakened. The time for the final showdown with the King of Evil has come. Before that, though, you should meet the one who is waiting for you at the Temple of Time." And then he was gone.

"One?" I repeated. And my mind prayed, _Zelda_!

So I played the Prelude of Light, warped to the Temple of Time, and whirled around so fast it made me dizzy, looking for someone, anyone, Zelda.

Sheik.

"Sheik!" I exclaimed. "What are you- Why did you-" I shook my head. "Look, we need to talk."

"Later." Sheik looked very sad, but was smiling a little. "First I have some stuff to say.

"If you would seek the sacred triangle, listen well... The resting place of the sacred triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart...the heart of one who enters it... If an evil heart, the Realm will become full of evil; if pure, the Realm will become a paradise. The Triforce...the sacred triangle...it is a balance that weighs the three forces: Power, Wisdom and Courage. If the heart of the one who holds the sacred triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one's heart is not in balance, the Triforce will separate into three parts: Power, Wisdom and Courage. Only one part will remain for the one who touched the Triforce...the part representing the force that one most believes in. If that one seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the two lost parts. Those two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the backs of their hands.

"Seven years ago, Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time and entered the Sacred Realm. But when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. The one who has the Triforce of Courage…is you Link!"

At that exact moment I felt a vibrating in my left hand, and looked at the back of it. The Triforce was shining through my glove, with one of the three triangles brightest. This was getting weird.

And the other, who holds the Triforce of Wisdom..." Sheik was saying, "is the seventh Sage, who is destined to be the leader of them all..."

He took a deep breath, then held his hand in front of him. It glowed suddenly, with such a bright light that it temporarily blinded me, and when I turned back…

"It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda." She took another deep breath, this one far more interesting. "I- I apologize for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil. Please forgive me…I-" She looked at me for a moment, then turned away. "I passed myself off as a Sheikah and hoped that you would return. I waited for seven years. Link I'm…such an idiot!"

Of course, I didn't hear any of this. As soon as I saw that Sheik was Zelda, my thoughts went something like this: 'Oh crap, Sheik is Zelda! Oh _crap_, Zelda's gorgeous! Oh CRAP, I totally love her!' Then I just thought, crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

I started going through every moment with Sheik, everything he'd ever said to me and everything I'd ever said to him. Suddenly a lot more made sense.

"A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days…"

"It is something that grows over time…a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes stronger over time… The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go… This song is dedicated to the power of the heart…"

"A childish mind will turn to noble ambition… Young love will become deep affection…"

"_YOU HAVE A FIANCÉE?_"

"I've got a legitimate reason for dumping her."

And of course, that kiss.

That kiss…

Then I remembered something else, something worse. Sitting in the Temple of Time, listing all my problems.

"Oh _god!_" I exclaimed. "I talked to you about _sex_!"

Zelda blinked, startled. She'd been talking the whole time. "Have you even been listening to me?"

"God!" I exclaimed again. My face was burning.

"Oh yeah, I remember that. Look, it was no big deal, it's not like I think any less of you or something."

"But- but-" I shook my head. "It was weird talking about it with Sheik, but _you_? You're a girl, and a princess besides, I just- It's so-"

"Calm down Link," Zelda smiled at me. "I'm still Sheik inside, just the appearance has changed."

"For the better."

Zelda blinked, then blushed prettily. "You really think so? I haven't seen myself in years so…"

"Trust me Zel," I smiled. "You've got nothing to worry about."

She smiled at me again, then shook her head as though to clear it. "Look, before I forget, you need to take these." From somewhere in her skirts she pulled out a bundle of arrows. "Light arrows," she said. "They destroy all evil monsters in one hit, and they're the only thing that will hurt Ganon from a distance."

She held them out to me, and I took them. As I did, my hand brushed hers, and I was suddenly sharply reminded of how very, very beautiful she was.

And how it had felt when she, or he, or whatever, kissed me.

Damn.

Zelda looked at me, a little smile on her face. "You know…no one's ever called me by a nickname before."

"Do- do you mind?" I asked, suddenly nervous.

She shook her head. "Not at all. Not at all…Link." The way she said my name sent a shiver through me, especially down below.

I gulped. I loved her so much. Why hadn't I seen this before? Was I really _that_ big of an idiot?

Maybe so.

Zel opened her soft full mouth to say something, I don't know what, but suddenly a blue sheath came down and no sound escaped it. I jumped back, startled, and stared helplessly as the blue crystal Zelda was encased in floated up and away.

She was shouting. I couldn't hear her, but her face was screwed up in anger and her mouth was moving in familiar patterns so I could guess what she was saying. Princess Zelda was cussing her head off.

"Princess Zelda, you foolish traitor," a voice said. That same voice from seven years ago, and about a week ago. "I commend you for avoiding me for seven long years, but you let your guard down. I knew you would reveal yourself if I let this kid wander around! My only mistake was to slightly underestimate the power of this kid…" he paused. "No…It was not the kid's power I misjudged, it was the power of the Triforce of Courage! But, with the Triforce of Wisdom that Zelda has…" he laughed, evilly. "When I obtain these two Triforces… Then, I will become the true ruler of the world!"

The crystal floated farther away, and began to shimmer, like it was disappearing. Zelda banged on the crystal walls and looked down at me, shouting my name. I shouted hers right back.

"If you want to rescue Zelda, come to my castle," Ganon said. Then the crystal, and Zelda, vanished completely.

"GANON!" I screamed, so loud my throat hurt. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS! YOU HEAR ME GODDAMMIT! I WILL KILL YOU!"


	19. Ganon’s Damn Castle

19. Ganon's Damn Castle

I ran. Feet pounding, lungs heaving for breath, I ran. I had only one goal in mind; saving Zelda. After that initial outburst I didn't even care about Ganon, except as an obstacle for saving Zelda. So I ran. As fast as was humanly possible. Towards Ganon's castle.

"Link!" Navi called, bobbing as fast as she could behind me, trying to keep up. "Calm down!"

"Calm down?" I shouted back, still running. "_Calm down_! Ganon kidnapped Zelda, and you want me to _calm down?_"

"Running in blindly is only going to get you killed. You don't know what Ganon's planning, he _told you_ to come to his castle, remember? It's gotta be a trap."

"So? I am _saving Zelda_, got it? That's all there is to it!" I kept running.

"But Link! There could be all kinds of traps around it, it's much too dangerous!"

"No Navi! No more talking, no more objections, just no more!"

"But-"

"What?" I turned my head and glared at her. "What is it now?"

"_Stop!_"

I skidded to a stop just before an enormous drop-off into a boiling lake of lava that surrounded the castle.

"That…was not there seven years ago," I said, staring at it. The castle was precariously perched on a dangerously thin column of rock in the middle of the lake, with no way out to it. "Damn! Dammit, now what am I supposed to do!"

"Do not despair Link," Rauru's voice said. "We six will gather our power to create a bridge to the castle where Ganondorf dwells... The castle's keep, which is known as Ganon's Tower, is protected by six evil barriers. Bring down the six barriers and save Princess Zelda!"

"Huh?" I whirled around. The sages, all of them, appeared around me. At Rauru's shouted order they all raised their arms in the air and I could feel power rush round me, across the gap.

A rainbow stretched from the spot where I was standing to the entrance to the castle. A very solid-looking rainbow.

"Thanks guys," I called. Then I got back to running.

Through the front doors, down a staircase, and past a couple of Beamos I found a huge room with six doors spaced around it, each with a different-colored medallion above it. I recognized those medallions.

There was a shield around the big column thing in the middle of the room, and the big column thing, I soon discovered, held the stairs I needed to go up. So, somehow, I had to break that shield.

It was connected to the medallions above the six doors by ropes of magic, so I figured I could probably find a way to break those ropes through the doors. I went through the one with the green medallion.

FOREST HALL -

I killed the Wolfos as quickly as possible, then used Din's Fire to light four torches nearby, and a fire arrow to light the one above the door.

In the next room there were some silver rupees to collect. I had to play the Song of Time and put on the Iron Boots to get one, then put on the Hover Boots and hover to the switch over by the other door. I hit it, then used the Longshot to reach the pillar with the target on it and the silver rupee above it. The other three rupees were relatively easy with the hover boots on.

Once I had all five the door opened and I went into a room with nothing but a green medallion surrounded by the same kind of magic stuff as the shield. I tried to hit it with the Master Sword, defeating evil and all, but couldn't reach. Then I remembered Zelda's last gift to me.

When I hit the medallion with a Light Arrow the shield shattered and I was surprised to see Saria.

"Hurry up, Link!" she said, clasping her hands.

"Right," I agreed. Then I was warped back into the big room. The thread that connected the shield to the Forest Hall was gone.

WATER HALL -

Ice Hall would have been more appropriate, but I'm not the one naming these things. Anyway, first I had to ice a couple of Freezards (bad pun, sorry) then melt some red ice with some blue fire (good thing I had an empty bottle). I refilled the bottle, since I'd probably need it, and went into the next room.

There were two ice blocks and one hole. I pushed the farther block to the right, then to the right again so that it hit the small block, then fell into the hole. Then I pushed the other block over the block in the hole so that it hit the other little block, then pushed it left and left again so that it went right straight into the small alcove on the left side of the room. I hopped up onto the ledge with the red ice and melted it with the blue fire, then hit the rusted switch with the Megaton Hammer and entered the next room.

There was the water Medallion, surrounded by a shield. I already knew what to do of course, so I shot it with a Light Arrow and braced myself for Ruto.

"Can you believe Sheik was a girl?" she said as soon as she saw me.

"Yes," I said simply.

"Oh. Well, hurry up!"

I did.

SHADOW HALL -

Completely arbitrarily, I went into the Shadow Hall next, but regretted it when I saw there was no floor. There was a chest off to the left but it didn't look important. I shot a fire arrow at a torch on the right side of the room, which activated some platforms between me and the central platform. I ran across, then scanned for something else. There was a switch off to the left, but no way to it that I could see.

That I could see.

I remembered what the Shadow Temple had been like, and what had been important in it. Sure enough, the Lens of Truth showed a path leading to the switch. I used the Megaton Hammer to smack it down, then went back to the main platform and shot the torch by the now unlocked door to reveal a trail of blocks leading down to another switch. I hit that one with the Megaton Hammer too, then used the Longshot to get to that chest.

Golden Gauntlets. Theoretically these would be stronger than the Silver Gauntlets, so I swapped them right away. The Lens of Truth had shown me another trail, this one leading to the door.

"Please save the Princess!" Impa told me when she appeared. I didn't need to be told twice.

FIRE HALL -

I put on the Goron Tunic, just in case, and when I stepped on the odd-shaped central platform and felt it sink under me, I quickly stepped off and put on the Hover Boots. This was a simple silver rupee puzzle, two of which were easy to get right away: one on the platform to the right (which tried to collapse under me) and one on the platform to the left (which had fire that moved around the platform and tried to burn me). The last three were rather odd. The first one was underneath a big huge pillar with a crescent symbol on it on the left side of the room. I hit it with the Megaton Hammer. Nothing. I put three bombs around it. Nothing. Well, I figured I might as well test out the new gauntlets.

At first, I didn't think I could do it. Even with the power of gold, that pillar was seriously heavy. But I heaved, and I strained, and I chucked that thing across the room. Yes! It actually wound up making a rather bumpy platform to the next rupee on an octagonal platform. Then I used the Hover Boots to reach the final silver rupee.

Through the door and shoot the Medallion.

"Hurry up, Brother!" Darunia said.

I am, I am.

SPIRIT HALL -

Five or six razor traps awaited me, along with a Beamos, a bunch of silver rupees, and some Armos statues. Damn. I had to run past the razor traps while collecting all five silver rupees, one of which was guarded by the Beamos. For the last two I had to pull the Armos statues away so that the razor traps moved across the room, giving me access to the rupees.

The next room had two crystal switches on the other side of a set of bars. I hit the first one with a spin attack, and got a chest containing a bunch of Bombchus. I stood directly in front of the other crystal switch and aimed the Bombchu straight through the hole at the top of the bars. With much trial and error I managed to make it run through the hole and hit the switch, opening the door onward.

The next room had four sun faces, but no sunlight. I shot a Fire Arrow at the cobwebs in the middle of the ceiling to let the sunshine in, then aimed the Mirror Shield at the sun face directly to the right of the doorway. I wanted to ignore the other three, but I've always been careful about these things. Unfortunately, they only hid Wallmasters.

"Hurry up, kid!" Nabooru told me when I shot her medallion.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

LIGHT HALL -

Last hall, okay. I was so close now I could almost smell Zelda's hair. She smelled like dried flowers, maybe with a dried orange peel and some cinnamon sticks thrown in, or at least Sheik did.

Except that the last hall was blocked by one of those huge pillars. Okay, fine. I chucked the huge thing into the keep, where it crumbled.

Through the door I was attacked by invisible enemies. I hardly needed the Lens of Truth to beat them, since all I had to do was attack blindly. There was a skulltula in the center of the rook, and Navi pointed out some keese on top of the small treasure chests. Navi hadn't said much of anything since we'd got in here, and I got the feeling she was being quiet on purpose. Something was on her mind, but I didn't have time for it. Once all the enemies were gone, a chest containing a key appeared in the center. The other chests didn't have anything important.

In the next room I had to play Zelda's Lullaby to make a chest appear. Easy.

The room beyond that had a rather disorienting silver rupee puzzle. It had two boulders rolling around three walls arranged in a Y pattern. Two were in the Y shape, one was on top, and the other two were in small alcoves around the edge of the room. I dodged them, and went through the right door.

I had my bow out and was ready to shoot the Light Medallion, but it wasn't in there.

"Floormaster!" Navi exclaimed. I rolled away from it, rather badly since I was holding a bow, and I would have run into the wall if it had been real. Instead I rolled right through it and found the Light Medallion.

"Hurry!" Rauru bid me.

"Believe me, I am," I said, grinding my teeth.

zzz

When I got back to the main room for the last time, the shield around the keep shattered, finally giving me access to the tower.

Music was the first thing I noticed. Very faint music, from very far away, but I could hear it. Then I noticed the six Fire Keese, and three more guarding the staircase. I shot them all down, then went up the staircase in the direction of the music.

It was organ music, I decided. Very dark, solemn, but also very creepy. The next room had two Dinolfos, which weren't too difficult. The room above them had two Stalfos and a flaming chest. I killed the two Stalfos, then opened the chest to get the Boss Key.

I was killing very methodically, I noticed. I was hardly even thinking about it, just killing. Usually I at least felt _something_ when I destroyed a life, but now, trying to save Zelda, I just didn't care.

That might have been a good thing, since in the next room I found not one, but TWO Iron Knuckles. I woke one at a time and chopped them to bits with the Biggoron Sword.

Once they were gone, I climbed the next staircase and opened the door. The organ music was getting louder and louder. It had a sort of savage undercurrent, rather disturbing. You can tell a lot about a person from the kind of music they like, and especially how they play. I should know, music's been very important to me ever since all this began, and I think they way he played is part of why I fell for Sheik. This music though, would not make anyone fall for anyone. It was mean.

It was Ganon.

In the next room I found a bunch of pots, a wall that I could probably climb, louder organ music, and another door. I ignored the pots, entered the next door and climbed the last staircase.

It was time.


	20. King of Evil

20. King of Evil

As soon as I saw Ganondorf I tensed, ignoring the vibrating in my hand. I did not attack him, or even make any sound, but I was sure he already knew I was there. Instead, I scanned the room. There was an organ at one end, where Ganondorf sat playing, and above it was the crystal with Zelda in it. I met her eyes, and she mouthed something I couldn't make out.

Suddenly, Ganondorf pounded on the organ, making enough noise to distract me from Zelda. "The Triforce parts are resonating," he said, turning, "they are combining into one again. The two Triforce parts that I could not capture on that day seven years ago, I did not expect they would be hidden within you two, and now, finally, all the Triforce parts have gathered here! These toys are too much for you, I command that you give them to me at once!"

Then he floated up into the air, reared back as though to attack, and hurled a huge ball of light at me. At me! I dodged it, rolling out of the way, but the attack had dislodged a lot of the floor and I almost went over the edge.

"Link!" Navi wailed. "I can't help you! Because of the waves of darkness, I can't get close! I'm sorry, Link!"

I didn't have time to worry about that, so soon as I got up I jumped the gap from the main part of the floor in the middle, to the edges that still clung to the wall. Looking down, I could see why only that part of the floor had fell: the middle was supported by a big column, which I had previously identified as a wall that I could probably climb.

I didn't have a lot of time to be marveling at the architecture though, because Ganondorf reared back again and seemed to suck up all the light in the room. Something about that attack was…familiar. Very, very, familiar.

When he threw the ball of light at me I deflected it with the Master Sword and knocked it back at him. He blocked it with his cape and knocked it back at me. It went on like this for awhile, and I was starting to lose my fine muscle control, thanks to my good friend adrenaline.

Luckily so was he, and he just barely missed hitting the ball of light on our umpteenth volley. He cried out and froze, vulnerable. Quickly, I pulled out my bow and a Light arrow. My hands were cramping from gripping the sword too tight, but I gritted my teeth and concentrated. I could. Not. Miss.

I didn't. Ganondorf bellowed with pain and sank down to the ground, where I ran up to him and hacked into his arm with the Master Sword. He bellowed again and knocked me back, but I got up and jumped into the corner of the room, one of the few places the floor would not collapse under me. There I waited for Ganondorf to attack.

He didn't make me wait long.

He reared back in the air and collected energy, but it took him much longer this time, and the ball of light was different color. So when he threw it, I ran.

The attack struck the ground where I had been only moments before, and it took a lot of the floor with it, even some of the floor I was trying to run on. But I managed to get to another corner safely, where I turned fast enough to make me dizzy and raised my sword just in time to deflect another ball of light like the first one.

Back and forth, back and forth, I was sure I would be the one to slip up this time. After all, there was no way I could be intimidating Ganondorf as much as he was intimidating me. Right?

But I was not the one to slip up this time, he was. I had been seconds away from being too tense to do this kind of careful fighting, but it seemed he had been even closer. Maybe it was because I was younger, or because I was on the side of good, either way he messed up, and I took full advantage of it.

I wasn't going to let him get up again, no way, so I aimed the Light arrow for his vitals. I missed, but I still hit him and knocked him to the ground. I ran up too him even faster than I thought I could, and used my momentum to drive the Master Sword right through his chest and out the other side. I twisted it as I pulled it out of him, and from his harsh breathing I knew I had hit the mark.

"…You…little… How could a kid like you…do this to me? Well…I won't let it end like this…No!" he coughed, and blood splattered the ground in front of him. "No…" he said again, then collapsed.

The tower rumbled, and the walls and ceiling collapsed. I dodged the falling debris as I ran toward where Zelda's crystal was coming down. As soon as it touched the ground it shattered, and I was there to catch the princess it had held.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," she replied, smiling rather sheepishly. She got to her feet and stared at the remains of the crystal. "That…was not the smartest thing I've ever done."

"Probably not," I agreed, smiling. She was safe, that was all that mattered.

"Oh well," she sighed. "They say love makes fools out of everybody."

A shock ran through me as I realized what she'd said. Zelda clapped her hands to her mouth and looked at me with wide frightened eyes, but I just smiled. For the first time in seven years, I felt in control of the situation.

"I guess that explains why I've been such a fool lately," I said. Zelda's eyes widened even more, but before she could say anything the tower rumbled again.


	21. He’s Not Fcking Dead Yet!

21. _He's Not Fscking Dead Yet?_

"Ganondorf, pitiful man,"" Zelda said, looking toward him. "Without a strong, righteous mind, he could not control the power of the gods...and... Wait a second." She stepped away from me and peered at the ground where he'd fallen. "Where is he?"

"What?" I looked too, Ganondorf wasn't there. "He's gone!"

The ground shook again, insistently. "And now he's trying to bring the castle down around us!"

"What!" I exclaimed again.

"Here," Zelda took my hand and closed her eyes, and I felt a wave of soothing energy roll through me. My hands weren't shaking anymore, my muscles weren't so tense they felt like they might pop, I just felt…good.

"I didn't know you could do that," I said, smiling at her.

Zelda smiled back, and I noticed she hadn't released my hand. Then the castle rumbled again and she swore.

It startled me at first, hearing Zelda swear. She looked like a princess, not the type of person you expect to hear muttering curses under their breath as they pick their way through rubble to the edge of a tower. But she was doing exactly that, with her skirt hiked up almost to her knees.

"Come on!" she called. "There's a path!"

I followed after her, and sure enough there was a path, a very dangerous-looking one that wound its way around the outside of the tower without anything to stop someone from simply going over the edge. "We have to go down _that_?" I asked, dismayed.

The tower rumbled again.

"Never mind." I grabbed Zel's elbow and pulled her after me. "Let's get out of here."

Zelda laughed merrily, but stopped when pieces of the wall started falling around us.

After that, we just ran. I was careful to stay on the outside edge of the path, between Zelda and the drop. It was an unconscious thing, I didn't even notice it at first, but it felt so natural to protect her.

The path curved through the castle at one point, but it was blocked by iron bars. Zelda paused and did something magical, and the bars rose up. We charged through the castle, paused while Zelda raised some more bars, then kept on charging.

The next time we had to go indoors I accidentally got ahead of Zel, but stopped when I heard her swear loudly behind me. I turned and saw that she was surrounded by fire, but before I could do anything TWO Stalfos appeared and tried to kill me. I got rid of them as fast as I could, then rushed to Zelda.

"Damn," she muttered, trying to beat out some flames on her skirt. "This was brand new."

"You okay?" I asked.

"Fine, come on." She grabbed my hand and pulled me to the next set of bars.

Then we went back to charging through. We were going so fast, so intent on escaping, that I didn't even notice the ReDeads on the bridge above the Water Hall until we were past them.

Finally we reached the exit, and ran as far from the castle as we could without taking a lava swim. Then we turned and looked back as Ganon's Castle shuddered, fell to pieces, and collapsed in on itself, leaving nothing but black ruins.

"It's over," Zelda sighed. "It's finally over."

Then she looked at me, and I looked at her. She reached out and took my hand, and we stepped closer together.

"Zel, I was…so worried," I said.

"So was I," she replied. "You've taken such huge risks…" She bit her lip, before saying, "Link, I-"

There was a sound from among the ruins, of something large toppling over.

"What was that?" Zel exclaimed.

I drew my sword and released her hand. "I don't know." I walked out among the ruins, on alert. There didn't seem to be anything out there, so I started to turn back.

Then something struck me hard from behind and sent the Master Sword flying. It stuck in the ground, not far from Zelda, and was immediately surrounded my flames.

"Oh hell," I muttered. I clambered to my feet and looked behind me. "Oh _hell_," I muttered again. What I can only describe as a gigantic pig of evil stood behind me, wielding two enormous swords.

"There's no way he's going to hold me back again!" Navi cried. "This time, we fight together!" She bobbed off behind him, leaving me to dodge.

Ganon, for that's who it had to be, roared and swung at me with one of his swords. I managed to roll away, but things were looking desperate. If Ganon had survived both being run through _and_ the castle collapsing on him, what hope did I have to defeat him like _this_? All I could really do was dodge.

"Link!" I rolled away from another attack and popped up beside Navi. "His tail!" Navi said. "It's his weak point!"

"You're the best Navi," I grinned. Then I pulled out my bow and shot a Light Arrow in his face.

While he was temporarily blinded I ran around behind him and slashed at the ball on the end of his tail with Biggoron's sword. He bellowed with rage and pain and whirled around, where I was ready with another Light Arrow. I got a couple of good blows in on the tail before Ganon recovered this time, but instead of turning to face me he swung with his sword first and I had to dodge. But I dodged into a better place to shoot his face.

After a few more blows I somehow wound up close to Zelda and the Master Sword. "How you doing?" she asked.

"Not bad. Not really," I answered. "Can you do anything to get the Sword out?"

"I'm trying," she said. "If you keep him busy I should be able to bring down the flames."

"Thanks," I flashed her a smile then ran back close to Ganon, to draw him away from her.

For what seemed like hours I fought Ganon. I was getting winded, and though he hadn't landed many blows, the ones that had landed had done a fair amount of damage. He was taking damage as well though, my pounding on his tail couldn't be helpful and he seemed to be getting slower. It was a very good thing he was slower, since my feet were dragging, and every time I went down I just wanted to stay down, but I wouldn't.

Finally, when I had started dreaming about running down the castle, I heard a shout. "Link!" Zelda called. I turned and saw her holding the Master Sword. "Catch!" she chucked it at me and automatically, I caught it.

"Ancient Creators of Hyrule! Now, open the sealed door and sens the Evil Incarnation of Darkness into the void of the Evil Realm!" Zelda shouted. Then she turned to me. "Link! Finish him off with the sword of time, the Master Sword!"

Ganon was looming over me, but I now held the instrument of his defeat. I leapt in to the air, higher than I thought possible, and brought the sword that can destroy evil right down between his eyes.


	22. The End

22. The End

I dropped to the ground, leaving the sword in Ganon. He just stood there, stunned if not dead, certainly not moving.

"Six Sages, now!" Zelda shouted. I didn't know what she was talking about, but it seemed momentous from her tone of voice. "Oh sealed door opened by the Sages... Close forever with the Evil Incarnation of Darkness within!"

The Sages appeared at six points around Ganon, making a heptagon with Zelda. They all did something with their arms, and light poured from each of them, hitting Ganon. His head was thrown back even more than it had been, but then the light blinded me and I could see no more.

zzz

I heard a voice, though I could not see.

"YOU... CURSE YOU…ZELDA! CURSE YOU…SAGES! CURSE YOU…LINK! Someday... When this when this seal is broken... That is when I will exterminate your descendants! As long as the Triforce of Power is on my hand…"

zzz

When I opened my eyes I was in a place I had never seen before, with Zelda. We didn't seem to be standing on anything, just clouds, but whatever was beneath my feet was plenty solid. "Where is this place?" I asked.

"Somewhere we can be alone." Zelda looked at me, seemed to be drinking in my features. "Link…you did it. You defeated Ganondorf, you saved Hyrule, I don't think anyone will ever forget you, I…I know I won't."

"What do you mean?" I asked sharply.

"You…don't belong here Link. This isn't your world." She bit her lip and looked away. "I wish it didn't have to be like this, I swear I do, but…but I want what's best for you, and you deserve to live the part of your life that was taken from you. You have to close the Door of Time. Close to road between the times. Go home. Home...where you are supposed to be...the way you are supposed to be..."

"You're sending me back?" My heart sank. "But Zel-"

"Please don't make this any harder than it already is," Zel snapped. "Just…just give me the Ocarina of Time and you can get back to your life." I tried to say something, but she cut me off. "I will work here, to rebuild Hyrule. I'll miss you, more than you can imagine, but it'll be all right."

"No it won't," I said softly.

"What?" Zelda looked at me, surprised.

"It won't be all right," I repeated. "I know you Zel, it'll be awful for you, but I know you're strong, and eventually it'll be okay. Not all right, but okay."

"So…you agree?"

"That I have to go back?" She nodded. "I guess. If you say that's how it has too be, I'll go along with it. I won't lie to you, part of me really wants to go back, to go home. But most of me… Dammit Zel!"

She blinked in surprise.

"Before I go, I have to say one thing."

"Link-"

I started digging in my pack for the Ocarina. "Don't try and stop me okay? I have to get this out before I lose my nerve." I took a deep breath. "I love you Zel, with all my heart and soul."

Zelda inhaled sharply and her eyes widened.

"I think I've loved you since the moment I met you, but it took me longer than it should have to realize it. I loved Sheik too, and I don't have to tell you how much that messed me up." I smiled wryly. "The moment I saw who you really were, this incredible weight dropped off me, but then an even bigger one dropped on, because I knew I loved you, and I knew it was doomed." I reached out and pressed the Ocarina into her hand. "Now send me back before I do something I'll regret."

Zelda was looking at me with wide eyes, shining with tears. "Damn you," she whispered. "Why do you have to do this _now_?"

"Was I supposed to do it some other time?"

She shook her head, and the tears spilled down her cheeks. "No, but it's so hard now…"

I looked at her seriously. "Zel, right now I want to do something that I know I shouldn't do. And unless you send me back fast, I'll do it."

Zelda looked at me. Then she smiled. "Don't tempt me."

"I'm trying not to."

"I love you."

I blinked.

"Goodbye Link."

She put the Ocarina to her lips and played, and I lost sight of her. White filled my vision, I could see nothing else, but I kept thinking of Zelda, and the way she'd looked at me.

I'd just given up something most men would give their left nut to get.

Damn.

When my vision cleared I stood in the Temple of Time, my younger self once again. I started to leave, but Navi stopped me.

"Link," she said simply.

I stopped and turned.

"I've got to go."

"What?" I exclaimed. "Where?"

"Away. I'm sorry Link, I should have told you before."

"Told me what? What's going on?"

"I'm leaving, for good."

"What! No way Navi, you can't-"

"I said I was sorry, okay? Look," she bobbed angrily, "I had a life before I met you, before the Great Deku Tree charged me with your care. You've saved the world and fulfilled your destiny, you don't need me anymore."

"But…I like you," I said lamely.

"I know Link," she sighed. "I like you too. But it's like I said, I had a life of my own, and it's time I went back to it. You should go back to yours too."

For a moment I didn't say anything. "Bye Navi."

"Bye Link." Then she spiraled up and away, out the window.

I was losing everyone lately, everyone I cared about. I started to walk out of the Temple, but in mid-step something hit me.

I hadn't lost everyone.

zzz

I ran, quickly and soundlessly. When I got to places where I had to stop and wait, I stopped and waited, but whenever I could I ran. Following that familiar path and running as fast as I could, soon I came to the garden.

I slowed to a walk when I saw what was at the other end of the garden, stopping at the foot of the stairs and waiting until she turned.

"Hi," I said, at a loss for words.

"Hi," Zelda replied, equally lost.

For a moment we stared at each other, then…

"Link!" Zelda cried, flying towards me.

"Zel!" I cried right back.

Suddenly our arms were around each other and we were laughing, crying, jumping up and down, spinning around, babbling incoherently, acting like, well, children. Someone was crying "Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!" over and over again. I realized eventually that it was me.

After an eternity of hyperactive joy at our reunion, Zelda and I pulled apart, looked at each other, and laughed. "Okay," I said, wiping my eyes, "that was fun."

Zel nodded, still laughing. "I was afraid I'd never see you again."

"So was I." I took Zelda's hand and held it up between us. "But neither of us ever have to be afraid of that again."

And, for almost two months, we weren't.


	23. After the End

23. After the End

"It wasn't a dream," Zelda said firmly, some time later. We were sitting on the steps in her garden, and Zel was explaining how she remembered everything. "No matter how vivid my dreams have gotten, they've never lasted for seven years, or involved stuff like going to sleep, dreaming about other stuff, and waking up in the morning with a hangover."

"When did you have a hangover?" I exclaimed.

"That's not important," Zelda brushed me aside. "What is important is that I remember everything, but no one else seems to."

"What do you mean?"

"When I tried to ask Impa what had happened, and explained to her what I remembered, she thought I was feverish and wanted to send me back to bed! And she was a sage and everything!"

"Hey," I said, latching on to something positive, "you think this means Ruto's forgotten me too?"

"Focus Link!" Zel snapped. "So far, you and I are the only ones who remember what happened, and I'm the only one who remembers most of it, so we've got to make sure that something like this never happens again!"

"Zel."

Instantly she melted. It's always nice to know you have that kind of effect on a girl.

"Calm down, okay? No one's going to get at the Triforce while it's in our hands, and even if they got our parts, Ganondorf's not going anywhere."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She leaned over and snuggled up next to me. "You know, I used to dream of being able to do this."

I stifled a laugh. I had mentally compared Zelda's dreams to my own, and realized that only hers would be coming true for the next few years.

"Hey Link?"

"Hmm?" I looked down at her.

"I want to do something, while I'm still feeling like a woman."

"Huh?"

Zel grabbed my face with both hands, pulled my head down and kissed me on the mouth.

Zelda, as I believe I've said before, is a very good kisser, and this kiss was even better than the first, because I didn't have to feel all conflicted about it. Since we were both only ten years old the kiss was rather chaste, but it held the promise of what could be, once we were old enough for it.

When she released me she was blushing a little, and I'm sure I was too, but we looked at each other and laughed and the awkwardness faded.

I began to look forward to the rest of my life.

zzz

For the next two months, things were all right. I went back to the Kokiri forest and pretended nothing had changed. Saria acted a bit oddly around me at first, perhaps residual memories from her time as a sage, but that faded and my life got back to normal. With one big difference.

I didn't stick around. I visited Zelda often, as often as I could, and I wandered around the rest of Hyrule on a regular basis. I made friends with Malon and Epona again. I got a job with the Happy Mask Salesman. I became proficient at Bombchu bowling, and even took Zelda a few times. Once I managed to sneak her out of the castle for the weekend, and I introduced her to all my friends.

That, in retrospect, may have been the beginning of the end. When Zelda got back from that little excursion she got in an enormous amount of trouble and was confined to the castle for a week. And even after her punishment was over her lessons were doubled and she had almost no free time, and certainly no time for me.

So I spent more and more of my time wandering aimlessly around the country. When Epona got big enough I started wandering with her. And even though I didn't have anything in particular to do, I neglected my friends. One in particular, I hadn't seen once since I came back. A skull kid, the one I given a skull mask to.

Then, almost two months after I returned to my proper age, I went into the Lost Woods and was informed he had gone missing some time ago. The other skull kids were worried, or at least as worried as they ever get, so I went out searching.

I found something, but not what I'd been looking for. I found a hole in Hyrule, that led to another place entirely.

zzz

It was called Termina, and I spent a grand total of three days there. Those three days got very repetitive after I'd lived them for the fifth time, and after the twelfth time I just wanted to give up and let the moon crash into the place. But I didn't. Goddamn heroic instinct.

I won't give you the details (maybe someday I'll write an account of what happened, but not today) but after I got swallowed by the moon and beat the crap out of that possessed mask, I managed to get out of there.

But not back to Hyrule. The hole I'd found this time led to a world called Holodrum, and I spent three weeks trying to find a hole there. That hole led me to Labrynna. The next one, to an empty island that didn't seem to have a name. I spent _eight years _dimension-hopping, trying to get home, but it never seemed to work.

Some of the worlds I visited were what I liked to call mirror-worlds, where every person in them was the double of someone in another world. Termina was a mirror of Hyrule, but some of the others were mirrors of other places.

When I was eleven I started to get depressed.

When I was twelve I tried to force myself to stop hoping, but failed miserably.

When I was thirteen I met my first Zelda-double. As soon as I got out of there, I bought pants.

When I was fourteen I spent some time in a world full of mechanical contraptions, where the sky was full of greasy clouds and the water had to be boiled before you could drink it. I put the blame on the fact that that world didn't have a Deku Tree, or a Maku Tree, or even fairies. And the people all had small round ears. It took a long time to find a hole there. I think the closer a world is to science, the farther away it is from other worlds.

When I was fifteen I got my ears pierced. No real reason for it, but it was the latest fad in the world I happened to be in. Plus, Zelda had told me she thought it had looked tough. And I still couldn't stop hoping.

When I was sixteen I ran into a tribe not unlike the Gerudos. They wanted to keep me, but this time I actually _was _saving myself for someone, so I got out of there as fast as I could.

When I was seventeen, I came to your world. I did some research, then passed myself off as an exchange student from Ukraine. Luckily I had picked up a few words in other languages during my travels, so when people asked me to cuss in Ukrainian, I could fake it.

This was several years ago, and the game _The Legend of Zelda: the Ocarina of Time _had just been released. The young son of the family I was staying with was a big video game fan, so of course he had it. He tried to teach me to play, but having lived through the experiences sort of messed with my perceptions, and resulted in my dying. Often.

I was stuck in your world for about six months. Like I said before, science-worlds are hard to get out of. I learned a lot there, but the biggest thing I learned was that no game-figure could ever measure up to the real Zelda, so I doubled my efforts to get out.

When I was eighteen, I finally made it back to Hyrule, and to Zel.

She was never going to forgive me for this.


	24. Zelda

24. Zelda

Sneaking into the castle was simple. I had to use a different route than the one I'd used eight years ago, since I was too big to crawl through that drain, but I knew the castle well enough that I made it without being caught anyway.

I had a vague idea of peeking in Zelda's bedroom window, just to see if she was there, then going to her garden and staying put until she came. I made it to her window without trouble, then peered inside.

She was changing!

Reflexes took over and I hit the deck so fast I knocked the air from my lungs, then lay on the ground, gasping, for a few moments before I heard a thrillingly familiar voice say, "Link?"

Nervously, I looked up. Zelda was looking down at me, now thankfully fully dressed, with a surprised look on her face.

I got to my feet and bushed the dirt off as best I could. "Um, hi, uh, your Highness." I made an awkward bow, and when I looked back at her Zelda was glaring at me with more venom than a poisonous snake.

"Don't you dare," she said, voice harsh, "don't you dare ever call me that. I'm called that by people I've known since I was a baby and people I've never even met. Don't you dare treat me like I'm a title."

I blinked, then grinned. "Sorry Zel, but I thought a certain amount of ceremony was more than appropriate, given the circumstances."

Zelda blinked too, then burst out laughing. "I can't believe you remembered that! After all these years…" She look at me sharply, as though she'd just remembered something. "Where the _hell _have you been!"

"That's kind of a long story, but believe me, I was trying to get back to you the whole time."

"You better have been!" She stepped back from the window. "Now get in here."

"What, through the window?"

"I've waited a grand total of _fifteen years _for you, now get in here before I drag you in!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

Almost before I was completely through the window, Zelda grabbed me by the front of my shirt and pulled me to her, kissing me fiercely. From the way her mouth and hands pulled at me, hungrily, I knew exactly what she had in mind. Quickly, I shrugged off my pack and my weapons and wrapped my arms around her waist. I let my hands play along her body, drifting up and down, reveling in the feeling of her in my arms.

I'd never been able to hold her like this, and I'd started to think I'd never be able to. Zelda clutched at me desperately, as though afraid I'd go away again. Little did she know that I intended to hold her like this for all of eternity, and never ever let go.

Somehow we ended up on her bed, but before any clothes could even be rumpled, much less taken off, there was a knocking sound and I heard Impa's voice call, "Your Highness?"

Zelda swore. I climbed off her and she got up, fixing her dress. "Is my hair messed up?" she asked.

"A little, here," I came over and smoothed it down for her, getting lost in her eyes as I finished.

"Your Highness?" Impa called again.

Guiltily Zelda and I jumped away from each other. This wasn't exactly the reunion I'd planned, but I hadn't taken into account 'The Princess Factor.' Zelda didn't really have time to devote to me.

"Come on," Zelda grabbed my hand and pulled me through her bedroom door, into the antechamber. She sat me down in a chair on one side of a tiny table, and sat in the other one herself.

"Your Highness!" Impa's voice was insistent now, and it was a good thing we were ready.

"Come in," Zel called, and Impa did, doing the slightest of double-takes upon seeing me.

"Your father is waiting for your decision Princess," she said to Zelda, ignoring me. "Are you ready?"

"Completely," Zelda got to her feet and swept imperiously toward the door. "Wait for me here, will you Link? This shouldn't take but a moment." She disappeared out the door, and Impa shut it behind her.

But she stayed in the room with me.

"Link, was it?" she asked.

"Um, yes."

"Don't say 'um.' It makes you sound like a bumpkin."

"Oh, sorry."

She looked me up and down, rather suspiciously. "You're a mess. The princess didn't throw you in the dirt did she?"

I looked down. There was still some grass and dirt stuck to my clothes. "No, that was… something else."

"As long as she was behaving like a lady."

I stifled a laugh.

"I heard that."

I clammed up.

"She has missed you," Impa said, "a great deal."

"I've missed her too. A great deal."

"Hmm," was Impa's only answer.

For some time there was silence in the room. I could tell Impa knew what was going on, or at least part of it, but didn't know what to say about it. She probably wanted to give me a 'facts of life' speech, but knew I was too old for it.

So in the end, she settled for a threat. She walked toward me, slowly and menacingly, the put a hand on the tiny table and leaned over me. "If you hurt her, in any way, shape, or form, I will tear off each of your appendages, starting with the shortest. Understood?"

"Perfectly," I said calmly. "But I would sooner castrate _myself _then harm Zelda."

Impa looked at me in surprise. "You're serious," she exclaimed.

"Completely."

Impa straightened up and moved away from me, so she was at a normal distance. "Then we'll get along just fine."

At that moment the door opened and Zelda reappeared. "All done!"

Impa stared at her. "Already? If you've made the decision I think you have, your father should have argued."

"Oh, he did. But I left before he finished. He's not going to change my mind, so why should I have to listen to him try?"

I resisted the urge to applaud. I didn't know what was going on, but Zelda's logic was impeccable.

"But your Highness! This boy is-"

"Not a part of what I told my father."

"Wait, what about me?" I interrupted. "I just got here like ten minutes ago, what do I have to do with anything?"

"Nothing Link," Zelda sat down in the chair opposite me. "I told my father I don't want to get married. Not ever. _I'm _the one that's going to rule Hyrule, not my husband."

Once again, I resisted the urge to applaud. If anyone had the experience needed to rule a country, it was my Zel.

"But what about…" Impa pointed at me.

"Link?" Zel looked at me. "You don't want to be king, do you Link?"

"_Hell _no."

"If he married me, he would have to be. I love him to much to do that to him."

Impulsively, I reached across the table and grabbed Zelda's hand. We smiled at each other, and I knew everything would be all right.

Impa shook her head. "Teenagers," she sighed. "Look, if this relationship goes south, you," she pointed at me, "will never speak of it, and you," she pointed at Zelda, "will not take it out on the country. Got it?"

We both ignored her.

zzz

Today Zelda and I are still together, and very happy. My official title is, "Royal Consort," which basically means I'm Zelda's boyfriend and bodyguard, two things I would have done without a title.

Impa's doubts, if she ever really had them, were erased years ago, and she is now eagerly awaiting some royal children to take care of.

Zelda is, in fact, pregnant with our first child, though it hasn't been officially announced. Traditionally, the royal family does not announce a new child until the child is born, just in case something goes wrong. So instead we're talking about names. If it's a girl we'll name her Zelda, of course, but for a boy Zel is considering Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. I ask you, what kind of name is that for a little boy?

But if she insists on it, I'll go along. I can't deny her anything. That's probably not a good foundation for a relationship, but I really don't care. Ever since we've been together, I've been so happy that I just can't say no.

So let's recap, what have we learned from my little story.

1. Time travel blows,

2. Cross-dressing and falling in love don't mix well,

3. Stuff surrounded by fire is either a horrible enemy, or something the bad guys don't want you to have,

4. Stuff the bad guys don't want you to have is usually something you want very much,

5. See the Triforce play Zelda's Lullaby,

6. Girls dig earrings,

7. Gerudos are whores,

8. Pay attention to prophetic dreams,

9. If someone you don't like tells you something is an "engagement ring" DON'T TAKE IT,

And, most importantly,

10. Hormones suck.

P. S. Zelda says this story had a tendency to get off topic and was rather dirty. Just for that, I feel no regret in telling you that she has confessed to being just as horny as I was throughout the whole thing. Oh yeah, I'm a stud.

THE END


End file.
